Don't Fear The Lemons

I've been resting, and trying to crazily distract myself from the MRI on Saturday at the same time. I am a living contradiction. How human of me.

I feel calmer than normal about this MRI. I'm not feeling more confident, I just feel like I don't know what life is going to bring me. My fate. So many people have come before me, fighting cancers and illnesses, and sometimes they win, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the people who survive aren't the ones you'd expect. I can work as diligently as possible, exhausting as many treatments as I can afford, and that is literally all I can do. And you know what, I may find that nothing will stop this monster in my brain. Or, randomly, one of these scans we will realize that he has not been growing and that all of my very hard work has been panning out.

In the meantime, I have been having so much fun. Not like I've been out doing crazy activities, but I have been really enjoying each moment. I've been driving more; I've expanded my radius to approximately 5 miles from our home. I feel free, and happy, and calm when I drive. I don't talk on my phone, or check text messages. I keep the radio on low, the vents are on low. I avoid high traffic times of the day, and I use back roads. If the posted speed limit is 35 mph, I'm plugging along at 30-33 mph. That reminds me, next time there's a slowpoke in front of you, please think of people like me. I pull over when there's someone behind me, because I'm cognizant of what it's like to be stuck behind a Sunday driver, but there are those that are scared, and just need to keep moving forward. Ignore me if I sound preachy, I was just trying to provide a different inner monologue for your next trip stuck behind a slug.

Today, I drove myself to the gym then headed all the way to Sky Nursery. I have been wanting a citrus plant for a few years, but I didn't want to spend the money. Since Dan worked so hard last weekend, clocking a good 24 hours, he said I could treat myself. Isn't he sweet?! So, he's still at work, but I can't wait to introduce him to our newest addition.....

I've been joking with a couple of friends, sending photos of our new family member, that when life gives you lemons, go out and grow your own because clearly, you are meant to have lemons. I'm not afraid lemons, or the connotation. I don't invite negativity or hardships, but I've learned that things are only as powerful as I allow them to be. And each time I look at this little guy, it makes me feel accomplished, proud of myself; I feel fearless, and grateful. It reminds me of all of the hard work I've done, the times when I had no hair, when I had trouble walking, and running, and speaking, and reading. Lemons are nothing to fear because I am resilient. I don't know what my role on this Earth is. I don't know if I'll be able to stop Hermie from growing. I don't know what happens when people die. Clearly, I don't know much about a lot of things, but one thing that I do know is that I am eternally happy with my life. And I'm grateful for the joys of this world.

It's Deep, Not Dark

Operation MRI distraction is exhausting! 

This morning I drove to the gym only to get bored within 30 minutes of my interval run. I headed home, and since the fog had melted into sunshine, I snagged a hat and decided to detail my car. Halfway into it I stopped for pills and venom, then continued through the final hour and a half. 

When Rosemary was gleaming like new, I grabbed my garden tools, stretched on my pink garden gloves, and got to weeding. I transplanted, I trimmed, I started digging a hole to China, which made me wonder, do they say they're digging to America? As I'm sure you guessed, I'm not actually digging to China, just trying to transplant a massive dinosaur plant. With Dan working 12 hours today, and tomorrow, I have to be my own muscle maker. 

What makes me nervous is how sore I am, and it isn't even the 'next day' yet. People are always obsessed with the next day pain, but there's something about immediate pain too. That immediate stuff shouldn't be discounted.

When the sun was setting and Emma and my digits were numb, we moved back inside to clean. Then, of course, as with the episode of exercise, I lost interest and settled into the couch for a Netflix streaming movie. Somehow a documentary on the afterlife drew me in. Probably because I can't get away with death subjects with Dan. I'm curious about the concept of an afterlife, of religions, and theories; I don't find it macabre or dark, just fascinating. Not true for Dan, and I respect him, so I tend to watch those things on my own.

The documentary was pretty fluffy, I was hoping for a wider spectrum of voices and experiences, but oh well. 

I'll leave you with a photo of my first hydrangea bud of the season, a happy surprise, and a great quote I read the other day:

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any."

- Alice Walker