Thursday, January 19, 2017

I Choose To Find Happiness

I've been hiding things from you. 

Bad things. MRI things.

Unfortunately, it appears as if there are three tumors growing now. 

Dan and I have known for a week, but I wasn't ready to vomit this awful news onto you. I realize, because of my own life, that we can only handle so much suffering. We can only handle so much pain, and I never want to be a burden on your soul. That is the last thing I would ever want to give you. Weight.

I only want to fix things, to make people feel better. Even in the grocery store, on the sidewalk, on a phone call with a girlfriend, I look to make someone smile or laugh - to connect. Sometimes it's a challenge, but nothing gives me more satisfaction, than trying to make a situation/attitude better. Not that I'm without mistakes, or poor choices, but I am trying every day to do what I think is right.

It's after midnight, but I can't sleep. I stopped all current treatments because I don't trust or understand what's going on in my body. Treatments can actually initiate tumor growth; there is no easy path. No solid way to address this problem. There are no easy answers. I have not given up hope, I'm just recalibrating. We're hunkering in, planning, looking for educated information, looking to add more professionals to our team.

I have Emma asleep on my legs, and Bing on my chest. I feel connected, three heartbeats. I never REALLY thought this would kill me, or that it would get worse, although it's exactly what the scientific literature has been telling me. I even said to Dan recently, "It's possible that my positive thinking may have been denial." - As these tumor/tumors have been gently penetrating my brain. 

I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, though. Why would I?

Between filling out the tens of pages of patient intake forms for the various new doctor appointments scheduled for next week, I took a 30 min for a bath at noon. I poured a few cups of Epsom salts, dipped a foot, eased, and settled. I found myself lifting my dripping arms from the water (knobby knees sticking out of the shower tub), hot tears running down my face, "Thank you Universe. Thank you God. Thank you for blessing me with so many experiences, for the joy, for the laughter for the connections, for the fresh air, for the EVERYTHING." I added that I am open to all the goodness that the universe brings, and that I am open for healing. That final statement is new. It's a new open door, that I didn't feel worthy of. Why should I be healed when I already have so much? How many gifts does a girl deserve? Surely, I have hit my max already.

I don't know how this world works. I have only my own compass, and my education from others. I am trying to do my best, in the situation I am in. I am laughing with Dan daily. Teasing and connecting with friends deeply. That's life, it's simple, yet profound. It's love. 

I have our sweet animals cuddling me right now, as Dan sleeps in our bed. I can hear his gentle snoring, what a glorious sound! Tonight is a rare occasion, because we always go to bed at the same time, but I fibbed because I needed to cry and I wanted to shelter him. I thank God for the luxury of a guest bed. This beautiful man who gives, and gives, who's love shows zero boundaries. 

I am unwell, but I am not dying. I just need to heal. I will be dead when I'm dead, and I'll deal with it then. For now, I raise my soaking arms to the heavens and give thanks for everything I'm allowed to experience!

Even the shittiest task can be fun. (That was us in the MRI waiting area.)
Choose to be happy, it feels better.

26 comments:

  1. This is so beautifully written. You are such a bright soul. I love your honesty, heart, and humor. ❤️

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  2. Jess, I want to swear every single swear word I know a million times. @#$%^&*((*(_*^%$^$%$#!!!!! That you can share, so positively and eloquently, what you are experiencing is mind boggling to me. I am MAD at the universe for making you and Danny go through this again. But, I will follow your lead and be ever so grateful that you are here and beautiful and radiate light to everyone around you. I love you to the moon and back and will be here for both of you every step of the way. Love you!

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  3. This really knocked the wind outta me. I'm so very sorry. Just shot you a PM now. Choose happiness and to kill this damn thing, once and for all.

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  4. I'm new to your blog and to brain cancer which is affecting someone in my life. I never understood until I was dragged into this war. I so sorry for your results but I hope your options improve with time. I don't know your cancer type but we are fighting anaplastic astrocytoma. It is gone for now but today is our six month MRI after it was first removed. I haven't slept in days worrying about the results.

    I know you've probably had someone point you towards this or told you about this, but I first saw this last fall and then again early this summer. It is a Duke trial where they are modifying the polio virus to fight recurrent GBM patients. Last time I checked, the 60 Minutes videos are still online for viewing. It has shown lots of promise but we don't qualify for it yet. I thought I would mention it in case you haven't seen it or qualify for the trial.

    http://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2016/05/poliovirus-cancer-treatment-by-duke-researchers-receives-breakthrough-status-from-fda

    Wishing you all the best.

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  5. Blessings to you and your wonderful family. You fixed me this morning and brought me out of the doldrums of my uncertainty to a place of gratitude and peace. When we're traveling on the road of "no control" sometimes it is best to have that "30 minute bath at noon" and reflect and relax.

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  6. I admit the tears flowed as I read your Facebook post as it was not the news that any of us wanted! But I have said since day one that I just know that you will beat this!!! I like your Happiness idea because we all need to focus on the happiness AND the Healing! Much Love to you and Dan as you zero in on the perfect treatment!!! Keep us posted ~ Love, "So Cal" Patti

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  7. Brooke Goedecke (Richard)January 19, 2017 at 10:00 AM

    "I am unwell, but I am not dying. I just need to heal."

