Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Little Heart

I needed this photo today, or I guess I needed to spot this graffiti. I needed a little heart. This afternoon, Danny and I ran a bunch of errands. I don't think I've been out in public much, other than a short trip here or there, but today Danny and I traversed the land. In doing so, I came to the realization that I have a quota regarding two things: looking at my own reflection, and being looked at.

I've been very safe in my choices, whether it's with good friends, locations like the gym, or being home. Somewhere between the fifth stop and the ninth stop (the duration was never longer than 15 minutes each) I started feeling incredibly sad.

It's impossibly hard to continuously look in a mirror, trying to find something that fits you, or catch your own reflection in a window. I've gained about ten pounds since my surgery, and my clothing is too tight. Mix that with Wenatchee's 100 degree heat - it calls for disaster. By the end of the day I felt like a big puddle, not just because I was so sweaty but because I felt like my spirit was a big teardrop.

I don't want to try and find clothing, I just want a moo-moo. One color for each day of the week.

Sometimes I forget that I look so different than I did before the surgery, before the buzz cut. Shopping today woke me up. There's nothing fun about feeling uncomfortable in your skin (or your tight pants).

Oh ya. And I found out today that my medical insurance has no cap. I almost threw up at the news. So much for not panicking.


  1. POP Pier in Venice California used to have a House of Mirrors. You'd go inside and it was all confusing. You'd keep bumping into yourselves. I say yourselves because at one angle you'd be tall, another short, another annorexic, another a beach ball, it was bizarre. Look at flat screen TVs these days, some of our sveltest and buffest actors look so hot. I think so much of life is an illusion. Voluptuousness rules. xoxo

  2. Summer is the time for Moo-moos, something flowy and cozy and I know what to get you for your Birthday.
    PS-10lbs up, 45lbs up, 18lbs down, whatever, you're still HOT!


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