Saturday, January 10, 2015

Supressed Dreams

It wasn't a conscious decision, but I'm noticing that I've been posting less and less about my personal life, and more about other stuff. After almost five years of blogging my brain tumor journey, I'm realizing that emoting is exhausting. Truthfully, looking back, I never really thought I would even be alive this long. I believed what the doctors told me, that I'd be lucky to have 4.5 years. It's not that I thought I would die, it's more that I couldn't conceptualize long term living. I couldn't even imagine what life would look like, and I felt that dreaming of something that may never come was unhealthy. So, instead of dreaming of the future, I've been living in the moment, focusing on each day, and day by day it has turned into years, and years. It's thrilling, and confusing, because if I'm going to actually live, actually survive, then what is my life going to look like? And that's what I've been going through over the past few months. I've been absorbing the reality that I may live. That I may be able to grow old, and enjoy all of the things that come with that.

That's the weird thing with this kind of diagnosis, is that they say the tumors always grow back. That we're never safe. But I know many stories of people that survive long term. They're not the norm, and none of them are unscathed by their brain tumor diagnosis and treatments, but they're alive nonetheless.

I guess I'm adjusting to the concept of living long term, what that would look like. Whether or not I should entertain making some goals. When I was diagnosed I was 29. Now, this year I'm turning 35. I have been trying to survive for so long, and with my MRIs pushed out to every six months, I'm getting a glimpse of what real life could be. So now, it's time to start contemplating the dreams I have suppressed, that I've shoved so deep down in my soul that I don't even know what they are.

In the meantime I'd like to share a photo of my friend Jess. In December I was able to join her for her graduation from Johns Hopkins School of Nursing. I am so proud of her, and excited for her new journey. I like to think that I was her first true patient. :)


1 comment:

  1. I have known in my heart from the very first day I found your blog that you would beat this and have a long and happy life! Your spirit is so strong and I am delighted to call you my friend! Love you Jess, you are still in my prayers every night, and I hope that we can get back in touch this year! Keep moving forward and thriving!!! Love, So Cal Patti

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