Day 3 Water-Only Fast

Oh man, I broke. I cracked. This morning I woke up with such strong hunger pangs that it was almost unbearable. I tried tricking myself with pint after pint of water. I sipped a few herbal teas, and paced around the house. I thought about going for a walk around the lake, but worried I'd get to the other end and run out of energy and become stuck. And it's cold today, and rainy (finally!) so that seemed like a bad idea.

Overnight, my stomach collapsed, and appeared inverted, concave. At least that's how it felt to me. It was very uncomfortable, kinda painful even. I still made it several hours, but finally relented. I grabbed the most gentle option, my trusty new favorite fruit, the papaya.

I only ate half, and discarded the seeds. Figured they would be too hard on the stomach. You can eat those gorgeous blackish green seeds. They taste like a combo of cracked black pepper and mustard. They're a fabulous anti-parasite food. You can toss them into salads (yum!) or add them to smoothies to clean your system, it's pretty neat. I love using unique foods for health. I figure there's so much that we don't know about the benefits of various food parts, but I'll bet there's a lot of healthy synergistic properties.

So, technically, I failed. I missed my goal by 10 hours. I ended up on my water-only fast for 62 hours. It's definitely the longest I have ever fasted, so I still feel accomplished. My plan is to remain on the fast to the duration, having only broken with that (delicious) half of a papaya. And man, I do feel better after having eaten a little. I imagine that the shorter than anticipated fast was still cleaning out some of my damaged cells, and probably stimulated my immune system to some degree.

From all of my reading around the interwebs, so many people said that when they broke their fasts they had no desire for junky food. That's how I felt yesterday, but man, I sent Dan a text a little bit ago and told him I could eat everything at PCC and then finish it off with a case of movie theater boxes of candy. Even if it was Good n Plenty which are categorically disgusting. So much for this changing my tastebuds, or squelching cravings. Oh well. Guess I still have to rely on self control. Less fun.

A couple of friends, during this experience, voiced concerns about the fast. A couple (remind me to send them Christmas gifts) worried that I'm too thin for a water-only fast (might be the first time I've ever heard such a thing about my body). Anyhoo, I am definitely not too thin. And to prove it I will share my stats.

Age: 33
Height: 5'7 (technically 5'6 3/4)
Weight: 140
BMI: 22
Body Fat: 28% [I still think the guy at the gym over-pinched with the calipers...:)]

So, according to the charts, I am literally dead center in the normal range. Healthy. I think that, perhaps, with the expanding waistbands of our culture - and the world - we have a skewed perspective of normal. I take it as a huge complement that some of my friends think I look "skinny" but ultimately, the optimum stat that I need to achieve is a body fat of 22%. A 6% drop. That's what I'm working toward. Body fat not only holds energy for cancer growth/tumor growth, but also toxins are stored in your body fat. Clearly, you don't want to waste away, you don't want to drop into an unhealthy range, but according to theorists, there is an optimal range for fighting cancer and they purport the 22%.

If you don't have much excess, it allows your body to focus on keeping your immune system strong. Your body can then clean out damaged cells, and keep things running smoothly. There's even research out there that people who live slightly underweight, have a lower incidence of cancer (lucky dogs). So, I'm trying to be healthy, to turn my body into a cancer fighting machine, to give her the most optimum chance to clean out tumor cells, to remove her tumor snacks. A side effect may be looking better, but that's just a byproduct. This is not driven by looks. I already feel good in my skin. More so than ever in my life I am confident. Probably since I have a different view on life since diagnosis. But I do acknowledge that I probably have a good ten pounds of pure fat that's visible on my body. I could lose that and still look really normal. I just need to curb my enjoyment of gorging on delectables. I don't know how I will ever kick my inner monologue that if one cookie is delicious, 10 is better. I feel like I was born that way.

