Germany Again? Excellent!

I'm home; I am resting after flying out to NYC for treatment (yep, what a week). I was able to get my immunotherapy shot, but was also informed that I am dangerously low on my dendritic cells (the part of the white blood cells that boost the immune system and that they use for my treatment). That means I need to head to Germany to engage in an another leukaphresis where they separate my white and red blood cells for harvest. I emailed the clinic just to verify, hoping I could squeak out a few more months before travel, but was graciously informed that it's best to head to Germany ASAP. So, although Dan took off some time for filming, and a few other random days this month, we are hoping that he can take off more time in the next couple of weeks so that he can accompany me for treatment. I kind of see it like a super sexy medical honeymoon. Because there's nothing sexier than life, am I right!?

I'm still on cloud nine from the surprise wedding, and the whirl of my awkward self, filming to share our story. A couple of people have thought I was crazy for being filmed, but I see it as an honor. Our journey has been loud (if you read the blog anyway). It has been hard, and fun, and beautiful, and unexpected, but most of all, it has been an example of following our hearts, of being strong, and true. When we were approached for filming I was hesitant for a little bit, then I thought of the good we could do by sharing what we've gone through. When you get diagnosed with cancer it's like being thrown into a burning ring of fire, and sometimes you can find a way out of the dangerous maze, and sometimes you can't. And it's terrifying. If I wouldn't have explored more than my original option of the neurosurgeon in Wenatchee ("We will put you to sleep and scoop it out."), it is probable that I'd be dead right now - because of the blood clot and dura mater hardening, not to mention the infiltrating nature of the tumor that grew fingers throughout my healthy brain. So much of my healthy brain would be missing - like the controls for my language, and the controls for my physical body. If we wouldn't have researched, and been strategic, and worked tirelessly, it's probable that I wouldn't be alive, or I would be a fraction of the woman I am now.

Why am I alive right now? Why am I not paralyzed any longer on my right side? Why can I read and write and walk and run and research, when originally I couldn't? Why have I been able to overcome so much? Because I am meant to help. I am meant to be a friend to others, to help people navigate and do their best to survive. It is not easy; it's heart breaking. I just received a text today from a brain tumor friend who just found out he is dealing with his second recurrence in less than two years. I want to fix it, but I can't. What I can do is provide solace, and information, and support, and I'm happy to do it. If only I had more power. But the power that I DO have is a voice, and I will broadcast that voice as much as I can to provide information (research, treatments, hope). This cancer life has been a gift of opening my world to amazing people. To immeasurable love and kindness, and at the same time it rips my heart in half. It's bloody and painful, and heart wrenching.

I share my story with the hope that people realize we have choices. That they listen to their hearts, to their intuitions. I hope that people see that in so many things in life we are placed in boxes, on assembly lines (be it treatments, or work, or relationships) but we also have control. That it may be hard, but we can break molds, and surprise ourselves with our own strength.

Cherries Are A Superfood!

I'm home, and although I tried getting back to bed this morning (at Dan's request) I can't help it but hit the ground running. My parents will be here in a few hours to spend the night, as they're flying out to get more venom tomorrow morning (man three months goes by so quickly!). My dad brought us his truck (thanks Aaron for the canopy!) so that on Friday after work, Dan and I will drive over to Wenatchee and spend the night at my parent's house. Because - for the first time - I get to pick up cherries from Stemilt and deliver a batch to Kings and Market Place in Friday Harbor. I am so excited to put faces to names, and say thank you, and give some hugs. Usually my dad, or my dad and his buddy Ron deliver cherries. The whole delivery is really quick, picking up at 7:00 am, driving to the ferry in Anacortes, taking the first ferry we can and then unloading at both grocery stores and then we're back on the next ferry off the island so that we can make it home and rest. Isn't it crazy how everything always bottlenecks? NYC, venom, cherries.

