One Year

At 10:15am one year ago, I received a phone call that would forever change my life. I was driving from my first MRI appointment, headed back to work, when a doctor told me that I had a large brain tumor. She told me they were holding an angio machine for me and I needed to come back to the clinic as soon as possible for immediate testing. They thought I had a cluster of veins - an arteriovenous malformation - within my brain tumor and that I had life threatening brain hemorrhaging. Those were her words.

After accidentally running through an intersection, I proceeded to pull the car to the side of the road. She never asked me what I was doing before blurting out the diagnosis. She did not ask if I was seated or if it was a good time. I didn't cry immediately, instead, I asked her if I was going to die. She said, "We hope not, but you need to get back here as soon as you possibly can."

When I hung up the phone with the doctor, I instantly dialed Danny's number. The second I heard his voice on the other line I lost it. Sobbing, I told him that I have a large brain tumor, and brain hemorrhaging and I reiterated the conversation with the doctor. He told me he'd be there in 2.5 hours, the distance between us. I then called my parents.

My mom answered the phone. I could barely speak. All I could manage was to tell her my location and that I couldn't drive. I heard my mom emphatically yell my father's name. We hung up the phone. As I waited and sobbed, I looked out the windows of my car, somehow noticing that my car was still in drive. I shut the engine off. I was on the side of HWY 97. It was a beautifully crisp day. There were cherry blossoms all around me. All I could think of were the cars passing me on the road. I thought about how no one would know why my particular car would be stopped. People were going about their day, headed to work, taking their kids to gymnastics, and here I was with the worst news I'd ever heard. I didn't know if I was going to live or die.

I will never forget how I felt. I'll never forget having to tell Danny and my parents. I was hysterical. I was absolutely devastated to break the horrible news, I knew that they were all going to be crushed and afraid. I cried for that. I cried for the pain that I knew they would feel. I cried because they're all so wonderful and they didn't deserve this stress, this change, this challenge. As I was waiting for my parents to come help me get back to the hospital, I deeply understood the magnitude of what was happening. I didn't know all of the medical details, or what was to come next, but I understood the severity and at that moment I gained an instant comprehension of the value of life.