Saturday, November 24, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Dan and I hosted our brother and sister-in-law and their son. Christel and I cooked an entire thanksgiving meal (my first). It was hilarious! I never understood the necessity of timing for such a feast. Usually I'm with the boys watching football. I seriously deeply appreciate the women (and few men) who have cooked Holiday meals in the past. It truly is a logistical nightmare! Some things were a little cold, a couple of things were forgotten, and we might have over cooked the turkey, but it was also delicious! Thankfully none of us are picky :)

Now I'm relaxing at my parents house. I think it's been around 6 months or so since I've been here, it tricky when you can't drive and traveling alone isn't an option. I've been excited to get here, but I was also very nervous. The movement and travel are exhausting. It kind of jumbled up my brain. It's frustrating but I try to remember that I'm just over a month past brain surgery.

I'm recovering well, but its also confusing. I look in the mirror and I think I look fine, but I don't always feel fine. I still can't leave the house alone. I can't be in fluorescent lights or shopping centers, or anywhere too loud. My brain gets overwhelmed easily, yet refuses to nap. My right side has not improved, but I'm learning to work around it. It takes 5-10 attempts to put a glove on my right hand. It takes about 10 +/- minutes to put earrings in. I can finally put a bra on by myself (no more sports bras...yes!) - still it takes several attempts. I'm getting better at doing things that make me feel like a normal girl, but the sensation is still horribly lacking. It's creepy, and messes with my confidence. I know it will get better bit it physically feels bad, it almost makes me nauseous and definitely frustrated. I want to run it out or go lift a weights to wake it up, but I can't leave the house alone and I can't workout at the gym because of the stimulation. I've gotten fatter, which I know will get better when I'm able to truly exercise, but it's hard to keep positive when I'm missing my endorphins.

I try and find someone to walk with five days a week, but at heart I'm a runner and I need speed. Hopefully ill be able to start pushing the boundaries so that I can get out alone. I'm scared though. I've been overwhelmed once since the surgery when I thought I might be having an aura. I took a lorazepam and stuck my head into the crisp cool air and I calmed down. I just don't want to have a seizure out around the lake all by myself, worse even would be along the walk to the lake among the neighborhoods. It could be very ugly. I don't want to push things and yet at the same time it's the only thing I DO want to do. It's all a gambling game.

I'm going to try and take a nap. I'm pooped.


  1. We continue to check in on your blog and are so inspired by your strength through this journey. Your are a wonder!

    - Adam, Sarah & Family

  2. I am thinking of you always Jessica and I am sorry that this is so hard for you right now! I can only imagine the frustration and impatience you must feel at times! Please know that you are always on my mind and in my heart! I am hoping that your progress speeds up so that you can feel the confidence you deserve and desire. In my eyes, from a distance, you have come so far in such a short time, but I know that may seem like forever to you. I am here! I care very much and I am so amazed by you every day! Big hugs to you!! You have triumphed through so many moments in time and you continue to! <3
    Love, Maleka


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