Cherry season is my favorite. They're so delicious! And really fun to eat. I mean, maybe not if you're really proper, but I'm more of a goofy tomboy who enjoys spitting the seeds. My mom has always called me G.I. Joe Barbie because I want to do what the boys do, but I like to do it with a dress, or a skirt, and now that I'm a little older, makeup. I like to be in the competition, in the mix. Now cherry season has gained even more significance. I get so excited for this fundraiser (which sneaked up on me). This year, instead of one big drop, we've divided it into three deliveries to Kings and Market Place in Friday Harbor. So to all of our Friday Harbor friends, when you're walking through the produce isle next week, and you have a hankering for cherries please know that I appreciate your support so very much!

Just yesterday I had to write the check for my shot and with the Euro so strong against the dollar it was over $5700. The treatments are stupid expensive, but surviving seems pretty smart, so whatever it takes I'm willing to do it. Also while at the doctor in NYC I discussed the sodium phenylbutyrate again. He said that it not only helps reduce glutamine/glutamate absorbtion which would slow tumor feeding, but also, the drug is a gene modifier. The problem? The market price is currently over $6000 a month. That's the actual cost of the product used in clinical trials. There is also a chemist's reproduction (you have to find a chemist pharmacy) which is not exactly the same as the drug, but very similar, essentially it's a knockoff. And it comes in at around $1200 a month. The third option is the supplement Butyrex which I own and have taken from time to time. But it's degradingly weak in comparison to the drug. So much so that it's probably a joke for what we're drying to do. There is one health insurance in the United States that will cover sodium phenylbutyrate for malignant gliomas, Aetna (technically it's an off label drug for urea cycle disorders). I do not have Aetna, but since I lost my insurance due to the Obama health care act (long story) and they bounced me down to Medicare, there could be a way when I renew in December to opt into Aetna for prescriptions. It will take until December to find out, but at least there might be a chance. As an aside, a while ago I spoke to the mother of a young woman who has taken sodium phenylbutyrate for around a year (or maybe it's two years by now) and she didn't have any real symptoms. Now, you might think I'm crazy that I'm talking about adding more treatments, but these tumors are invasive, and they morph and outsmart even the best cocktails. I mean, when you get a promotion, you don't just sit on your ass, it sparks you to keep the momentum going! This tumor is my career; I get paid in time. I don't want Hermie to come back. I refuse to be complacent. And if the additional treatment has a low risk profile, I don't see why not. Especially when we already know that IDH1 tumors, like mine, love them some glutamine/glutamate.

This brings me to a another fun rabbit hole I fell into while traveling. Are you guys familiar with methionine? I wasn't until I read THIS STUDY on the airplane last night. For those who don't want to read through the article, it's about dietary changes that you can make to prevent, and mitigate gliomas. One of the points was to focus on methionine restriction, which is an amino acid that is found in the heaviest doses in animal products.



Of course, then this morning, I had to know more. I started searching "methionine glioma", "methionine seizures", "low methionine foods", "methionine longevity". Each search result gave me more information, and more avenues to explore. Again I see that a vegan diet is best, but if you can't go strictly vegan, it would behoove all of us - especially cancer fighters - to cut back on animal products. Even the research with the ketogenic diet shows that it's not healthy unless it's restricted. A purely ketogenic diet is horrible for you. It irks me when I see articles and news reports touting the benefits of the ketogenic diet because they're missing the key point which is the restriction. The diet is actually mostly fat. Like 80% fat. So, of course you're eliminating a lot of glutamate/glutamine, glucose, methionine, etc. Heck, the restricted ketogenic diet is actually more like an elimination diet. You remove a lot of allergens. Anyway, not my point. The reading from last night and this morning reaffirms my choice to go heavy veggies, with an emphasis on superfoods (it really should be a one word term).

