Monday, November 5, 2012

Mal Meds

My medications have been making crazy. For the past week I have been confused about what specific meds are causing problems. As my pills run out, it's easier to pinpoint. I have been hallucinating, talking to myself and to imaginary people when I'm alone. Now that I'm back with Dan, he caught me in an episode, so he emailed Dr Liau. He also talked to her about the fact that my whole face is covered in painful blisters. I'm not fairing well, constantly in pain (no more pain meds), blisters all over my face - spreading across my body, hallucinations, serious depression, suicidal thoughts, it's so awful.

Dr Liau has me tapering off the anti-seizure medication early,thankfully. All we can hope for is to get back to normal, back to the happy place where I normally live. I am barely hanging on, at the end of my rope, feeling crazy, LITERALLY psychotic and very much in pain.

Sorry to my friends, but I don't want to see anyone. Please don't stop by. I love you guys, but I'm not ready.

26 comments:

  1. May GOD place you in the palms of his hands to protect you.

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  2. Jess, you are loved so much by so many!!! Hang in there sweetie....this too shall pass!

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  3. "So Cal" PattiNovember 5, 2012 at 10:37 AM

    Sending love and prayers your way for better days ahead! Love, "So Cal" Patti

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  4. So sorry you are going through this. This must be the "ugly" side it seems every surgery has. Hopefully it will be short lived and you will be feeling better soon. Hugs to you all and remember you are loved - even during these times.

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  5. Sending so much love and good energy your way. Be kind to yourself and hang in there.

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  6. Friends are around for the good times and bad, we are here if you need us. SO MUCH LOVE headed your way! xxxoxxx.

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  7. Much love to you...you will get through this - thank you for your honesty. May something happen very soon that brings an unexpected smile and a bit of peace.

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  8. Jessica
    I was going to post the same comment when I saw the "Hang in there, this to shall pass" You are so loved & lifted in prayer !!!! My husband had difficulites with meds after his surgery for the tumor on his brain stem. He suffered deep depression also, Jess. He was unable to see people for quite a while. You are not alone Jessica & Dan, there are those of who understand. The surgery is not always the hardest part sometimes the recovery is. It's a slow process but it will will get better !!!

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  9. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, there are bettr times ahead .....
    You are loved and thought of daily by so many that there is no other way than to get well and feel better soon.

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  10. Jessica, I am so sorry you're experiencing this level of grief/difficult with your recovery. You are amazing and there are better days ahead. Prayers continue for you on your recovery.
    We are all here for the ups and downs. We are Team Jess!

    Love and Hugs ,
    Rich and Andre

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  11. Ok we all know there are times when we do not think we can make it through something. You are tough and we all know that, and you are gentle, and we all know that too. Sweet girl please just one day at a time. When we get too far ahead of ourselves it is overwhelming! One day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time. So many of us reading your blog have been where you are as far as depression goes. It is a slow steady climb to beat this, listing in your head constantly the things you are grateful for. I, am grateful for you and your strong spirit!I am grateful that I know you will get back to the joy you have always exuded. I am grateful you are surrounded by outstanding people who love you rain or shine. I am just grateful for you, and to God I say thank you for this precious life, and Lord please bless this life with your love and mercy. You got this Jess!!!!

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  12. Jess, once again I am going to use my very short time in the medical world to say that I very much relate to what you are going through. I remember feeling like I was in my own prison because of my meds, and all the side effects, all the thoughts. I remember being at Great Wolf Lodge, of all places, with my children and a ton of family, but where was I? Curled up in a ball in the shower, sobbing, wishing I didn't have to deal with any of it. I know it really feels like hell. I get it. Hang on with whatever you have in you right now. You are so very loved. This will pass and you will feel clear again. Love, Marlis

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  13. One minute at a time if need be. You have come so far and I pray to God that you heal quickly and out of pain. I hold you close to my heart and know that you will make it. Not too much right now, breathe, breathe, breathe...love, Becki

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  14. Jess,

    This is, without a doubt, an allergic reaction to the medication (seizure or otherwise). Tapering you off is necessary, obviously, but I'm so glad Dan called and started you on the process of getting off of it. It may take a little while for it to leave your system, but you WILL feel better afterward. Trust that. Everything you are experiencing (hallucinations, depression, anger, etc...)is due to those meds. You will bounce back! Just hang in there...

    Love,

    John and Steph

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  15. Sweet Sweet Jess...I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a miserable time. You still amaze me and the fact that you are willing and able to sit down and write it all out to share with everyone speaks volumes about the person you are. You will get through this; I know it! You are one tough cookie and an inspiration to us all. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day! Love, Winnie

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  16. I'm so sorry Jess! Tapering off nasty meds and not feeling like your self is the worst. Your the strongest person I know! You got this girl! Sending so much love, healing and positive vibes your way. Melissa

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  17. Hang in there, Jess. Full support!

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  18. Jess, hang in there, it will get better. I hope your dr. can figure out what's going on and very soon. Sending prayers your way! xoxo Reg

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  19. We love you Jess! Please hang in there, I can't imagine how difficult things must be, but just know that so many people love you. People you know, and those who you have never met, are all rooting for you. We send our prayers, our love, positive thoughts, good vibes and any other support we can. I pray that your meds are getting worked out so you can keep on getting stronger every day. I pray for your healing and send love and hugs to you!
    Love,
    Sarah & Joey

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  20. I am so sorry to hear about the pain and frustration you are dealing with. Remember that you recently had a major tune-up done...on your brain. Things will get better. It may seem like a long time now, but someday soon this will be part of your past. Your legacy of strength and perseverance. Stay strong and keep that beautiful smile on as much as you can. Much, much love to you!
    The Taylor/Eastman/Mauseth Fams

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  21. It is the meds, not you! You are so strong and so loved and will get through this. This will pass!

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  22. Jess,

    Ditto everything that John said.. Just hang in my sweets. You are so strong and resilient, just get through this part and you will be back on the train to 'happy place Jess land'. Send you love and strength. xox

    Steph and John

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  23. I am praying for you a peace that passes all understanding. I pray God touches and heals your body and spirit. When all feels lost and depressing. look to Him, He is all comfort and hope. God bless you with healing and seeing the real beauty of life. You are going through a hard time, but a season of joy is so near, hang in there. Be ready for and look forward to the next chapter in your wonderful life!!!

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  24. Sending you so much love Jess!! Thinking of you every day!! One day, one moment at a time, little by little, each day will get brighter!
    Love, Maleka

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