I tried going raw vegan for two weeks and it made me feel awful. So I know that RV is not the lifestyle for me. I have a pretty good idea about what to do, and how I will be successful. It has to do with lots of veggies, and an egg here or there, and some nuts from time to time, and bits of fruit, but mostly it's about a caloric cutback. There will days that I don't restrict calories, perhaps for a hard workout day, or for someone's birthday celebration (like my own in August). It has taken me so long to figure out this whole diet thing, and laughably, I'm still living fluid with my beliefs. But it seems to be getting a little easier with the mantra of cutting calories, cutting portions, and eating clean, whole natural foods. It's all common sense stuff. You'd think I would have figured it all out a lot sooner, but I had to try several various cancer fad diets, hoping for a cure. Now I'm a little more reasonable. Hopefully this one works.

On The Up & Up

Things are getting better, I just have to get out of my head. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The seizure issue, for me personally, is a mind game. I can easily work myself up into a very fearful state, or I can calmly remind myself that I'm doing fine, that I'm just overheated, maybe it's very sunny, that my heart rate is up because of the conditions, not because I'm about to have a seizure.

I'm getting to the point where I feel "normal" and much more strong physically, and mentally. I still have fear, but Dan and I have been working on pushing my limits. I went for a walk with my friend Lauren the other day, Dan and I made it to PCC and Home Depot (both driving), and Dan and I have even gone running a couple of times. It might sound silly, but each time I'm out of the house is a major success. I'm excited to try and get out of the house on my own. I bet the first time I do anything will be a run around the neighborhood. So far, running has been my rock. It removes anxiety, gives me strength physically, and emotionally. It puts me back to my roots, grounds me, and empowers me. The florescent lights of the real world, the sirens and traffic, all give me (and probably a lot of people) anxiety, but when I'm out breathing fresh air, eying the various plants, birds, random pets, and vibrant people out there, I always end up smiling and feeling human, alive, happy, and grateful. I should clarify, normally, when I don't have seizure activity I am absolutely fine with sounds, bright lights, hectic situations or life in general, but when I'm on overload I have to be really careful.

Thank you for your patience as I've been horrible about emailing people back, and posting on the blog. I've definitely had a lot on my mind, not just with the attack, the landlords, and seizure stuff, I'm also incredibly nervous about the future brain surgery. The first brain surgery was not an option so I felt like I could just accept my fate, and release all (or most) of my fear. This time, this brain surgery, is optional. That is intense! What if something goes horribly wrong? It would be my fault for subjecting myself. Dan emailed Dr. Liau to see if she would prefer that I get on anti-seizure medicine for the surgery. I hated taking it last year, but if it will eliminate a complication, I will do it. I will do anything in my power to eliminate all complications. I want to get in tip-top shape, create a cancer fighting, surgery healing machine. My goal is to be running 3-4 days a week, weight lifting 2-3 days a week, and doing yoga 2-3 times a week for at least a month before surgery. It might sound excessive, but I'm not as intense in the workouts as you might imagine :) It's mostly a stress reliever, and the more you work out the more fun food you can eat :)

I've added delicious food to our diet, lots of legumes, whole grains and of course the usual veggies and lean meats. The difference, is that I'm playing around with new recipes. Tomorrow night I'm making a spinach burrito. It includes sauteed spinach, onion, and bell pepper then of course, a mix between black and pinto beans (seasoned with hot sauce), then long grain black rice (seasoned with cumin & a little turmeric), with chopped green onions, chopped romaine lettuce, and shredded sheep cheese - you wrap it all up in a whole grain tortilla and it's DELICIOUS. And it's much more fun than the typical salad and steamed/grilled veggies that I usually make us. With all of the stress in our lives right now, I'm enjoying the relaxation of food rules. Life, literally, is too short to get crazy about maximizing the nutrient content. Keeping everything in the whole foods, or whole ingredient, category is good enough for me these days. So what if a whole grain tortilla is technically processed. I'm over it. It's still whole grain (of course, you still have to read the ingredients to make sure there's nothing funky), sprouted spelt tortillas are my fav. Some may disagree, but I do believe that there are some processed foods that aren't that bad for you.

Photo of the day taken last Friday...I have a new buddy, and I keep feeding him which is strengthening our bond....