See - I can't help it, I start doing tumor research even when I'm supposed to be focusing on my seizure issues. The seizure issues are incredibly complex, almost too complicated to figure out. And the research about seizures is either very inconclusive or correlative but not necessarily causal. There's just so little we know about what causes seizures, or how to prevent them. Another horribly complicated riddle. I actually enjoyed researching methionine since there was clear information I could absorb and use. But for now, I'd better give my brain a break before it short circuits again. Also, thanks for all of the recent comments lately, I'll go through them soon!

I Need To Believe

This last weekend was such a blast! Danny and I were able to pack Emma and a bunch of goodies for a quick road trip to Wenatchee. We didn't tell my parents we were coming, and they were completely surprised and ecstatic - I'm horrible about keeping surprises secret, but somehow I managed. As we drove closer and closer, I became more and more giddy. I am so lucky to have two amazing parents who give me so much love. They are incredibly supportive. I had been needing more hugs lately, and on Saturday morning my parents engulfed me, it was so healing. I love the fact that I can tell my parents anything. They understand so much because they see things that I'm going through, the struggles, the demands on my body, on my mind, they know so much because we talk almost daily. But it's different to get a hug :) A hug might be the best support I could ever get.

My Saturday morning hug came because I was honest with my parents about how I feel about my future. I have been trying very hard to keep a brave face, to shove down the thoughts of failure, of death, but it's not as easy as it once was. Unfortunately, in January, a very close friend said to me, "You know, there's a chance that none of these treatments will work. That there's nothing you can do." It was quite possibly the most painful thing that I've ever been told, and I said that to her. Obviously, you guys understand that I realize, only too well, that I might just die. That my fate may be sealed. That I'm spinning my wheels to no avail. It's something that crosses my mind several times a day, then I try like hell to be positive, to fight on. Just for future reference for friends and family, I only want support. I want to believe - I NEED to believe - that I can beat this diagnosis. I need unfailing support. I can not have anyone say to my face that I might not make it. You guys can say it behind my back, that's fine, but not to my face. It's just unnecessary, and cruel. Her words resonate in my mind and I hate it. It physically hurts my heart, my soul, and sucks at my hope. And I know that it's stupid for me to be effected by someone's words, but words are powerful, especially when they echo your own fears. Ok. Enough of that, I just had to get it off of my chest. For the record, I know that my friend didn't mean to hurt me, but obviously it did. Some things just don't need to be said.

Dealing with cancer is a 24 hour 7 day a week kind of thing. I'm constantly trying to think positive thoughts, making healthy decisions, researching supplements, diets, treatments, doing anything I can so that I know that I'm up on all of the latest treatments and tricks that fight brain cancer. It's exhausting because as I research I also learn so much about the things that don't work, I read stories of people time and time again that have not made it. Brain cancer is one of the least forgiving cancers. It ravages your being, your mind, who you are. Reading and researching is emotional and scary. I feel I need to do it because I learn so much, that I need to be my own expert, my own advocate, but it's terrifying. It becomes overwhelming and that's why I need the outlet of this blog, to just purge my feelings and fears. Somehow, being open and honest about how I'm feeling gives me strength, it makes me feel honest, and transparent.

On a positive note, I have officially been in ketosis for 10 days. Ketosis is when your body uses ketones to burn energy instead of glucose (ie: sugar or carbs). The science behind this diet of low carb, high fat, medium protein, is that your body's organs and cells can fuel them selves off of ketones, and tumors and cancer cells can only eat glucose. Therefore, the less glucose you provide your body, the more you starve the cancer.

I have tried this diet before, several months after my first brain surgery, but it was too restrictive. I was still yearning to eat the foods of my friends, to share wine with the girls, I was unable to completely commit. Thankfully, I have a renewed strength and amazing friends who don't mind if I'm drinking Pelligrino, or abstaining from most foods. The girls that I've been able to spend time with, Christel, and Libbey, and Laura, have been so supportive. They want me to succeed above their own immediate desires, discussing the details of my lifestyle so that they can join in when we're together. It's so nice to be able to talk about the details of what I'm going through, what I'm researching. Each time I explain the ketogenic diet and its' relevance to brain tumors and seizures, I gain further insight into the whole process. It solidifies my memory and makes it easier to continue. Also the girls have all kinds if ideas on recipes, we end up turning it into a fun excuse to do something different, to problem solve.

