Last Thursday was a turning point for me. I had breakfast with Jude, and Seanene, and after I jogged home, I called So Cal Patti. I had been living on a 25% belief that I could beat my cancer, but then, throughout the day, something shifted. When he came home from work, I told Danny I was at a solid 75% which is great news because I had been tearful at the drop of a hat before Thursday. And, I'm incredibly happy to report that after this past weekend, I realized I'm back at 100% again - just like the old days. I can't explain it, it's just a gut feeling. That's not to say that I'm not fearful for my journey, but I'm more excited about the future success of my treatments.
Somehow I realized, truly absorbed the notion, that I am incredibly healthy. That no one would ever expect me to be ill. That I'm shockingly healthy, and capable, and fortunate. I have been surrounded by a loving and selfless man who continuously makes me laugh uncontrollably, and I have mounds of friends who endlessly hug me, and give me their love, constantly filling up my soul. I have family who will stop at nothing to help me beat this. I have new friends who have found me from this blog, and continue to support and love me even though they have their own challenges in their lives. I am alive, I am thriving, I am quite possibly the luckiest girl in the world.
I want to say that "cancer" is just a word, but that would downplay the reality. Cancer is serious, it's scary, terrifying actually, but life is full of beautiful relationships, of love, laughter, and kindness. Somehow, I no longer really feel like I have "cancer". I feel like I am a whole person, completely healthy, incredibly capable, and that my choice to do this chemo drink, to take all of my supplements, to exercise, to partake in the IV treatments, and to practice my deep breathing, are all to keep me healthy. I feel like I'm more in the maintenance phase than a deeply stressful fight to save my life. It's an amazing evolution, one that was necessary for my survival. People can not function in survival mode for long, not without enduring serious consequences.
