MRI

In 24 hours I'll be back in my bird machine, feeling the pulse of the magnet. Here's to hoping for zero new growth!

Emotional Eating

Bad foods cannot live in my house. I only have self control when I have no other option. Unfortunately, Danny and I bought Halloween candy on Friday, and I have been devouring it. I can't stop myself. It's horrible!! I think I'm emotionally eating because I'm scared for my MRI. It's not just the results, but also everything that comes with it, the needles, the IV, the contrast dye, the machine, the smells, the other people in the beds next to me (some with obvious recent surgeries, others not so easy to figure out), it's everything.

I am 80% sure that I will not do radiation even if they recommend it. I have heard over and over from all of the doctors, that radiation will not extend my life. They claim that it's supposed to improve the quality of my life, but looking at the seizure medicine and how they said the meds would improve my quality of life (what a joke), I feel like I have to do what feels right to me, not what the doctors say.

I had a nightmare the other night. I dreamt that doctors administered radiation while I wasn't paying attention. They concluded the radiation several months before I realized, and I didn't notice until I reached to feel the back of my head, quickly realizing when I had a massive bald area (it's very common for radiation to kill the follicles around the tumor area - often never growing back). When I woke up, I felt around on my head for any abnormalities, taking care to touch every single millimeter of scalp. I have incredibly vivid dreams, to the point where sometimes I don't know if I've dreamt something or it's a memory, so it was incredibly scary. I woke up sweaty and panicked.

Anyway, even though I'm pretty positive I will opt out of radiation (at any point), it's still scary and it obviously weighs on my subconscious. It's completely counterproductive that I gorged myself on Halloween candy. I wish I wasn't an emotional eater.