Stockholm Syndrome?

I've been thinking a lot lately about this brain tumor journey that I've been on. It's crazy. What a huge diagnosis. It has completely evolved who I am.

For the longest time I've looked at this brain tumor/cancer as a fight, that I'm at war with this little growing nugget in my brain. But the truth is that Herman (my tumor) has taught me invaluable lessons. I've learned more about kindness, about love, generosity, grace, perseverance, tenacity, curiosity, patience, true happiness, and so much more. Instead of fighting Herman, I'm confused because I'm so grateful. It's such a dichotomy. I have so much love in my heart that I've been able to go through this and learn so much, and at the same time I'm at odds with the fact that the same thing that I appreciate so much is supposed to be my demise. It's confusing.

I was okay, as a person, before the brain tumor, but now I can say that I'm truly proud of who I am. I hope it's okay to say that I'm proud of myself - that it's not cocky or weird. It's just that sometimes, in my past, I haven't always been the nicest person, or the most kind, generous, or patient. I'm embarrassed to say that I went through a decent phase of superficiality while I was in college.

Anyway, I'm curious. I'm curious about how this is all going to play out. I feel more at ease with this cancer than I have ever been. But, I wonder, if I am okay with this brain cancer, is that giving up? I don't feel like I'm giving up. I'm still exercising, focusing on my strict diet, laughing, and living my life, but at the same time, if I'm not "fighting", am I accepting? And, is accepting bad?

I can't quite put my finger on this one. Is this healthy or do I have Stockholm Syndrome? I don't even know how to answer this question.

I am Healthy and Strong

It took me a bit, but I finally hooked my camera to the computer. Here are a few fun photos from the WPIG Pigture Perfect fundraising event a month ago.....

Great Minds Think Alike

Mom & Dad

My Thoughtful Hilarious Beautiful Seattle Girls

I have such a wonderful life. I can't even believe it. This past weekend, Danny and I hid from the world. We watched old episodes of Sons Of Anarchy (sometimes I have to close my eyes). We walked around Green Lake. We laughed. We went and checked out the luminaries down by the water - it was beautiful even though I have no idea what it symbolized.

I am so grateful to be alive! I still get doubt and fear. It pops up just for a second here or there throughout the day, but I've started combatting it. Each time I fret, and worry about this cancer, I take a deep breath and I say, "I am healthy and strong." And it's true! I am healthy, and I am strong. I will not live in fear of this cancer. Instead of fearing this coming MRI (next month to the day), I am going to use my logic. I have not had a seizure in over four months. I can walk around Green Lake, even if I can't always run it. I have started lifting weights three nights a week. I am capable. I feel great. I am healthy. I am strong. Most of all, I'm happy.

Luminaries Around Green Lake