Over the weekend Dan, my parents and I golfed 9 holes at Desert Canyon (We played best ball - which I must be honest took three hours. Ha!) and it was a blast. My goal these days is to continue to get out and enjoy life. It requires lots of naps and resting later, but it is so worth it!

Problem Fixed

Success! I received a phone call and my neuro-oncologist will meet with us one hour after the previously scheduled, then cancelled, appointment. I feel guilty for having to be so straight forward and direct. It's frustrating to feel guilty about wanting an appointment with my oncologist. I don't enjoy being forceful. A girlfriend who is also dealing with brain cancer gave me solace though. She said that she's never been bumped by her doctor, that at each MRI review she's met with her doctor - not the doctor's nurse (different hospital). And that she would be upset if she was in my position.

I've been bumped at least three times that I can remember. The most memorable was in October. We met with my radiation oncologist's nurse, she reviewed my MRI and said that the tumor looked great, that she wasn't sure if there was any new growth or not - there was an area of concern, but it could be the positioning of my head during the scan. The nurse said that my oncologist would call the following week with the final results. Unsatisfied, my mom pressed on and said, "Is there any way to meet with the doctor?" That's when we headed over to Harborview's Gamma Knife Center, intent on sitting in my radiation oncologist's office until he would meet with us and answer our questions. It turns out that there was significant growth, and when we met with my radiation oncologist, he wanted me to immediately start radiation, the very next week. If we wouldn't have pressed on, and would have instead gone home after the appointment with the nurse, my family would have gone back to Wenatchee, Danny would have been back to work, and I would have been at home when I received the phone call with the horrible news that they wanted me to start radiation. That's not something you should have to hear over the phone. It was a massive eye opening experience, reminding me that I have to stay on top of my care. I'm lucky to have a team, my husband and family, and there's definitely strength in numbers. Follow your gut, and don't be afraid to voice concerns. It's sad that you have to stand up for yourself, but it's the medical world that world we live in. 

Either the University of Washington's neuro-oncology department is understaffed, overwhelmed, masters of double billing, are out of touch with their patients and their feelings or maybe they just don't take cancer very seriously (which I doubt). Maybe it's a little bit of all of the above. Oh well. It must be irritating for some of the nurses and doctors, I don't believe that they're heartless, but there's a bottom dollar and currently my hospital has a bad system, that's for sure. 

On another note, here's a new recipe that I made us for dinner!

Dinner

Lacino Kale Salad
10 large kale leaves, thickly shredded
1 cherry pepper finely diced (you can chop a few of the seed to add some spice)
pine nuts to taste
romano sheep cheese to taste (I zested ours, but you could grate, or it however you want)

Toss the above ingredients (except for the cheese) with a mix of olive and sesame oil, the juice of one squeezed lime, and fresh cracked pepper. Dish up, and zest some romano on top.

On a side note, has anyone else ever noticed that lacino always has a bunch of little bugs in it. They're like little aphids or something. I wash each leaf by hand, pulling the little bugs off, but it's gross. I don't think I can continue to eat it. Any suggestions before I complete give up?

Burnell Family Visit

Look who stopped by! You might remember Ty from my post a few weeks ago, and from a few posts at the beginning of this whole blog. His mother (I always called her Burnelli) is a close friend from Wenatchee. We commuted together from Wenatchee to Ellensburg for a year completing our teaching certificates. She's now teaching, and I of course am not. Look at her beautiful children! So adorable. Ty had a follow up appointment from his surgery. He is such a curious, hilarious, sweetheart, and his little sister, the animal lover, has a heart of gold and the most beautiful storybook curls. 

