Monday, June 9, 2014

It's All About Images

Good morning. Sorry I haven't written in a week, I've been dealing with a horrible reaction to one of my treatments - cystic acne. GROSS. It has been all over my entire face, and one of my saddlebags. (How is that even physically possible?!?) It was absolutely disgusting. I've since kind of gotten it under control. My friends didn't believe that it was that bad (apparently I'm always saying that my skin's broken out when I only have a zit or two - whoops, the girl called acne too many times) so I had to send them pictures. And finally, with solid proof, they relented, agreeing that my breakout was major.

I had been dealing with acne for the past month, and I wrote it off as stress related, a disappointing side effect of MRIs. But as it continued to worsen, even after the MRI, I realized that I needed to reevaluate the issue. First, I stopped all treatments except the blue scorpion venom. Then I looked back to the times I started various supplements, and I talked to Dan, analyzing if we remembered any bouts of acne. Finally, looking back to my log book (which is not as thorough as it should be, but still quiet helpful) we pinpointed the PolyMVA as the most likely culprit.

I also wracked my brain about any changes in cleansers, laundry detergents, etc. but nothing had changed. I started looking into the PolyMVA and read that it is comprised of a variety of B vitamins like B1, B2 & B12 (and some other antioxidants). According to what I've read around the internet, B12 stimulates sebum production (the oil on our skin) and excessive sebum is what causes cystic acne; it's what clogs the pores. Some people with even the slightest supplementation of B vitamins breakout in pimples, and I was doing major doses. Anyway, I'm sure you guys don't really care about acne, but I'm telling you the acne on my face was debilitating. I didn't leave the house until yesterday. Almost a whole week. Man, I'm vain. But seriously, my face literally hurt, so it wasn't actually purely about looks. I talked to another BT (brain tumor) friend who has been taking PolyMVA for, gosh, I think a year or two and she has never had any problems. But each body is different, and each body's needs are different. And I have exceedingly sensitive skin, it's practically impossible to please, so even the tiniest of adjustments could lead to a nuclear situation.

So how did I fix it? Well, I still had several days worth of Accutane, so I started taking those again. Accutane dries up sebum production. I also started putting tea tree oil on my face, a more natural way to do the same thing. For the first few days, it was not getting better, and I was frustrated, discouraged. Good thing my parents were headed over for the West Seattle all school high school reunion Friday, and my dad's 50th for West Seattle on Saturday, and mom packed the big guns for me. Gotta love moms, they're always saving the day. I've been terrified of chemicals, never knowing what contributed to my cancer, so I try and do things naturally, but sometimes in order to get things under control you have to make a deal with the devil. It took several applications of Retin-A, and several applications of Benzoyl Peroxide. Both, I believe, are known carcinogens (at least in some countries - our country likes dispute carcinogenic claims, even when well documented). But I HAD to. I have pictures to prove how disgusting it was, and I don't want to show you, but at the same time, you almost have to see how disgusting it was to understand. It's embarrassing when your skin is rupturing. It's your shell, your image. It implies that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. I'm trying to live as a vision of health, so when something like this happens it shakes you to your core. You feel helpless, disgusting, like a failure.

Okay, I can't do it. I can't move myself to upload the photos, or even one of them. I'm too embarrassed. Too proud. It's weird, I mentioned this to a friend a few weeks ago, that although I'm married, and fighting cancer, I still want to be seen as attractive. There's this thing that happens when you get diagnosed with a "terminal" cancer - maybe for any kind of cancer, I don't know - people love you, so they feel bad for you. They may not describe it as pity, exactly, but you get tossed into a different category. Almost ambiguous, and asexual. People see your trials, and know your struggles, what you're working with, and you become less human. Or too human. You become either too vulnerable to tease and flirt, or you become too scientific, too medical. Of course, here I am blaming everyone else, maybe it's me, maybe I'm just too serious. That I'm different. That's possible. I've talked to others though, in my position, and there's definitely a divide once you're diagnosed. People don't know how to handle us. It has to be awkward, I guess.

