I feel like I'm in limbo. During this past year, I kept thinking, "If I can just [walk/run/talk/read] make it one year, I will have conquered this. I'll be back to my regular life." I kept my scope on the one year mark, always working toward a better future.
I was reeling, just trying to function and progress. Now I don't know how to navigate. I feel like I have completely different challenges, like, what to do with my life. I'm enjoying doing presentations. I'm enjoying my job. I'm enjoying trying to be healthy and running, but I want to challenge myself further. I just can't seem to figure out which challenge to take on. It has to be sincere, and from the center of my heart or I know I won't finish, or give it enough effort. Maybe the challenge will present itself, and I won't have to even think about it, kind of like the brain tumor. That was certainly a monumental gift of a challenge.
Somehow I thought that if I could survive the first year, everything would fall into place and my life would make sense. Instead, lately, I find myself sitting straight up out of a deep sleep, my heart racing, the previously subconscious notion of death bearing down on me. I can not ignore the reality of this diagnosis, and yet I don't want to obsess over it. I can say that, and yet, at the same time my body knows what my mind doesn't want to admit, I'm scared.
I'm in a new phase. I'm out of survival mode, I'm in a grey area.
Jessica,
ReplyDeleteYou are too hard on yourself. None of us know what will happen to us in the next hour. We could be hit by a bus or have a stroke. Live in the present and enjoy every day. This blog inspires so many, maybe your job is just to do that for now. Relax and enjoy!
You write:
ReplyDelete"I feel like I have completely different challenges, like, what to do with my life. I'm enjoying doing presentations. I'm enjoying my job. I'm enjoying trying to be healthy and running, but I want to challenge myself further. I just can't seem to figure out which challenge to take on."
If only you could sit in the audience of one of your presentations you'd see what a natural you are at giving them.
If only you could hear people's comments after one of your presentations you'd understand why you were picked to give them.
If only you could be a fly on the wall and hear how others use your words and your experiences to help and encourage others to not give up, to keep on moving forward, you'd see how the presentations are a large part of your calling.
It seems as if very little in life is black or white, it's mostly gray and for all of us learning to see the light in gray helps, or hearing someone's rebounding story helps. Keep presenting, seek larger audiences, show people the light. You can do it.
If only
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI admire the way you carry yourself. As you know my "life" as I imagined it recently changed, and while I am not facing death or illness, I find myself in the grey area as well. My only advice is trust that there is a plan, and it will show itself, cry and get mad every now and then, lean on the loves in your life!
You are a strong beautiful woman inside and out!