Fun New Recipes

I am having so much fun on this diet! Instead of looking at all of the things I can't eat, I started looking at all of the ingredients I CAN eat. At first it was tricky finding recipes, but then everything changed, I started looking at food logically. Since I'm eating a whole foods diet, the most logical spot to look for recipes is raw food diet websites - the whole raw food movement is based on using whole foods. Anyway, I can take the raw recipes and tweak them, like heat the chili recipe below, or add brown rice to my pseudo sushi. Here's two very fun dinners that both Danny and I loved. Even my friend Jenny loved it (she came from Wenatchee to spend the night and catch up).

Bad lighting but delicious chili

Vegetable Chili

Chili:
3 tomatoes
1 green pepper
1/2 of a purple onion
4 large cloves of garlic
1 cup of shiitake mushrooms (remove the stems)
3 stalks of celery
1 tablespoon cumin
1 tablespoon of oregano
2 teaspoons of hot red pepper powder (I used cayenne pepper powder)

Topping:
1 cup raw unsalted walnuts
1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon of coriander powder
a good pinch of sea salt

Dice all of the chili vegetables (except for the garlic - mince that) and put them in a bowl. Add the seasoning and mix it all together. Take half of the mixture and put it in a food processor or a blender. Blend it all up until it's smooth. Pour the blended mixture and the chopped stuff into a pot, stir and turn the burner on to medium low.

While the chili is warming, put the walnuts into the food processor or blender. Blend until until they're mostly chopped. Toss in the seasoning and olive oil. Blend just a bit more so that the walnuts are coated with the seasoning.

Check the chili and make sure it's hot enough. Dish the chili, then add a large spoonful of the walnut topping.

Sushi

Ingredients:
nori seaweed sheets (I used roasted)
1/2 cup julienne red bell pepper
1/2 cup julienne purple cabbage
pickled ginger

Avocado filling:
1 avocado
2 large garlic cloves - minced
1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper powder

Brown rice filling:
1 cup of raw brown rice
2 cups of water
1 tablespoon of ginger powder
1/4 cup of sesame seeds
1 teaspoon of sesame oil
2 large garlic cloves - minced

Start by mixing all of the brown rice filling ingredients in a pot on the stove. Turn the burner on hot. When it starts boiling, turn the pot down to low, or medium low, just low enough so that the water is simmering and put a lid on it. It should be done in about 50 minutes. When the rice is done, let it sit for about 10 minutes to cool.

In the meantime, julienne the veggies, and find your sushi mat (if you don't have one, you can still make this recipe but you'll have to be gentle with the rolling).

Grab the avocado filling ingredients and start by mushing the avocado in a bowl. Mush it until it's creamy, then add the minced garlic and the cayenne pepper powder. You can add a pinch of sea salt if you'd like, but I don't think it really needs it. Stir it in nice and evenly.

Once the rice is cool, start by grabbing one nori sheet. Scoop rice into the center of the sheet and spread it out to either side of it, leaving the top and bottom bare (if this isn't making sense, I recommend googling "how to make your own sushi" there are a billion photos out there). Anyway, lay out the veggies in a row in the center, from side to side, and spread the avocado mix on top of that. Sprinkle the pickled ginger along the avocado. Then, start at the bottom (where there should be no rice), and start rolling toward the top, you will roll over the center, and keep rolling until you get to the top where, again there shouldn't be any rice. Get the very end of the nori a little wet, you can lick the entire end of the sheet, or get your finger wet from the faucet, then roll completely. The nori will bind to the other nori during the rolling process. Grab a very sharp knife (I chose a serrated bread knife), and cut your roll into little sushies. You're done! Yum!

Optional: I grabbed wasabi powder, soy sauce, and created a spicy mixture for dipping. It was a huge hit! Both Danny and Jenny said it was delicious. At least, they did when they were done blowing their noses :)

Pretty fun to be two-for-two on the recipes!

Sorry if the sushi instructions are confusing. It's so hard to explain. Anyway, if you're going to try it out, maybe check out some goggle images so that it all makes sense.

