Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Rad Apt

Its some time past three am. The world peppered with dozer eager crickets gently gossiping.

We met with a raduatiopn oncolocgest yesterdar, and have been digestinging her opinion everever sence.

I opted away from radiation atleast 3 times onthis these 7 years. I am aware there are risked. I'm aware of possible humatiotations, of secondary melyglancies. If short and long term effects.   

The radiatiotion oncology doctor was a gem, though. A werd way to describe her, I'm sure, but what a wonderful woman. She was the perfect combo of information, science, reality, humor, humility, and respect.  

She feel strong that that we need to act on now while tumor murdan is low - from the surgery. The trick there is still no baruntee that it would sow tumor growth, and there will be now side effects, and later effects, and it not possible to say how severe the damage would be. Her argeue is that our tumors clearly keep protesting, aways grow back so we need to act. For me, I don't string those that too clothether. Radiation not a simple choice, nor the only, or even the most promesting.

I hear what she is saying, and I'm not ruling out, but we are meeting with our oncolog Friday, and will discuss chemo, some possible medical deivises, off-label drugs and lord only what. Maybe we would do all. Maybe we will do none. Most likely combo. 

I no idea what we will decide, but I'm in no rush. I have minimal stress about treatment. I feel in my soul a depth that I can't explain. I'm living my live with no regrets, analyzing my options, listening to my inner voice. This is my rescission to make. I can't phone this in, or copy some else's notes. I need to look at all my options, even outlandish ones, longshots, exporemtal ideas, and of corse revisit the convential combos. The answers will come, I know, so there is no need to be scared, or stress. I feel free, and content. I am alive in this moment, so I soak up each moment. 

I am still mimin 3 hour of pills, but I snooze day and night, sneaking whenever I can. I relish when I awake and I relish my naps. I love it all. That helps it when I find myself tapping away, sharing with you how I feel, analyzing my life and where I want do.

It's wild to live in a moment, or environment, where I not competely capable of major decisions, yet I have to push thro. I am heal daily, but I don't trust my mind. Thank god for Dan yet again. We discuss, he explains, we discuss, I nap, then we try again. A lot in invain. I will make dense agang, and with his patience, I feel calm, and safe. The harder this is, the more he steps up.

I wish didn't have to ask to ask him of this mich, but he never companes. He's full of graces, and compasson. The reality of what we go throug is often indescribable, but his love is never escaping me. I don't have a lot that I can take of, I need to relian dan, but I can live him grace, gratitude, smiles, and laughter. And gratefuly he is trilled with these small gifts. 


15 comments:

  1. Good morning! Love to see your words these past few posts. And very happy to see you can take all this information in stride. You and Dan are beautiful reminders on how to navigate life. Keep the peace!

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  2. Every post from you is a new joy to me, Jess!!! I know your intuition and love from Dan and family and friends will get you where you need to be.

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  3. Gosh, we have much joy to exclaim from this post. Jess - it is amazing to see how much progress you are making in just a short time. We can only imagine how much you and Dan are processing, but it sounds that you have more clarity and peace than you've had in a while. We are so grateful for that. We are here, following, praying, sending good energy and smiling for whatever path you decide. It will be the right one, because you will decide. Dang it, and if you just don't make us all smile! BIG! And, Dan. My goodness, Dan. The love for you, not only from his actions, but the love for you exudes in this photo. We love you both so, so very much. xoxoxoxox, John, Steph and girls. xx

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  4. Hi honey...............so nice to see your words this morning. It is so much to take in, I wish you could pass out those decisions, like jelly beans, and not have to take them all on yourselves. Just know that in any way you CAN pass the jelly beans, we are here for you. Now and when you return home. Love you to the moon!

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  5. I love you, Coconuts! Your words pierce my heart and pure joy spreads throughout. You are doing so incredibly well! Big hugs to you and Dan

    Criquette

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  6. You are so brave. And strong. And beautiful - inside and out. CJ is right - so many are here for you. Whatever decision you make - it will be the right one. Love you, Diane

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  7. Love the cute picture. Praying for you, Dan and family. Your words are so beautiful and expressive. You are a gift to your sweet Dan, your family, your friends & those of us who have never met you but read your blog. You have blessed us all in more ways than words can say.
    Prayers for all the appointments, information and choices given. Whatever you choose it will be the best ones for you. Blessings !!!!

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  8. Jess - you're speaking/typing is great!! This post makes me so happy :-) Love to you both!!! xoxo Annie

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  9. Excellent post Jess! I had no problem understanding what you wrote. The picture looks like you've done something bad and Danny is giving you the stink eye! Probably exactly what's going on. I'm so glad you are in a place where you are ok with what's going on and accepting that what happens is what happens and you and Dan can deal with it together. You and Dan always have been, but are surely becoming so close you are one unit. LOVE IS GREAT! Can't wait to see you again.

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  10. It's hard to know whose opinion to trust and in the end, yours is the most important. Wait if you can until you feel comfortable with your choice. There are no guarantees anywhere in life. Do your best. Keep hoping for your miracles. Toni

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  11. Jess, your words are such a gift to me to wake up to. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart with us. I know you and Dan will make the choice that is right for you. Dan, you are amazing and such a wonderful example of unconditional love. Big hugs to both of you, I am so proud to know you.

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  12. 💙You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have💙
    You my friend...have got this! Being one of the smartest women I have ever known! Whatever you decide we are with you! Sending love and healing from Oregon 💙🙏💙

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  13. Jess, I miss you so much and have been reading your blog daily and watched the tv show numerous times lately. I just love to see your smiling face. Know that I am thinking about you always and sending positive thoughts your way. You are so strong and positive, an inspiration to us all. I know you have many tough decisions ahead of you, but what a wonderful support system you have by your side. Know that you are so loved.

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  14. Jess, you are doing so well with your writing! I loved reading what you had to say. Thank you for sharing this important news with us. We are constantly holding you and Dan (and your family) in our thoughts and prayers. Your decisions are BIG, but I can see that your heart, and your intuition is even BIGGER. It is so wonderful that you are approaching these decisions with a calm state of mind, with no stress and burden attached to it, but with a trust and faith. Good job! That is hard to do, but reading your words not only reminded me of how important it is to live like like that, but also it once AGAIN reminded me of how incredible you are. Much love, blessings and prayers go out to you! xoxo

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  15. Jess,

    This is obviously a very personal decision. Radiation was my last resort. I told myself I would never have radiation and it was extremely scary to me. I know we have shared those thoughts in the past. After my second re-occurrence I knew I needed to do something and opted for proton radiation. I would strongly suggest proton radiation as opposed to traditional radiation. I know you are a researcher so I will say no more. Radiation made me extremely sick and it was sudden. I felt great through most of the treatment and then everything hit me at once. It was super tough for a little while but I can honestly say that I had the best results following radiation. I obviously worry about the long-term effects but I love the science behind proton radiation. I agree with everyone else... This is a personal decision. I just wanted to give my experience and advice for what it's worth. You are in our prayers and you are an inspiration. I check this blog all of the time and continually pray for the best.

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