Monday, June 21, 2010

I Can't Explain Myself to Myself

I'm frustrated. I can't express myself. I was humming along just fine before brain surgeries and now I'm easily frustrated. I can't handle changes very well. I need structure or I lose it. I'm mad at myself because I don't like the person in my head. I feel like my brain has been taken over by someone else. Before the surgeries, before this huge change in my life, I used to adjust my personality when I didn't like my behavior. I always told myself, if you don't like it, change it. But now, it's not so easy. I'm not rational. I'm quick to tear up. My blood pressures rises quickly. I don't recognize my emotions. I'm exhausted trying to figure out what's going on in my life and in my head.

I tried to make a new schedule, an easier schedule one that's more basic and THAT still overwhelmed me. I need the same routine, but life is impossible to schedule. I feel like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man panicking about Kmart underwear, without the amazing math abilities.

The worst part is that I can't expect other people to understand me because I can't explain myself to myself.


  1. "So Cal" PattiJune 21, 2010 at 7:34 PM

    I am older now, and have not had to experience what you have been through, but frustration and confusion come to all of us- especially at my age. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much too soon! You are still a beautiful young lady and the surgery made have made things too confusing all at once. Still take "baby steps" and continue your lovely writing-that alone should show you your progress!!!

  2. Jess - I think you are an amazing person. Your blog is an inspiration to me. I hope to see you at the gym soon for a yoga class...of course that means I have to go to yoga! Sara from the gym - 5:10 am functional class. :-)

  3. Jess,
    I know that you want to do it all right now, but you are making progress every day. Baby steps is right, just take it slow and it will all come back to you. I know it is easy for me to say that without knowing what you are going through, but what else can you do??? Trust that you are going to get back to where you want to be and that it will just take a little time to get there. Meanwhile, you have your own army of supporters and cheerleaders to help you on your way. I hope to see you soon, let me know when you are up for yoga or anything else!
    Love, Sarah

  4. At least you recognized the new condition and are aware of it. Maybe there are some positive sides to the new you too? Found any so far?


  5. Good question from Wes. But we recognize the "real" Jesse when you make us giggle over writing: "I feel like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man panicking about Kmart underwear . . ." Now who but our Jess would come up with something like that?

    Think of yourself as trying to get on I-5 and the traffic is at its peak. You get stuck pumper to pumper in the slow lane. But you keep your eye on the rear view mirror for the opportunity to change lanes and put the peddle to the metal. Nobody likes the slow lane but we all get stuck in it. xoxox

  6. "So Cal" PattiJune 23, 2010 at 9:51 PM

    Hi Jessica- No message from you in awhile and I hope that your recent confusion has not discouraged you from writing. Many people, such as myself, are writing here because we believe in you and want to offer you encouragement! Trust me- your writing offers more to our lives than we are able to give back to you- but our love and prayers are with you!!!


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