Am I scared? Yep. Always. It's unnerving and surreal to have a mass growing in your brain. I'm starting to become an expert in a process I have no desire to be fluent.
If I have a bad scan, we have back up plans. They aren't definitive, it has to do more with further genetic testing, but it's a start. The biggest disappointment, if they show tumor growth, will be the doubt it will create in my mind. It would, inevitably, effect my confidence and psyche. I haven't felt this good since before I was diagnosed. I'm gently driving again, and have been free of auras and seizures (knock on wood) for just shy of a year. I have more energy, and I'm all around happier. I've found a groove.
I hope, I dream, I pray that my tumor has not grown and that I will have four more months of freedom.
Tonight, Dan picked a funny movie to distract ourselves. Tired from a long day, I scooted over and leaned my head onto his lap. I rolled to face him, and he looked into my eyes. We sat there ignoring the movie for a few moments. I don't know what he was thinking as he stroked the hair from my face, but I was thinking about how sorry I am that he has to deal with this type of stressful life. This roller coaster of living scan to scan, never knowing if things will be okay, or if they're about to get worse. There are many stresses in cancer, and I wish I could shelter him. I just love him so very much. I wish I could give him the life he deserves. And hopefully, someday, I will.
Love you Jess!!! Sending good thoughts your way. L.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you a lot lately. I'm praying for your results. I go get mine in a couple of weeks as well. Hopefully we will both have four more months to put it on the back burner. I am coming up to 7 years from my first surgery--Valentines Day 2007. What a great way to celebrate! :( Anyway, so thankful for all of that time but I do want lots more! Life is good and it's good to be alive. Keep living as best you can. Your friend, Jess
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