Its some time past three am. The world peppered with dozer eager crickets gently gossiping.
I opted away from radiation atleast 3 times onthis these 7 years. I am aware there are risked. I'm aware of possible humatiotations, of secondary melyglancies. If short and long term effects.
The radiatiotion oncology doctor was a gem, though. A werd way to describe her, I'm sure, but what a wonderful woman. She was the perfect combo of information, science, reality, humor, humility, and respect.
She feel strong that that we need to act on now while tumor murdan is low - from the surgery. The trick there is still no baruntee that it would sow tumor growth, and there will be now side effects, and later effects, and it not possible to say how severe the damage would be. Her argeue is that our tumors clearly keep protesting, aways grow back so we need to act. For me, I don't string those that too clothether. Radiation not a simple choice, nor the only, or even the most promesting.
I hear what she is saying, and I'm not ruling out, but we are meeting with our oncolog Friday, and will discuss chemo, some possible medical deivises, off-label drugs and lord only what. Maybe we would do all. Maybe we will do none. Most likely combo.
I no idea what we will decide, but I'm in no rush. I have minimal stress about treatment. I feel in my soul a depth that I can't explain. I'm living my live with no regrets, analyzing my options, listening to my inner voice. This is my rescission to make. I can't phone this in, or copy some else's notes. I need to look at all my options, even outlandish ones, longshots, exporemtal ideas, and of corse revisit the convential combos. The answers will come, I know, so there is no need to be scared, or stress. I feel free, and content. I am alive in this moment, so I soak up each moment.
I am still mimin 3 hour of pills, but I snooze day and night, sneaking whenever I can. I relish when I awake and I relish my naps. I love it all. That helps it when I find myself tapping away, sharing with you how I feel, analyzing my life and where I want do.
It's wild to live in a moment, or environment, where I not competely capable of major decisions, yet I have to push thro. I am heal daily, but I don't trust my mind. Thank god for Dan yet again. We discuss, he explains, we discuss, I nap, then we try again. A lot in invain. I will make dense agang, and with his patience, I feel calm, and safe. The harder this is, the more he steps up.
I wish didn't have to ask to ask him of this mich, but he never companes. He's full of graces, and compasson. The reality of what we go throug is often indescribable, but his love is never escaping me. I don't have a lot that I can take of, I need to relian dan, but I can live him grace, gratitude, smiles, and laughter. And gratefuly he is trilled with these small gifts.