 

If there's anything that can put a smile on my face, it's my friends and their children. Children are so full of love, full of energy, and laughter. They're like adults on hyper drive and it's so much fun! I need a nap now, I'm not going to lie (I'm laughing out loud as I write this). Oh what fun! Sweet little angels just like their awesome parents. It's amazing how life connects you to people. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life!

What would we do without the connection to others. That is a scary and sad thought. That's what I think about sometimes in regard to other cancer fighters, or people in general. It's so important to have love and joy around you. I'm lucky because I've always been a talker. I'm really social and with that trait I've been able to meet all kinds of people, and make all sorts of amazing friends. I feel incredibly blessed, so fortunate to have such lovely and loving people that constantly lift me up. There are people that are more reserved though, more isolated and when faced with a difficult situation might be sad, or lonesome who don't have others supporting them. That's why it's so important to try your best to be kind to strangers, you absolutely never know what others are going through. People you pass by on the street, in line at the grocery store, on the bus, or anywhere else you go could have huge burdens - in fact, they probably do, everyone has their story. I'm not suggesting that you have to get into a full blown conversation with people, a simple smile, I think, would suffice. It can be that little of an effort. I know that when a person smiles at me, it feels good. I hope I'm not being too bossy, or preachy. I know I hate it when people do that. If I sound annoying, you can always ignore me :)

Anyway, here's my favorite thing of the day. Tyler gave Danny and I a branch. How cute is that! Sweet, sweet child. He wanted to know if it was going to grow, but I told him it's probably dormant. It is winter after all :)

Adorable Firecracker, Little Ty

I have a very special family that I want to share with you. Their son, Tyler is such a joy, and right now he's about to embark on a very long phase of his life which includes lots of surgeries, and tons of hospital visits. Tyler's first surgery is on January 4th, and you can hear all about him, and his family on their blog. Please send them your prayers, or positive energy, or whatever it is that you do. They are such wonderful people, they truly deserve it!

Tyler's mother is a very dear Wenatchee friend who has been close to my heart for the past eight, almost nine years. She is a true kind soul. I remember when Sarah found out, while she was pregnant, that Tyler has congenital scoliosis. The doctor wanted to know if she would like information and the location for an abortion. Sarah was shocked. She was already so in love with her son, that letting him go was absolutely out of the option. Tyler is her first child, and from before she was even pregnant, we all knew she would be an unbelievable mother.

Please support her on her journey. Here is the link for the blog of her son:
http://www.tyburnell.blogspot.com/

I hope Sarah doesn't mind, but I took a photo from her facebook. It was just too cute not to share :)

Danny's Home!

Dan's home!!!!!! I was deep asleep in a nap a few moments ago, when I felt a little tickle on my foot. I jumped up, startled, sure that my eyes were deceiving me. He had driven the six hours all the way back to Wenatchee from Portland. Apparently, the training for Union Pacific has been canceled all across the western region.

I'm so happy to have him home, and yet disappointed that he again has to try a new avenue of work. The company called it "furlough" meaning he hasn't lost his job, but they no longer need him. He will be called back when work picks back up. The unfortunate thing is that there are people who have been working for Union Pacific for four or five years and they are also on furlough. Things are not looking good for this job prospect.

Also, as a side note, I woke up from a dead sleep last night because I realized I had not mentioned the fact the title of my article was not written by me. I would never have titled my work "Jessica: An Amazing Woman." I was so embarrassed (and honored) that I forgot to mention that fact in my blog yesterday. I hope people know that I'm not that conceited. It was a huge compliment, written by the editor, but I would never have assumed that I should be considered an amazing woman. Maybe I have an amazing story, but I'm just doing what most people would do in the face of bad news. Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up.

Progress is Found in Odd Places

I have a confession to make. I've been procrastinating about my homework and helpful tasks. Although, I'm counting some of my helpful tasks like right now as Danny is watching the season finally of Lost and I'm working on my blog. I figure that this is great practice trying to focus on an activity while there are distractions going on around me. See, I'm pretty good at reasoning to myself that I'm actually doing productive things!

