Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Don't Fear The Lemons

I've been resting, and trying to crazily distract myself from the MRI on Saturday at the same time. I am a living contradiction. How human of me.

I feel calmer than normal about this MRI. I'm not feeling more confident, I just feel like I don't know what life is going to bring me. My fate. So many people have come before me, fighting cancers and illnesses, and sometimes they win, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the people who survive aren't the ones you'd expect. I can work as diligently as possible, exhausting as many treatments as I can afford, and that is literally all I can do. And you know what, I may find that nothing will stop this monster in my brain. Or, randomly, one of these scans we will realize that he has not been growing and that all of my very hard work has been panning out.

In the meantime, I have been having so much fun. Not like I've been out doing crazy activities, but I have been really enjoying each moment. I've been driving more; I've expanded my radius to approximately 5 miles from our home. I feel free, and happy, and calm when I drive. I don't talk on my phone, or check text messages. I keep the radio on low, the vents are on low. I avoid high traffic times of the day, and I use back roads. If the posted speed limit is 35 mph, I'm plugging along at 30-33 mph. That reminds me, next time there's a slowpoke in front of you, please think of people like me. I pull over when there's someone behind me, because I'm cognizant of what it's like to be stuck behind a Sunday driver, but there are those that are scared, and just need to keep moving forward. Ignore me if I sound preachy, I was just trying to provide a different inner monologue for your next trip stuck behind a slug.

Today, I drove myself to the gym then headed all the way to Sky Nursery. I have been wanting a citrus plant for a few years, but I didn't want to spend the money. Since Dan worked so hard last weekend, clocking a good 24 hours, he said I could treat myself. Isn't he sweet?! So, he's still at work, but I can't wait to introduce him to our newest addition.....

I've been joking with a couple of friends, sending photos of our new family member, that when life gives you lemons, go out and grow your own because clearly, you are meant to have lemons. I'm not afraid lemons, or the connotation. I don't invite negativity or hardships, but I've learned that things are only as powerful as I allow them to be. And each time I look at this little guy, it makes me feel accomplished, proud of myself; I feel fearless, and grateful. It reminds me of all of the hard work I've done, the times when I had no hair, when I had trouble walking, and running, and speaking, and reading. Lemons are nothing to fear because I am resilient. I don't know what my role on this Earth is. I don't know if I'll be able to stop Hermie from growing. I don't know what happens when people die. Clearly, I don't know much about a lot of things, but one thing that I do know is that I am eternally happy with my life. And I'm grateful for the joys of this world.

3 comments:

  1. "So Cal" PattiJanuary 30, 2014 at 10:35 AM

    Love this post Jess! I really like your statement that things are only as powerful as you allow them to be. I constantly need to remind myself of that. Your return to driving as brought me hope that I too will be able to drive again soon. I always drive slow and take side streets but I manage to get there in peace. That's exciting about your little lemon tree! I too have been looking at investing in one as I have to have my groceries delivered and their produce is lousy and too expensive. Sending my love and thoughts to you that this MRI will be clear! Love, "So Cal" Patti

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  2. I love your post and now I want to get a lemon tree of my own! You have a great perspective on life. More people should be like you- in more ways than one! My sister started her travels this week to get second opinions for future treatment and so far her best option is through UCLA. Thanks again for the recommendation. I will be sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers for your MRI tomorrow.
    Sheila

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  3. Always love your attitude Jess! Thinking good thoughts for you.

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