Surprise Wedding

I can't believe we pulled this off!! We just threw a "Surprise Wedding" for the most amazing and deserving couple. #tears #bucketlist #mylastdays2 #braincancer #livelikeyouredying #ittakesavilage (literally)

A photo posted by Justin Baldoni (@justinbaldoni) on Aug 15, 2015 at 5:48pm PDT

So Justin Baldoni, and Wayfarer Entertainment just helped me surprise Danny, and my family with a wedding. Everyone thought they were coming for my 35th birthday party, but when they arrived the film crew informed them to please take a seat for our wedding. It's a very long story and it has been incredibly hard for me to keep the secret. It was absolutely unbelievable with all kinds of surprises. Our episode won't air until January or so, and I don't know how much I can divulge, but in the meantime let me just give a few teasers: personalized message and invitation from Pete Carroll (PETE CARROLL!!!!), a gifted Nicole Miller dress from the upcoming 2016 line along with a hand written note, video messages, Vinny's catering, gorgeous flowers, Archie Brooks officiating. Dan and I have been legally married for awhile now but it has been impossible to do a wedding because of our financial responsibilities due to my ongoing medical treatments. The wedding was incredibly small, and I wished I could invite everyone, but Wayfarer hosted it (along with some amazing islanders donating various aspects). It was not our money, so I was just grateful for the opportunity. When people give you gifts you just say thank you, you don't ask to see if you can invite more. It was such a gift, and a beautiful dream that we had always wished for. There were beautiful toasts. There were songs sung, dancing, a little rapping, beautiful toasts, it was hilarious and heartfelt. I can't believe I was able to surprise my parents, Danny, Linda, and all of our guests. It was the most fantastic day!!

The love I have for Danny is the most special thing in my life. I can't wait for the television show to air so that people can celebrate in our love too. They took hours and hours and hours of footage, and I hope I get to see a copy of people's interviews and responses. The whole point of us sharing our story is so that other people can learn from our experience with cancer, that it could help people. 

The crew was absolutely amazing, wonderfully kind. They are kind souls with huge hearts. It was an honor to be chosen for this docu-series, and I hope it really helps people. Wayfarer Entertainment gave me the beautiful wedding, but what was even better is that they helped me keep it a secret to surprise Danny and our parents, and all of our friends. That was a gift that I got to give them. Danny was over the moon, along with our friends and family. It was the most heartfelt evening I've ever experienced. 

And the biggest thanks is to Libbey & Nige for letting us commandeer their new house which they have lived in for only two weeks. Talk about great friends! That was probably the most magical part of the entire day, that we are so loved by our friends. We are the luckiest people on earth to have such generosity and kindness. I'm still reeling from all of the excitement. In fact, it should be sung from the mountain tops how amazing Becki Day is. She is a complete rockstar wedding planner, problem solver, and connector of people. Without Becki Day navigating this event, it absolutely wouldn't have happened. Who in the world plans a wedding in Friday Harbor in early August, the busiest wedding time of the season, in only two weeks?!?! Two weeks! And it was stunning and seamless. I can't say enough about her work ethic and attention to detail. What a treat for us!!  

I'll be sleeping until Wednesday so that I can manage my flight to NYC for my immunotherapy. I'm exhausted. In fact I don't even have a voice, I literally lost it. Hopefully I can rest up and start feeling better within 72 hours. Talking in interviews, emoting and going all the way back to the beginning of this journey to review our trials, was exhausting. 

Okay time to sleep. Love and thanks to all. And I'm so sorry that we couldn't invite everyone. It hurts my heart that we had to keep it small, but sometimes that's the only option when you have such a huge network of friends, and supporters. 

A Film Crew?

Hey Guys! Thank you for all of the birthday comments, texts, and emails, and phone calls, and Facebook messages! You guys all make me feel deeply loved.

On my birthday Dan surprised me by taking me on a bike ride along the Burke Gilman, which I have run but never rode. Riding bikes on the BG is awesome! I's mostly flat and you can literally ride for miles and miles. It's stunning.