    Your mindset is beautiful Jess. So so happy to see the positivity and joy you ooze through all this. Happiness is what it's all about and you are one of the most inspiring people I know who live this example.

    Sending rockets of healing and super awesome loving happy vibes your way.

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  8. All I have are tears right now. A heavy and sad heart, yet also a heart so filled with gratitude. I'm so grateful that you are still with us and have been given all these years of experience (even if it hasn't been the experience any of us would willingly choose to have). I'm so grateful for your blog and that you allow us to share in your journey with you. But my heart is so devastated to hear that there is new tumor growth. This hit me like a ton of bricks. "No, it's impossible. Not Jess!" How can life be so beautiful and yet so hard and scary at the same time?! I pray so deeply that you would be healed from all of this. I want Dan to have you by his side forever and ever. Your positive attitude is not keeping FROM the truth....it is keeping you IN the truth. Happiness has a direct influence on our immune system. Keep yours going! We are here with you. Blessings and Love. <3

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  9. I admire your heart so much. You remind me everyday to have gratitude about life no matter what. Your stories are never a burden, they are beautiful. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing.

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  10. Thinking of you & Danny. I have no words other than besides Mia, (wink wink) you are the bravest person I know. This cannot take away your spirit that shines so brightly within you, or your faith. I am lifting you up in prayer to the ultimate physician & healer, just like I do for Mia. You are stronger than you think, and loved beyond you know! ~ Kristi

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  11. Jess, thank you for sharing this. You are worthy of healing and intense LOVE. You're soaking in it. I am here and so are all your peeps, to support you. Love surrounds you. Death doesn't scare me, so we can talk about anything on your mind and heart. ❤Maureen

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  12. Oh sweet, Coconuts (that kinda sounds like a Hannah Montana curse word...) - but seriously, by combining your intent to never burden anyone with additional "weight" with your firm desire to stay open for healing, goodness and love will allow US to share your burden and bombard you with intent for your healing with all the goodness and love in our hearts. May our prayers and focused desires for your well-being uplift you and Dan and that you may feel comfort and peace. I believe the combined spiritual energy directed towards you will strengthen your heart and soul. We're all in for you, dear girl. Much love to you both!

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  13. You are such an inspiration. Sending armloads of healing energy and life affirming love your way.

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  14. Not the news I was hoping and praying for!!! There is always hope! (I tattooed that on my arm as a constant reminder) I know you won't give up hope! You are amazing and always an inspiration, thank you for that. Keep smiling that beautiful smile!!!! Sending you and Dan hugs, love and prayers. <3

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  15. I'm friends with your aunt and have been following your story for years, I truly believe there is healing out there for you and pray for your recovery.

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  16. This post really touched me, and I feel connected to many of your sentiments. So true, you aren't dead you're very much alive ❤

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  17. I'm just a reader with a step-dot having a similar battle and I'm reaching out to say that you are truly amazing and inspiring...and awesome! Happy totally feels so much better than grumpy, I so get that... thank you for shifting the world one step at a time. Sending you love and healing thoughts and lots of good juju! Cate in Marin (just over the GGBridge)

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  19. You have such a beautiful soul and I am praying for you and sending you so much positive and healing energy. Thank you for continuing to share your story and for being an inspiration to all. You are my hero.

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  20. Jess - With all the foolishness, chaos and noise in this world, time and again you show us how to live with astounding beauty. To me, you are a master of authenticity, courage, goodness. Your raw honesty always helps me to follow your lead and live more truthfully, to be as real as I can be. You have influenced me and many others, in so many positive and powerful ways over the years, through your blog, sharing your thoughts, feelings, your search for answers, insights, your epic Love story. You are a gift to so many people, in so many ways, for so many reasons.

    I think you are praying for the right thing, to be open for healing, to be grateful for everything. I love the quote from Meister Erkart; “If the only prayer you say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.” Somehow, being grateful, as we keep learning, evolving, expanding, progressing, discovering, harvesting, transforming, transcending… gratitude transforms hardship and challenge into soul-gold, spiritual evolution, wisdom and peace.

    In my opinion, you will never be dead Jess, none of us will. Someday we’ll all leave our bodies behind, our earth plane shells, but we are all on a spiritual journey and the soul is eternal.

    You are such a phenomenal vessel for Love… delivering, receiving, radiating Love right from your core. I am sending prayers your way for healing of every kind possible, from every source available, from the Divine, from doctors, armies of angels, and from so many who Love you so dearly. May all the Light and delight that you have brought to this world come back and bring you blessings galore. Stay close to those precious pets, they are very good medicine. Love, C.

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  21. I don't like this news one bit, because I truly believe in your optimism, positive attitude and the hard work you and your family put into fighting this you most definitely should be healed. I won't stop believing you CAN and WILL be healed. Much love to you gorgeous.

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  22. You're so beautiful!

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  23. Jess, I´m so sad that you have to deal with such bad news! I just wanted to tell you that I admire your character and strength and I doubt I could be as strong as you in the same situation! Also, have you tried perillyl alcohol? I´m using it and I think it helps! Please, feel free to contact me if you have any doubts about it!

    All the best,

    Matias.

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  24. I will send prayer light ect to you

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