Regardless of all the above written word, I have to say that acne - although frustrating - is a great issue to have. Acne is fixable. Just a few weeks ago we were worrying about radiation, clinical trials, discussing what we would do if the tumor was back. And I wish I didn't care about being attractive. Dan has always found me sexy, even when bald and simple minded, that should be enough. Who cares what other people think? Right? I don't know why it isn't just that simple. Ego? That's embarrassing to admit.

Here's a much cuter picture than me, it's my father's senior class photo. Isn't he adorable?!? Man, I can finally see Kaal (my brother) in that face. Crazy how we grow into our parent's images. Pretty cool.


10 comments:

  1. Hey Jess! Sorry to hear about your acne...that sucks. I am wondering if you'd been taking the B vitamins and it just popped (no pun intended) up, or if you just started them and then noticed. Not that I am a medical expert in any way, shape, or form...but wanted to let you know that last year my sister-in-law (who was otherwise healthy) started breaking out with the same thing (cystic as well). She had no idea what it was and it started to even spread to her neck. She tried different meds and remedies and thought she had shingles. She was in so much pain and it lasted for several months. She found out that she had adult onset acne, which apparently can occur to a lot of women in their 30's. She was able to get something to treat it, but hopefully what you've gotten from your mom will do the trick. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone :) in your fight to eradicate zits. If you need any more info on it or how she treated it because those pimples get stubborn, let me know! Gross or not, I am SURE you are still as beautiful as ever; just ask Danny! Miss you, Winnie

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    1. Thank you for sharing that story! It's getting better (thank God). Now it's just red :). Hope your sister-in-law has recovered too! Xo

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  2. I think my favorite thing about your blog is how candid you are. It's a rare treat and very endearing. Thanks for keeping us posted.

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    1. I should have just posted them. I'm such a chicken :)

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  3. I can relate with you when you say you feel different. I lost two members of my immediate family a few years ago. I have felt so out of the loop since then. I know we grieve losses of people, homes, jobs, health, our looks, so many things. We wonder when we will accept our "new normal". Truth is, life is always changing and we must adapt, we have no choice. So I try my best (all any of us can do!). You are a marvel at how quickly you adapt, amazing. But I do know it feels different now and only we can feel it. Our most well meaning loved ones try their best to relate, but we are forever changed. I look at it in the form of gratitude. I am grateful for those years of precious time I did have with my sweet family (I believe now in heaven). I know life is but a breath, and I try to enjoy as many as possible. We can't let sadness and regrets steal away our joy that is available this day! So sweet girl, enjoy every breath you take and know you are wonderfully and beautifully made and God loves you so much!!! Blessings<3

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    1. You are so sweet, with your kind message. I'm sorry that you lost those family members, I can image it has to have completely shifted your whole life. I love your attitude! Gratitude IS the best way to keep smiling, even through the hard stuff. And sometimes the hard stuff lasts longer than we think. Good thing you and I seem to enjoy turning our heads to the heavens with smiles. Thank you for sharing with me. I'll have a smile on all day because of you. :)

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  4. How frustrating! My sister has made similar comments about her struggles w/ acne caused by her steroids. I think people think with a brain tumor, everything else like acne is so minor, but at the same time, you are human and acne sucks. And when you dont feel great, looking good at times makes you feel a little better or at least a little more normal/like yourself. Anyways, glad to hear the acne is getting better. Love reading your blog.

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    1. Thank you Sheila. It's definitely getting better, which is such a relief. Funny how such a trivial thing can dictate your life. How's your sister?

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  5. It's so funny, when people say to me, "you look so great!" I always feel like there should be a dot dot dot after and then: for having cancer. I don't feel like people see ME anymore. I have a large, permanent bald spot and it really bothers me. When they told me that would happen I thought I wouldn't care because at least the cancer would be gone, but I do care. It's awful. I can relate.

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    1. Oh Katie, I wish so badly that you didn't have a permanent bald spot. That's just awful. You don't deserve that. I'm really sorry. It has to change the perception of yourself when you look in the mirror, though I wish life was more simple and that it wouldn't. I wish I could fix it for you.

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