1.07.2014

Wishful Thinking

I haven't had the energy to write an in depth post for awhile. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been bone tired from the holidays and stress of travel with the added craziness of my Grandma's accident, or perhaps it's correlated with the treatments I'm doing. Unfortunately, I've been noticing an increasing amount of weakness on my right side, along with increased numbness, also more vertigo and dizziness. And I don't mean a little bit. I like to think that it's the effect of my pills, serums, and such, attacking those pesty lingering tumor cells. We will know for sure in the beginning of February. We can only schedule an MRI 30 days in advance due to insurance policy. We're planning for February 8th, a Saturday. We've gotten in the habit of doing the scans on the weekend so that Dan doesn't have to take any time off. This MRI will also be the first one with my new health insurance. I have no idea how much of it will be covered, which of course is another new cause of stress. Typically, my MRI bill is around $5500 (each). There's nothing I can do about it, though, so I have to get the scan and if it isn't covered I'll just quote Steve Carell.


Am I scared with the changes in my body? Sure. You bet. But what can I do? All I can do in times like these is keep chugging along, take things one step at a time. Live day by day. My life might be unique to the general population, but it's not unique in the cancer world, and certainly not the brain tumor world. Sometimes that fact alone gives me inspiration. There are so many fighters out there, and even with the fear of another tumor, I know that I want to enjoy my life, each moment. My new favorite thing has been cooking. It's always healthy foods, brain tumor fighting stuff, lots of veggies, lean meats, and lots of healthy fats (think avocados). There's something about exercising, too. It brings me closest to my version of heaven, engulfing me in an elated bubble. Takes me to a world where I can conquer anything, least of all a silly brain tumor. Exercise equates life for me. Our bodies are meant to move, to stretch, to sweat.

My one wish is that I wasn't so tired all the time. My biggest regret in life is the fact that I don't have enough energy. I struggle, deeply, with daily tasks. Even without pushing myself I get exhausted by the most minimal activities. Maybe that's why I adore exercise. It makes me feel alive, and the physical exertion followed by the soreness makes sense. It's one thing that I can count on. It's logical, when so much of my life doesn't seem to add up. I don't know why people get the battles they do. I don't know why some have harder challenges. I don't know the meaning of life. I don't know my purpose. I don't know why some tumors grow and others don't. I don't know much, in fact. I know that I am beloved by Dan, and I deeply love him in return. I know that I have several close friends who truly understand, to their best ability, what I'm going through and they are unimaginably gracious to me. I know that I laugh every day. I know that I love every day. Sometimes life can seem so complicated, but when you break it down, it turns out, it's actually pretty simple.

9 comments:

  1. You hit the nail on the head! Life breaks down to being pretty simple. We sometimes complicate it more than it needs to be. However cancer is a complication all on it's own, one that was not invited or planned for. It seems we no longer have simple but instead a must do list. I think the trick is figuring out what has to go on this list, and being realistic about what needs to go on the can wait till later or not necessary list. I am one that tries to do it all, a complete exercise in frustration! Sometimes (more often would be good) I accept that the red "S" on my cape does not stand for superwoman, but rather SLOW Down!!! Or maybe it stands for SLEEP more, whatever it is I realize we are all on a hamster wheel of some kind. I guess it is up to us when and how we get off of it. I pray for you that you find a good balance for yourself and find acceptance for it, we could all use a little of that. Blessings all over Ya!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Regarding the tiredness, it could be the DCA if you are still taking that. When I was on it, it made me really lethargic. As in, just getting up from the couch took like 30 seconds of talking myself into it. Also, after a few months I started to get lots of random ticks and twitches. It all went away shortly after stopping DCA.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, I would love to hear more about your experience with DCA, if you could find the time. Here's my email address: jessoldwyn@hotmail.com. Thank you for sharing!!

      Delete
  3. Jessica, hope you don't mind me saying this but I was pleasantly surprised when I recently came across your blog while doing my regular brain tumor google searches. My sister was diagnosed with a grade III glioma in 2011 and your stories have a lot of similarities - not to mention you both seem to be fighting this with determination, grace and good humor. I have enjoyed reading your posts and wish you well as you continue in your fight and live your life to the fullest. Sheila

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Sheila, you are so sweet. I really appreciate the support! And, I hope your sister is healthy, and well! If you guys ever have any questions, or if I can help with anything, please don't hesitate to contact me. I really mean that.

      Delete
    2. Thanks Jessica. I am actually going to take you up on your offer. I hope you dont mind, but I emailed you at the address you listed above. Thanks!

      Delete
  4. One step at a time, right Jess?! Day by day is all you can do. You are doing SO brilliantly!!! Try and keep your head up my love. What a beautiful summary to your post. We are ALL learning from you!!!

    Love, light, laughter and healing energy from NYC.

    S, J and O

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Jessica--the symptoms you are describing (dizzyness, vertigo, etc) can be the result of chronic hyperventilation. With your doctor's help, you might want to rule that out. They say a high percentage of ambulance trips to the hospital are due to hyperventilation. There's a lot of research about it on the net. I have seizures, so there's some kind of brain weirdness. You are an amazing person with your blog and your openness about your feelings and your illness -- I am in awe of your emotional honesty and stamina--I wish you all the best--and I live in the NW. This weather can be a downer. Hope your "other" can drive you up to Paradise on a clear day!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Jessica, I just came across your blog while looking for a watercress smoothie recipe. I've been captivated by your journal. You are one amazingly inspirational lady. We can all learn so much from your genuine presence in facing cancer. Give your body the rest and pampering it needs. Sending prayers your way.

    LJ

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Back to Top