But that's not even the biggest news. One part of the big news is that I am flying back to New York next week, the 19th, for an attempt at another immunotherapy shot. It should be fine though, I'm expecting smooth sailing so to speak. 

The next part is that in 24 hours or so, SoulPancake a media/production company ("We create stuff that matters. That opens your heart. That makes you think. Our mission is to help you and your audience figure out what it means to be human and feel damn good doing it. Our brain batter of art, culture, science, philosophy, spirituality, and humor is designed to get people talking, sharing, and engaging with this crazy, exciting, creative journey that is life."), along with WayFarer Entertainment, is sending out a crew to film Danny and I for an episode of a series about people who get diagnosed with cancer. It's kinda crazy, and a huge honor to get to share what we've gone through, and share how we live our lives. My hope is that we can make others feel more comfortable about what they're going through, or have experienced. And that goes for people who have been diagnosed with cancer, and those who haven't. 

We all have hard things that pop up in life, and personal stories always help me, so I'm hoping to inspire others and put them at ease. People often ask me how I've been able to do what I've done (defy odds, find new opportunities health wise to live longer, relearn talking, reading, and moving my body) and all I can think of is how important it has been to be stubborn/strong willed, curious, passionate, easily inspired, and easy to laugh. That combo has been a saving grace. I always say this because there are no guarantees, but this type of cancer, the infiltrating astrocytoma is invasive and virtually impossible to survive solely by conventional methods. And since I'm not as hard core as I once was, there is always the possibility that the cancer is growing inside me. It's a very real, very scary reality. But if I just panic and miss the beauty in life, constantly living in complete fear, then what was the point in life? What was the point of me being on Earth? So I try to keep things in perspective. I try to maintain a balance between enjoying life and maintaining my health; constantly oscillating between two worlds. Sometimes they overlap, but often times it is an exercise in control and depravation. 

I'm nervous for the film crew, but also excited. It's very surreal, and terrifying letting people come into your life, your home, to see exactly who you are, your mannerisms, your quirks. Clearly I've been doing it for awhile, but it's different when I'm doing the blog. With the blog, I have complete control over editing on what I choose to share in my life. In this situation, I don't. I'm also not a fan of watching myself on video (hence the lack of video blogs). I'm an emoter, a sharer, an open book, but I tend to express myself verbally with the written word. I keep reminding myself that this is only through Sunday, and after that it will all be over. So I need to be in the moment, and have fun and enjoy the oddity that will be getting filmed. I will blink and it will be over. But what will last will the memories, and the documentation of when the show airs. That will be a beautiful treasure.

Heaven on Earth

I am embarrassed and relieved to report that my headaches were linked to a hormonal influx. I've never had that happen, I've never had such a horrible response to the female way. I don't know if it's because I'm nearing the end of my fertility (more or less) - or at least the norm of fertility. 

This Thursday I will be 35. 

This Thursday I will have outlived several of my various doctor's expectations on my lifespan. In fack, back in 2011 insurance tried to push me into hospice. According to their calculations I didn't have long to live. 

I've come such a long way, learning how to read and write and walk then run. 

I have enjoyed every single day. It never mattered if I was in a hospital bed, incapacitated in my own bed, or just the daily grind of trying to survive and enjoy life. I feel so grateful to be here. I am overjoyed every day that I wake up. I love life so much that it's hard for me to sleep, I want to soak it up. 

This is not the life that I thought I would live. I never thought I would get diagnosed with cancer at the age of 29, and I never thought - after everything we've gone through - that I would be this capable, and healthy, and happy at 35.  As you guys know, these tumors are aggressive and invasive, and I never know if they'll be back, but good God I cherish this life. Every. Single. Moment. Which is why those debilitating headaches were so terrifying. Everyone has their own views on faith, and God, and afterlife, and truthfully, my views evolve and flux. I have no idea what comes next, but my soul tells me that I'm already living in heaven. That I am living in heaven on Earth. I have Angels surrounding me and loving me, and it's you. It's my friends, and my family, and those who love me. So when I get scared about more surgeries, more treatments, more progression, I will remind myself that I am not alone.