Day 3: Broccoli Sprouts

Things are not looking very good on the sprout front. I'm actually afraid to take a photo to share...I'm going to suck it up though, and go take one. Cringe. Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. My mom said this was going to be, and I quote, "Sooo (very exaggerated) easy."

I'm so disappointed with my sprouts. Good grief. I'm capable of growing things outside! I swear! Here's some proof. It's not quite the garden from last year, but there's still a bunch of delicious and beautiful things in there.

Apparently, my wild bunny has hankering for the spicy stuff!

Last night, Danny and I were sitting on our patio when we heard a hummingbird swing through. Dan grabbed the camera, and took the follow photos. As you can see, the little guy wasn't exactly the hummingbird we were expecting...

Click To See A Larger Photo

See what you think. I'm on Team Moth. He's pretty when he's looking away, but jeez, that mug is a face only a mother could love.

This is what I do to distract myself from the unknown. I'm scared about the seizures. The other night I woke up at 3:30am and I had a sort of panic attack, or crazy headache, I'm not sure exactly what it was. I don't know how to explain it. Anyway, my mind was going a million miles per hour with thoughts, then everything went blank. I felt like I was about to have a seizure. It was very scary. I ran to take my pre-seizure pill and then laid on my back in bed, trying to practice my meditation breathing technique.

I don't know what else to do. I take my seizure medicine and I sleep as much as I can. I exercise regularly, I'm only running 10-11 minute miles for 30-40 minutes every other day, but I'm working toward going faster again. The only other key, that I can think of, is a healthy diet. I'm not sure what else I can do. I'm reading a book about meditation and trying to practice stress management. I honestly am at a loss. I think I seem completely normal to people, but I sleep so much, and I'm exhausted constantly. I try to put on a happy face, and usually that's a true feeling not a facade, because I don't want to focus on the scary stuff, but jeez. I feel like I'm continuing to deteriorate. Specifically since the seizures.

Thankfully, my parents noticed my difficulties and talked to Danny. We had all been feeling like we were sitting, waiting, for doctors to radiate my brain. They aren't proactive, their specialty is radiation. Anyway, now we're trying to take another avenue. My parents contacted John Hopkins University for an appointment. We're hoping that they'll review my medical records and they can help us figure out another step in my care. We want to do more preventative stuff. I don't want to waste a moment. It's better to stop the growth than to try and resect again, or radiate.

I know it's pointless to stress about my health, in fact it's detrimental, but those who are around me all the time (my mom, dad and Danny) can see changes in my capabilities. That scares me. And, it scares me that it scares them. I wish this whole tumor debacle would just evaporate, just *POOF* be gone. My parents should be hosting BBQs with friends, laughing and living their lives. Danny should be dreaming about having a life with babies, the family he has always wanted. Kaal shouldn't be worried about his little sister. The rest of my wonderful family, Danny's amazing family, my beautiful friends, everyone - people shouldn't have to worry about this stupid tumor. I don't want to cause stress, but I can see it in people's eyes, and I can see it in their tears. Sometimes the tears are happy ones, other times they come from heartbreak. I'm sorry that this tumor is growing. I honestly thought I would be an exception. As Susea likes to say, "Shoot. Some lucky dog has to win." It's tough to be in that 1%. There's a lot of competition.