Friday, February 17, 2012

Sabotage

It's ironic that I pride myself on encouraging others to take care of themselves, and yet here I am a hypocrite avoiding my own life saving tricks. Sometimes I shoot myself in the foot. As I said in an earlier post, I took this week off of the high doses of artemether because I wasn't feeling very well. I wanted to give my liver a break. I had every intention of taking my high dose sulforaphane drink yesterday (the natural chemo), but as the day wore on, I kept avoiding it, deciding that I would take it just before bedtime and try to sleep off the nausea. Of course, just as it always happens, when I procrastinate, I end up falling through. And as the evening disappeared, my stomach increasingly clinched, fearful of the nausea and ill effects. In my infinite wisdom, I poured myself a glass of wine (yah, genius, because THAT'S good for my liver). Then another. Foolish girl. It was pure sabotage.

So here I am the next morning with the same clinched stomach fearful of the nausea and ill effects. Why am I delaying the inevitable?!? I'm drinking a cup of black tea (infused with sulforaphane), trying to work up the courage to try again with the natural chemo. We know that this system works because our friend shrank her brain tumor with this, so why am I still staring at the glass?

Last week when Meghan stopped by with electrolyte drinks we discussed the smell from the concoction. I think it smells like a baby's diarrhea - the kind of baby that's eating whole foods (mothers know what I'm talking about). Megs thinks it smells like burnt hair. Either way, it's horrible. I find myself about to barf, even though I haven't even drank any yet. UGH. I'm so frustrated.

As you can see, I'm not being as rigid with my diet these days. I'm acting as a guinea pig, waiting to see if this MRI will show a regression of the tumor even on a more Western style diet. I just don't have the strength or will to eat as good as I did last time. I'm scared that I'm feeding Hermie, but at the same time, I can't seem to stop myself and be a good girl.

I eat well most of the time, but I know from experience that eating well most of the time is not enough. Hermie grew a bunch from July of 2011 to October 2011. It was shocking - that's when they initially asked me to start doing radiation. Sometimes, because I feel so well, and I look healthy, I forget how serious this cancer is. If I would have accepted the standard care of radiation, I would still be dealing with necrosis. My healthy brain cells would still be dying - it takes around 6 months for the death of cells to taper off. I would be bald. I would be trying to recover from frying my brain. I look healthy because I have opted out of Western medicine's procedure. I have to try and remind myself that my cancer is very serious. It's easy to forget sometimes. I want to pretend that I'm normal, that Dan and I can laugh and talk about having children someday. Sometimes I don't want to deal with reality. It seems like this is one of those times. I need to get back up on my feet and back with the program. I'm hurting myself, and those around me whom I love. This sucks.


Roasted Portabella Mushroom, Red Quinoa & Upland Cress Salad


Upland Cress Salad
1 bushel flat leaf parsley (chopped fine)
1 English cucumber (chopped)
1 red bell pepper (chopped fine)
1 bushel upland cress (chopped)
3 green onions (chopped fine)
1 large lemon (juiced)
cracked pepper to taste

I need to be eating a bushel of upland cress every day (when I'm not on the artemether). At least a bushel. And the thing is, I know it. I know what I need to do. Why am I sabotaging myself with wine and other things? I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself. 

These guys are fishing at Green Lake almost every single day. Aren't they cute?
They remind me of my brother. He'd be fishing every single day if his wife would let him :) 

2 comments:

  1. Be gentle to yourself, you're doing AMAZING at something that is really hard! It seems like just eating a certain diet, especially one that is helping you be so healthy, would be easy but it's totally not easy. It's crazy hard and most of us wouldn't be able to do nearly as well as you're doing. Having a glass of wine instead of a yucky drink that smells like baby poop & burnt hair just means that you're a real, normal person. Tell that voice in your head that's making you feel guilty to SHUT IT. It's what you do most of the time that counts.

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  2. Don't be so hard on yourself! You've chosen your path of treatment (instead of radiation) partially for quality of life, so on days when you slip off of your plan and have a glass of wine or 2, enjoy it! Don't let it make you feel guilty. If anyone deserves a treat now and then, it's you! Nobody can be "on" 100% of the time.

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