I don't think I ever said the results of my testing from my speech therapist in Wenatchee. The most glaring score was for my attention span. On a median score of 100 I had a 42. Ouch. This is why I lose focus, and can't complete tasks. Even a ticking clock can confuse me, and lose my train of thought. It is such a joke because before my surgery I have always been juggling several things at time.

It is also why I am really horrible about emailing, and facebook and I'm really sorry about that! Sorry guys. And, while we're at it, I also apologize that I don't much use the phone. I've called my grandma once and I've talked to Kaal every several days but that's pretty much it. It is insanely hard to talk over the phone. I do pretty well when I do face-to-face communication, but it really limits things between my out of town friends. I hope every knows that I love you guys! It won't always be like this!

It's weird, writing the blog is so helpful for me to work on my vocabulary and organizing my thoughts, but it's almost like cheating because my blog writing is a lot better than my verbal communicating. In fact, I think my blog is vastly better than my off the cuff verbal communication. It's a pretty wild sensation or maybe I mean realization when can't get my words out. Maybe I don't know what word I want. I have that happen a lot.

Ok. Enough trying to work on distractions (Lost) and blogging. I feel good about the results! About a week ago I wouldn't have been able to do my blog with the TV or any distractions. Progress is found in odd places!

Left Awake Craniotomy. That's me!

My brother is convinced that our first meeting in Wenatchee at the Medical Center was with the head janitor, not the neurosurgeon. That should be a serious clue as to our meeting at U of W.

We're all in shock right now, and I don't even know how to begin this post. Our meeting was vastly different from the meeting in Wenatchee.

I guess I'll just start putting this all down on "paper" and you guys can help sift through the details. Sorry for the disorganization.

On this coming Tuesday morning at 5:15am I will be admitted to the U of W surgical unit. They will take me in and put electrodes on my head and put the exact locations where the laser will cut through my skull. From there they will run me through an MRI and check to see the exact brain waves so they can measure where they need to be careful during the surgical process. Once I'm put under anesthetic they will cut open my head and remove a portion of my skull. Once my brain is exposed they will wake me back up and start removing parts of my tumor. As they are removing areas of the tumor they will periodically place electrodes and conduct shocks, in areas of my brain in and near the tumor. During which time I will be staring at a computer screen answering questions about the visual stimulus, so that they know exactly what they're cutting/removing. They're trying to make sure that they don't remove any of the areas of my brain that I need to function. After they remove every possible piece of the tumor that won't incapacitate me, they will put me back under anesthesia and sew me back up. The process should last approximately 4.5 hours.

My tumor is in brain matter. They will be removing approximately a tennis ball sized area of my brain. There is a 10% chance that there will be complications that could be as mild as no feeling in the tips of my fingers ranging all the way to loss of movement on the entire right side of my body, inability to communicate, inability to read, and inability to form thoughts, and of course death.

I will be in the hospital for a minimum of three days, longer if there are complications. One week from the surgery I will have a follow up appointment where they will have results from the pathologist about the severity of my tumor. The doctors at U of W said that without the pathologist's findings from the biopsy (which we will have one week after surgery) they have absolutely no idea if I'm going to need further treatment (chemo or radiation). They have seen so many tumors, and have seen so many incorrect conjectures, that they don't even guess or assume in any way. If we find out I need adjunct therapy during that first week appointment, they will immediately during that appointment introduce me to the right people, wheel in the machinery and start my chemo/radiation.

The surgeon is removing areas from three sections of my brain, the language cortex, the sensory cortex, and the motor cortex. So, if anything bad happens during this surgery and too much gets removed, I'm going to apologize ahead of time for any anger, frustration, confusion, inability to communicate, inability to read, inability to watch TV, inability to form my own thoughts, or express myself, inability to control my movements, and inability to control drooling. No big deal.

