I don't know what's going on, but I feel down, almost depressed even. That's not normal for me. I feel such stress about the Dopa PET and MRI scans in October. I'm scared. What if nothing I've been doing is working? What if they find out that the area in question is tumor. Will I need to start chemo?
I am dreadfully sick of having a tumor. I'm sick of having to work so hard to fight something that is this powerful. I will continue to fight, because it's what I do, it's the only thing I've got, probably the reason why I've survived so far, but my heart isn't in it right now.
I just want to be normal, have normal activities, normal thoughts, not always be afraid, not have to do all this work. Sorry for complaining, I'm just scared. I'm tumor exhausted. It's like a mental jet lag, but without the fun part of traveling.
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| Here's a photo of a chair that was left at our house from the previous renters... |
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| Here's a photo of the chair after I got my grubby hands on it... |
I have followed your blog for many months now. I have the same type of tumor you have,a grade 2 astrocytoma. mine however is in my brainstem. it is inoperable. I had to comment on your post because with each mri I am scared that things will change,that my tumor will grow and I will need to start radiation and chemo. next Friday I will again undergo an mri. I have them every three months. it never gets any easier. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel.
ReplyDeleteHow was your MRI results? Are you okay? I hope it was happy news...
DeleteYour chair is beautiful Jessica and so are you! I can only imagine what you must go through and how you remain so positive is mystery to me. Having the blues, or worse is totally normal and even certainly expected given the circumstances of your life right now. You are so often full of bravery, positivity, unending courage, strength and endurance; but no one can be that way all the time even those who are able to live a "normal" life without a tumor. Please know it is ok for you to feel all that you do. Seek comfort from those you love and trust and know that we are all here rooting for every step you take big or small--you have a permanent spot in my heart!
ReplyDeleteWith love and hugs, Maleka
Right you - come on I know its tough but you can get through this! Go look in the mirror and repeat after me - I am no better, I am no worse, I am me and yeah I have a crappy tumour but I am normal and I will be okay. ( feel free to say it in a scottish accent)!Now put a big smile on that face! Of course your going to feel down - everyone feels like that sometimes and with all the pressure your under I know its hard for you to remain positive all the time but when your down everything feels 100 times worse and your brain goes into what if mode.
ReplyDeleteSorry if you think I'm being overly harsh on you its just I don't like to hear of you being like this it worries me and its not like I'm even round the corner to come get you for a cupcake and a chat!
Email me and we can have a proper chat or Skype - that should cheer you up seeing my silly little face!
As always big hugs
Xxo
Many cancer patients take anti depressants, I do not think you need them, but it doesn't matter what I think. If you think it is an option, then explore it. You are the only one who knows how this feels. No one is here to judge, only to send love and support, and try to figure out a way to help. My way is to pray for you. Blessings to you sweet Jess!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are your feelings, they are normal. It's okay, please please do not beat yourself up. Even people who are not having any major life issues get down & are not as postive about their lives as you are. You have taught many that lesson. So dear Jess, if you have some down scary days you are okay & normal. No one feels upbeat all the time sweetie. This to shall pass. Praying for you,Dan & your family each day
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