We Are Not Stuck

Sometimes I wonder why my lift continues to be so magical. I am so full of happiness? Why do I get to feel this way? How us it possible to me this happy? Shouldnt I be scared? Or angers?

During the lead up in LA, presurgert, I was waiting for a doctor, and while sitting in a room, I heard gurgoral sobbing, then wretch screams that could not be calmed. After a few minutes I got up, and walked over to the nurse to see if there was anything I could do. 

I was gently told that a patient had been notified of a tumor recurrence. I asked she was going to be okay, if she needed help, and the nurse reassured me that she went back and hugered her and she was with our doctor. I thanked her for sharing that hug, and hugged her too. Life is a circle of comcassion, and sometimes that's all you can do.

By the time the doctor got her settled, the office was running falf an hour late, and my rushed physician, mussled in worried I word be mad at him. I let out a laugh so loud that I even stunned myself. 

I shrinked and said, "Hey, that's life!"

We got settled it, and we got to checking in. We had never met as it was he was there to assess the safty of my surgery. To see my risks, and conduct extra blood work - things like that. 

As we reviewed my years of surgeries, the lenthly treatments, and touched on my scheduled brain surgery, only a day or some away, he stopped me and asked in awe, how I can handle this with smiles and laughter. He said wants to research people like me to learn and figure out more so help for other patients. He is aways fascinated by the differet perspectives of people, and how they analyze there situations. I told him I feel the same too! It's wild, really, wow different people see things.

He ashed it he could me some pointed questions about my attitude, and I askered him best I could. I told hi am in absoute awe that I get to be alive. And that means all of it - not just the good stuff. I choose to be happy. Because it really is a decision. I am easy to laugh, because it makes me feel good. I work hard to give people grace. And I'm easy distracted. I love making people laugh, and smile. Those two tings are my favorite things to give. And that I try to limit negativity.

I was very clear that I'm no master, but these are my goals. This is how I try to life my life. And damn if it isn't fun! 

 

World is a very special place, full of choices. Don't like your attitude? Change it. Don't like how that person treats you? Stop spending so much time with them. Feel scared? Start saying aloud, everything you're grateful for. Feeling down? Pick people that lift you up! 

I probably sound simpistic, but you just start little by little. And it requires analyzing your environment, your feelings. We are not stuck, unless we chose to be. 

I choose to be happy, and I do it because it is saving my life. That might sound confusing, but regardless of my cancer, I feel deep joy in my soul, and THAT is what I mean about healing. I can feel healed every day, in my own attiute. It's viseral, palpable, it is with intention and it's my choice.

We are alive as much we want to be. We are present as we want to be.

Rad Apt

Its some time past three am. The world peppered with dozer eager crickets gently gossiping.

We met with a raduatiopn oncolocgest yesterdar, and have been digestinging her opinion everever sence.

I opted away from radiation atleast 3 times onthis these 7 years. I am aware there are risked. I'm aware of possible humatiotations, of secondary melyglancies. If short and long term effects.   

The radiatiotion oncology doctor was a gem, though. A werd way to describe her, I'm sure, but what a wonderful woman. She was the perfect combo of information, science, reality, humor, humility, and respect.  

She feel strong that that we need to act on now while tumor murdan is low - from the surgery. The trick there is still no baruntee that it would sow tumor growth, and there will be now side effects, and later effects, and it not possible to say how severe the damage would be. Her argeue is that our tumors clearly keep protesting, aways grow back so we need to act. For me, I don't string those that too clothether. Radiation not a simple choice, nor the only, or even the most promesting.

I hear what she is saying, and I'm not ruling out, but we are meeting with our oncolog Friday, and will discuss chemo, some possible medical deivises, off-label drugs and lord only what. Maybe we would do all. Maybe we will do none. Most likely combo. 

I no idea what we will decide, but I'm in no rush. I have minimal stress about treatment. I feel in my soul a depth that I can't explain. I'm living my live with no regrets, analyzing my options, listening to my inner voice. This is my rescission to make. I can't phone this in, or copy some else's notes. I need to look at all my options, even outlandish ones, longshots, exporemtal ideas, and of corse revisit the convential combos. The answers will come, I know, so there is no need to be scared, or stress. I feel free, and content. I am alive in this moment, so I soak up each moment. 

I am still mimin 3 hour of pills, but I snooze day and night, sneaking whenever I can. I relish when I awake and I relish my naps. I love it all. That helps it when I find myself tapping away, sharing with you how I feel, analyzing my life and where I want do.

It's wild to live in a moment, or environment, where I not competely capable of major decisions, yet I have to push thro. I am heal daily, but I don't trust my mind. Thank god for Dan yet again. We discuss, he explains, we discuss, I nap, then we try again. A lot in invain. I will make dense agang, and with his patience, I feel calm, and safe. The harder this is, the more he steps up.

I wish didn't have to ask to ask him of this mich, but he never companes. He's full of graces, and compasson. The reality of what we go throug is often indescribable, but his love is never escaping me. I don't have a lot that I can take of, I need to relian dan, but I can live him grace, gratitude, smiles, and laughter. And gratefuly he is trilled with these small gifts. 

Jess Offcial Post

It's jess nere, and I am so happy to try my first post I am pecking away left finger, my right sisde is no good. My whol right body is messed up, to the pont thap oor Dan must take care of my potty. And all needs do most all. We just laught, these days, and I smile in haditude. 

Dan approved ny plan for a new post so that I could connect. Ok I need to rest, and I do, but I am a connecter. I ty to try with friends but not allmakes sensebse, I'm hoping you will understand me, and we can hulp me grow and love and live. Becasuse your comments make me feel so loved, soroted, and cared for. You encourage me, and espires me.

Just right now I ecstatic to be trying this right now!

I feel my brain grow, my soul expand. In ripe now I hear a deecate owl, so gentle, just a house rear.

I have so many insighteests, so many feelings. I feel rure joy and raditude, every second. I laugh nobsop, and oooo at my husband, ahat he has no lomit on what he will do for me. And my love and respect to him shaters expectations. I never krew I could love him more, bit I can, and I am now. 

Dan makes me feel powerful, capable, funny, sexy - and ge sill has to hive me sasppotores, for consetation, so this no small feat.  

I thank god ever moment for each moment, I scuggle softly bed, and coress his mack while he purrs med app benween meds. Be probably doesnt even know as he is easy to snooze cause he's fitred.     

Im dedicated to his happiest life. I live to make him smile, and feel my love. This time together is a dream, and gift, and is completely evolve our bond. We are our own habitat, our own rare species. 

We don't yet biw the treatment reatment, or all the things to expect - my status, what my life will look, but I have dan with me, and for now, that's all I need to know. We always choose happy, even when life is scary and uncertain. All life is unsertan, it's a so fang fun. We choose joy. And gratitude. And laughter.

I share in the blog because I can, because it's real. I don't know this is why is nine to live, but it's beautiful, and I am so happy to ne here! 

Tens of times a day I choose choices to cloose happy or be cranky. Or be sad, or bitter or elated. By I see no joy in being wasting time. Even in sadness. Sometimes I have to stop and say to dan sorry for being short, when trying to do small things I used to able to do.  And he smiles, and he hugs me, and we kiss. Life really is basic. We try to give grace, hug, thank all the time, no thing is too small. This journey is clearly dufty, but I love it too. The challenge, the exploration, and the beauty. 

I am so happy to be here on Earth. Thank for helping me facilitate this dream, of life. I am loving you.