Thursday, September 22, 2011

Good-Bye Old Girl

Breakfast Soup/Smoothie

It looks gross, but I'm telling you it's delicious. Here's how you make it. Chop up one nectarine (make sure it's super ripe - very fragrant) and toss it in a blender. Once it's blended fill the blender full of spinach (stuff it in there). Add water to the thickness you desire. Add 1-2 tablespoons of flax seed oil. Blend it all together until it's thick and kind of frothy. Aaaaand, serve. It's delicious. You can't even taste the spinach. In fact, it tastes like a nutty nectarine drink. It is wonderful!

That is how I started my day. I'm trying to be good to myself because today is the day that my baby princess Stella the cat will be leaving this world. I slept on the floor with her last night in a sleeping bag. She has trouble getting onto the bed these days. I've cried and cried, and cried and then cried some more and I know that I still have hours of crying in the future.

As I told a friend in an email today, since I don't have children, this cat has been my baby for the past eight years. She was a stray that needed love, and I was fresh off of a disastrous breakup. My fiance called it off less than two months before the wedding by using the words, "I'm not attracted to you anymore." If that doesn't hurt, I don't know what does. Mark that down as possibly the worst breakup line in history. My parents helped me move from Texas to Wenatchee, Washington and that is where a sassy, headstrong cat came into my life.

Ever since we tamed her, she has followed me around like a shadow. She has been a rock in my life, a confidant, a snuggle buddy, and entertainment. She makes me laugh so hard.

The other day, while I was packing up for the big move, I found a journal. It was from several years ago. I had started writing to an unborn child, a child that I hoped I would someday have. In it, as I was writing, Stella came up and curled up on my lap. She always had a sense for when I needed love. You see, I was married before Danny (it was a few years after the bad breakup - my twenties were quite eventful). On the day after the wedding, my husband told me he no longer wanted children. We had talked about having children the whole time we were dating, and then all of a sudden, in one day, a very important after the fact disclosure happened. I should have just annulled it then, but I thought that I had a responsibility to my husband, and the ideal of marriage. Three years later, the inevitable happened. It wasn't just the child issue, it was everything, everything was wrong. My main point is that I had several very sad, very hard years. I felt isolated, unloved, and trapped. Through it all, I had Stella. She never left my side. We gardened together. We went on walks. We cleaned the house while I cursed her in jest for being so hairy. She was my baby. Even when I would go on trips, she was always waiting for me, excited to be with me, always happy or ready for a nap.

Sometimes a pet is just a pet, a fun little buddy to make you laugh or enjoy for entertainment purposes. Stella was a friend. One of my best friends. 

I know it's time to let her go. She just threw up again last night even though she has been on two different types of medicine, one of them twice a day. It's so hard to play "God" and put her to sleep. It feels wrong, but it feels even worse to make her suffer. She's in a lot of pain, and it hurts me to look in her eyes and see the sadness.


  1. "To be with a person [or beloved animal] who is dying, to share consciousness with him [her], and to help him [her] die consciously is one of the most exquisite manisfestations of the Bodhisattva role."

    Baba Ram Dass

    Stella's been a blessing for you, as you have been a blessing for her. It's so hard to say goodbye.

  2. Jess, I'm so sorry to hear you had to say good bye to your beloved Stella. I had to do that for my dog - it was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I knew I had to for the love of my precious friend.

  3. 'We who surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan..." This was sent to me in Friday Harbor as words of comfort when I had to have a much-loved pet put to sleep.

  4. So sorry for your loss of a dear friend!

  5. So sorry Jess. They are part of the family, with the unconditional and unwavering love to us.

  6. Interesting choice of words there jessica. The truth will never be known.


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