Speech therapy, what can I say. I feel kind of crazy. It's been over 7 months since the surgeries, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I wonder if this whole episode is just a dream.
My homework for speech, this past week, had been to write an argument essay. I could choose any topic, sounds great right? However, coming up with something that I care about was absolutely horrible. When I try to find things that I care about (like a stance on a political issue), my thoughts get insanely jumbled and I can't think clearly. My head feels like there's 1,000 people talking, yet I can't make out any words or conversations. It's like there's a ton of white noise or something. All the while, with microscopic little arms, I'm trying to reach through my brain, grasping at concepts that are always floating just out of reach. Quickly, I become confused and frustrated, and I end up saying things like, "Who the bleep even cares about blank or blank. This is stupid." Steller attitude, I know. It's not that I'm lacking passion, it's just that I need facts to justify my opinion and when those don't come easy, and I'm confused about the details, I end up on the fence. I never used to be this way. I could always pull up some sort of supporting point, fact, or detail. I used to love to debate, spar, and have fun getting into discussions. An argument paper would typically be something I would excel at.
I'm frustrated that something that used to come as a simple task has turned into an enormous challenge. I feel like a 30 year old with a nine year old brain (no offense to nine year olds). I never thought I'd have a problem writing an essay. I certainly have no problem narrating my life, but of course, that's a completely different format. I believe that the information is in my head, I just need to figure out how to access it. The trick is going to be not giving up, and also, not berating myself when I get frustrated and cry.
Oh, yes. Those tears are important too. They can only rule you if they stay pent up inside. Mine are beginning to quietly fall, or at least well up, and I'm trying not to hinder them. Just like not holding back the belly laugh that can bubble up sometimes. It's all OK.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your brain could process in your sleep. Like asking a question that you're working on as you drift off, and letting it work in its own, more relaxed, way overnight. Or, you might end up dreaming about it, which could be good or bad, depending on the dream and what it yields. I'm just thinking out loud here.
Or maybe changing where you write - are you working by hand or on the computer? Maybe shifting modalities would help. Sometimes I only know what I think as I try to write it, so I don't start with a specific thought. I just do enough to get it going, and let whatever is in there pour out.
You'll find your way on this too, Jess. I'm sure of it.
Love you,
Dee Dee