News of record - my Chief does over 290 crainiotomies a year.

We Eat Tumors For Breakfast

The men in my life decided to give me a preview of my future hair style.

It was a great morning of hair liberation, but this afternoon when Danny followed up with Harborview we found out that they were unable to review my screens and that all will be reviewed on Monday. It's a pretty big bummer, and a little scary that I'm risking extra days since the neurosurgeon here in Wenatchee was extremely opinionated that I needed to get in for surgery ASAP (yesterday at 8:00am). I'm not sure how to consolidate all of my options, or figure out how to know when I'm making the right choices. I guess I just go by my gut. If I don't survive the weekend, please right on my headstone, "Should have followed the 1st neurosurgeon's surgery suggestion!"

At least I had some company for a pedicure. We're practically evil. We shave off all the men's hair and then pamper ourselves. I think I can do this tumor thing.

Urgent Jess Update

The email I sent to friends and family after the results of my scan:

Friends & Family,

Just wanted to send a quick note to let you know that I've had some extremely unexpected news. After an insanely intense debilitating headache that occurred last Friday while snowshoeing with Danny (and a couple of re-occurring headaches on Saturday and Sunday), I scheduled an appointment to meet with my doctor yesterday morning (Monday).

I told her that I had such a bad headache that I couldn't walk or see for about 90 seconds, and that the left side of my head, and lower back of my head, felt like they had a lot of pressure, and continued to have a pretty bad aching sensation.

I pressured her to sneak me in for an MRI scan immediately, but there were some hoops regarding my insurance so we planned a CT for today.

This morning I went in for my CT scan, at which time they said that I would instead be receiving an MRI (at which point I thought, "ooooh, UPGRADE!!"). Once in the room for the MRI they told me that I would not only be having an MRI but also an injection to see my brain even better (at which point I thought, "Cool! Double upgrade!!!").

After the procedure the radiologist looked at me funny and asked when my followup exam was (and I told her Friday), she told me that they would have my results shortly. I only got halfway home on my drive before I had a call from my doctor who told me that she had been on the horn with the neurosurgeon Dr Higgens and that I have a massive brain tumor and an AVM. I asked her if I was going to die, and her response, "We hope not."

She wanted me to turn around and head back to the hospital because they were holding a position at the CT dept for an Angiogram as soon as I could get in. Of course, I then called Danny sobbing and told him I couldn't talk but that I had a brain tumor. Then, I had my parents come get me from my car - I couldn't drive because I was sobbing and shaking so badly.

I've since done the angiogram and I just took my first pill to take care of the brain swelling. 

I have an apt with the neurosurgeon tomorrow where he will go over my diagnosis and my options. It all depends on the AVM and the Tumor (I'm capitalizing because I fell like it deserves that kind of punctuation). The two issues are unrelated, but make it difficult for surgery. I have no idea what type of tumor it is. We have no idea what I'm actually dealing with.

Anyway, at this point all I know is that I have a large Tumor in my lateral parietal region and an AVM.

I will be in and out of the hospital in the following days, and it looks like the first brain surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning at 8:00 am.

In the meantime, I love you all - all of my friends and family, and if you pray or send positive energy, please do what you do and think of me because I'll feel all of your positive thoughts. I'm not sure how things will continue from here, and I probably won't be on the phone except for doctors or things of that nature - I've already been on the phone today with three different doctors, two radiologists, and multiple nurses regarding this issue. They are awesome, awesome people, and they're really moving this right along.

Sorry if this email is ridiculously long - but you all know that I'm absurdly long winded.

Please don't be offended if I don't get to your call/text/email - it's definitely not personal. All of my love to everyone - I have been so insanely fortunate in my life - and I can't wait to conquer this - and for the record, I am cashing in regarding this email...any grammatical error of any sort or any particular aspect of my writing that doesn't sound eloquent and mind blowingly witty, is because I have a brain tumor.

ALL MY LOVE
XOXOXO
Jess