Survivor Problems

Oh you guys it's so weird. There is this thing that I am realizing that many cancer patients go through. They have aggressive bouts of exhaustion, then they get depressed that they're not out doing things, not conquering the world. One of my beautiful camp buddies posted a dark photo of herself in the cavern of her bed. Her hair was mussed, her face pained. She was berating herself because she isn't as productive, and accomplishing as she was precancer, prediagnosis. Now this badass girl, I am not exaggerating, has had more cancers/medical issues, more surgeries/treatments/etc. than most humans will in their lifetime. The girl has been pin-cushioned, poisoned in the name of survival. She is a force, one of the largest personalities I know. I remember just watching her emitting her fearless vibes, her mastery of the rocks, the confidence in her soul, and when I saw her recent Instagram, my heart ripped for her. It still brings swells to my eyes. I had no idea how much this overwhelming exhaustion, and self doubt permeates the cancer world. It seems crazy when I look her, so obvious that she's being too hard on herself, but also I can relate perfectly. It's something I live everyday. It's so frustrating for us. And it's impossible to explain because we don't understand it either. We can't understand why our bodies and minds won't just do what we want. Is it all the cutting? The toxins, and foreign substances that have cursed through our veins? We don't know, but instead of just being patient with our bodies and our situations, we get sick of it. We get sick of being sidelined, sick of not being able to be the person we want to be, the person we once were, the person we should have been before everything changed, before it was taken away. I realize, conceptually, that I may never have the same energy, that I may be riddled with bouts of bedridden exhaustion, almost a depression or sadness, but I can't stop hoping that it will get better, that one day I will wake up and realize that I'm healed. That I'm back for good. Completely. Until then, I hope and pray that it gets better, because I know we're never going to give up and just allow ourselves to be ruined by this.

Know My Limits

You guys are so patient with me. Thank you so much! 

I hung out with a buddy this morning, and it was so refreshing! And fulfilling. There are people that just get you, that make you laugh, and understand your trials, and it's priceless. With her help, I am coming to the realization that if I take care of myself (just like you guys said - you are so smart!), I won't get worn down. That if I don't take time out each day, I will drown. That this life alone is a lot, tack on a brain tumor trial, then tack on putting your story out there online, then tack on helping people that come to you for advice, then helping others research their cancers. It's taxing, but no one is trying to tax me, it's me putting it on myself. It is my responsibility to know my limits, it's my responsibility to express that, and let others know if I'm overwhelmed. People aren't mind readers. Next time, my goal is to not get this worn down, to not let it get to this point. 

It was hard to get out for a walk today, it had been weeks, but I reminded myself that I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Little by little, before I knew it, I was walking out the door. And it's all part of taking care of myself. I had been treating exercise/meditation like a luxury, not a necessity. This is my health, it has to be a priority. (Say and repeat and maybe it'll sink in.)

Thanks again guys, I really appreciate your insight, and kindness. I can't imagine what my life would be like without all of your love, and friendship. 

What's good for me is good for whomever is around me, didn't you guys say that?