Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Poof.

My friends keep dying.

Smattered between the 50% off holiday spam emails, are updates from caregivers telling me about loss after loss. Then the upside, the lucky ones if you can call us that, they're coming to me with notices of recurrences, and declines, and paralyzations, and sadness. It's surgeries, and radiation, with chemo complaints. It's all heavy. It's always heavy.

So much sadness.

I am not a timely communicator anymore. I've come to dread my phone, and my computer. I hesitate to connect. I'm a conduit for information, this blog, but it's not without an obvious toll.

Thank you for being patient with my lack of responses to emails, to texts, and unfortunately, I don't see an improvement in my behavior, for clear reasons. I don't want to get swallowed by the sadness, so I must protect myself. That means cutting away on many occasions. Or for long periods of time. And it often means everyone, not just cancer related.

I was blindsided by this diagnosis, and have managed because I've methodically taken one step after the other. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just doing the best that I can, in the situation I'm in. I have zero capability to disconnect, or compartmentalize. I just don't have that talent. And for a girl lacking in the department, this muddled, cancer vortex, can completely disintegrate the heart at the soul of the girl.

I want to know what's going on with my friends, I want to fix it all, I want the hurt to go away for everyone. But's not fixable. Not by my hands. So, instead, I grieve like they do, and wish things were different.

Just after Christmas, my longest running brain tumor friend passed away. She and I had the same diagnosis. Even a very similar pathology. The difference? The location of the tumor. I had no idea she was dangerously close to death. And that's what it is in my world. One minute they're here, and the next they're gone. Poof. We're a highly vulnerable bunch.

My friend's lives are sifting through the slats of my fingertips.

I don't write much these days because it would be much the same thing. If I write, I feel, and sometimes, the only thing I want to feel is my love for Dan. And I cling to it tightly. He's my safe place, my lair, my battery charger; my blanket, and my umbrella. He's the halls that reverberate my laughter.

To all of you, to those who will read this, and for those who might not, I love you all. I think about everyone often, I pray for people, and send them love from my heart to theirs. I might not call or text much, or respond even, to your messages, but I love you no less. I'm just doing the best that I can.

So I'll have a good cry for M, and then I will wash my face, put on some layers, and walk that last Christmas gift down to the post office for a tardy mail.

I'm not sure when I'll write again. (Thank you for understanding.)

With love,
Jess

9 comments:

  1. Your strength is admirable Jess- you are a positive beacon and a light to many- and I think I speak for many of your friends when I say, it is okay to retreat, it is okay to protect yourself, and it is okay to just live in the world you have with Dan. Life is so fragile, there is so much hurt and pain and loss, and it is in those times we are truly tested in our faith. You are a fighter honey, this too shall pass.
    In my eyes, the most important thing is that you love and experience YOUR life, right now, so do whatever you need to do in order to get through this and know that everyone is here sending love.

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  2. Peace and love...do whatever you have to do to experience that to the fullest. Live your life exactly the way you want to. It's all any of us have. <3

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  3. Jess please consider my Dr. Praying 🙏🏻 For you! I sent you a message about him & Im sure it's lost in the shuffle.

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  4. &quot;So Cal&quot; PattiDecember 28, 2016 at 5:14 PM

    You are Loved Always no matter whether you write or not! It is an "unspoken beautiful feeling" to know that the love and support is always there for you when you need it! Just keep loving your Man and allowing him to love you, and we your Friends will be here continuing to love and pray for you! I Love You, Jess! "So Cal" Patti

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  5. Coconuts - once again deeply touched by your tender, heartfelt words - lovely, as are you. Saddened to hear of your dear friend, M; I believe she made an enormous impact on those she loved, and who loved her. Gladdened you are acknowledging both heartache and joy in your life, meaning you are a living, caring, beautiful human being. May Dan's arms continue to bring you unconditional, all encompassing love to soothe and strengthen your mind, spirit and heart. Much love to you both,

    Criquette

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  6. Coconuts - I usually let Criquette do all my talking. I struggle with expressing my emotions without sounding blubbery (is that a word?)... where my emotions get the best of me is TRUE gratitude. It sounds wrong... but I am so grateful for who you are, what you do and how you do it. I am grateful for Dan and who he is, what he does and how he does it. No one can delegate influence. And, if your influence makes one person better, it has served a valuable purpose- that is a good thing. If your influence makes someone better than they could have been without you, that is a better thing. And, if your influence lives on to make many people better that is the best thing. Nick taught us that you don't have to be grateful "for" everything... however, he found that he could be grateful "IN" everything. You bring that same message.

    IN Gratitude and IN Love--- THANK YOU.

    WACKY

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  7. Jess have you seen this? Immediately I thought of you! https://www.engadget.com/2017/01/11/genetically-engineered-salmonella-eats-brain-tumors/

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