Enjoy!

Evolution Of My Brain Tumor Diet

I have to clear things up...it's going to be a little bit of a tangent, but hang with me.

From the beginning of this diagnosis I have been searching, step by step, to overcome each obstacle. Once I realized, through research, that diet was linked to cancer (duh, how did I not see that), I started changing my eating habits. I reviewed the nutritional information on all of the packages in my life and started kicking out high fructose corn syrup. I stopped drinking diet pop, all energy drinks, and things with obvious chemicals.

Then, I found the articles about the Restricted Keto Cal diet slowing the growth of brain tumors and I learned about the restriction of carbohydrates (all types simple and complex). But the truth is that I can't sustain an extremely low carb diet. When I tried, I found myself clipping right along carbohydrate free, then I would attend a big party with friends and I'd be the girl taking a bite of all of the cupcakes. Every single one. You laugh, but that honestly happened. In my defense, everyone had eaten at least one (I think).

So, between my April MRI and my seizure (which occurred just before my scheduled June 19 MRI) I had quit on my diet. I gave the diet about 50% of my effort. I've never been one to eat fast food, I don't like chips very much, I love vegetables and healthy food, but I also adore artisan bread and glorious handcrafted cheeses. I cherish homemade sweets, honestly, I love them all, lemony, chewy, chocolaty, nutty, I'll take one of each if someone's offering. I took the time between MRIs to celebrate a freedom from my knowledge of food. I ran as much as I wanted, I ate as much as I needed to run successfully, at one point accomplishing over a 10 mile run with an 8ish minute mile. It was beautiful and I felt safe in my choices. I ate ice cream and didn't feel bad. I drank delicious local red wine, I laughed with friends, and felt like a completely normal 30 year old woman.

That all changed when we received the MRI scans at the radiation oncologist's office. I sincerely believed I wouldn't have tumor growth for years. I had decided that I would probably have at least 3-4 years before we would see that lousy white mass growing. I don't know how I picked those numbers, I guess I was just feeling so great. I was drunk with power over my future.

When I saw the MRI scans it was literally a stinging slap to my face. I can still feel it, the pain is continuously palpable. I won't let it defeat me, but it sure as hell makes it easier to be healthy. From the moment of the MRI I went on a logic kick. My body tells me that it wants whole foods. It wants veggies, lots of them, all colors all sizes, the weirder the better. My body wants fun fruits like deep purple berries and apples, it wants watermelon and cantaloupe, tropical fruits too but that's not Wenatchee's thing. My crazy little body wants salmon and chicken and sometimes steak. I'm not eating bread, but my body has definitely mentioned an IPA. Weird. As a treat at a friend's house, instead of biting off all the cupcakes (one more point, they were all organic ingredient cupcakes made from scratch...ok, I'm rationalizing), my goal is to eat some cheese or have a glass or two of wine. I'm too scared to do the measly 50%, I have to do at least 90%. This transition is still hard, even though I've had the fear slapped into me. In fact, I can not have anything off my diet in the house. I can't say 'no' to myself. Zero self control. It helps that I can't drive and I've cut my social engagements by at least 75%. As an odd note, I've already lost 8lbs and I'm eating more than ever. I hadn't seen 146 in awhile.

Thanks to everyone around me. It's nice to have people that are passionate to help me succeed. My family and friends help provide fantastic foods when I get the chance to visit. If I can slow this tumor down by eating specific foods, I would love to sass my family and friends for decades to come! I'm sure I'll botch my diet a few times before the next MRI, but my goal is to surprise the doctors and have them looking in awe at a shrinking tumor. I've heard crazy stories about such things, but I also know that if there was a cure all that would shrink brain tumors, all of us patients would mortgage everything in reach to get it. As far as I've seen, there is no easy answer. It's food, it's exercise, it's genes and it's crazy stuff like cell phones (?), and not in that particular order. Who knows. For now, I'll listen to my body and see what happens. Cheers to sassing you all for decades to come!