Grumpy Girl

When I'm in a bad mood, I figure it's a great time to get out for a run. Today was no exception. We were a perfect pair, Mother Nature and I, both cranky. The wind slapped my face over and over again like a cold fish. The rain drops soaked me through every article of clothing, all the way down to the toes.

I'm not sure why I'm in such a bad mood. I guess I'm caught up in the seriousness of having cancer. This can happen when I'm on strict mode with my diet. It's wonderful to eat supremely (why does that word make me think of pizza) healthy, but I hate the fact that my food sins literally are punishable by death. It would be nice if my food sins were just punishable by fat. At times, it's an overwhelming feeling.

It's weird that almost two years ago I was diagnosed with my brain tumor. And almost unimaginable that I have been living in three month spans ever since. My life is completely dictated by my three month MRIs, scheduled just to watch my cancer grow (Except for the last MRI. Phew!). Oddly, I find that I've been appreciating life, the daily gifts, but the big picture is lost. It's wonderful living in the moment, but there's something about having long term goals. I realize that life changes for everyone, that it's difficult to plan, but it's different when your survival is literally up in the air, and constantly shoved in your face. It's a lot.

Tuesday Night's Dinner

Tonight's Dinner

Time To Work

Started playing with my pills this morning. Not exactly the beer can towers of college days. Yesterday, at the gym, I weighed myself. YIKES. In January at my last MRI I weighed 144. Now, I weigh 150. I guess I need to take this a little bit more seriously. It was quite the wake up call. Dan and I talked about it for quite a bit last night. We are very strict right now, this whole week I'm on a plant based diet (other than a glass of milk each morning and evening for pills). We're going to take Saturday off to celebrate Saint Patty's day with friends, but come Sunday we will be back on the whole foods diet of months past. We will not be cheating again until after the MRI. It's been a lot of fun, but it's time to get back to business. I have to say, when I stepped on the scale and had to move the little black weight over further and further to the right, my stomach pulled into knots and my sweat pores started tingling. I was in shock.

Oh well, I can get this back on track. I love taking a week or so of only eating plants. You can eat whatever you want, as much as you want. It's actually a lot of fun. That probably sounds crazy, but it's fun to change it up. Damn. 150? Ugh. Jessica Lynn. I'm not so upset about the numbers necessarily, it's more the fact that any extra weight feeds Herm. That's always the kicker. But, each day, each meal, I decide what I'm going to put in my mouth and each step is a choice. I'm ready to conquer this next month and see what's going on in my brain at the MRI. I have to relax and play a little, but now it's time to work.