Beautiful Bruises

Right Hand

Left Hand

Things are healing really well. It has been 11 days and my bruises are beautiful, in no time they will be a memory. I'm stikl waitimg for sensation on my right side, but that's alright, I know it will come. I Often feel like my underwear or pants are falling dowm on the side right of my body or I drag my body across the wall walking scratching myself as I go, It's pretty funny.


Today, I walked three blocks, rest for 15 minites and walk slowly back home. As I returned home from my walk I noticed my right arm wilted, as my energy waned. I started swirving like a drunken deer, and then I needed to be bookended by my parents so that I wouldn't fall over. Made it though :) I contined home, walked in the dooor, fell onto the couch, tried to reach my water glass with my right hand (always pushhng to use the bad hand) and just after taking a big sip, I watched my hand hand reease the glass. Shattered it. I drop everything. During meals I drop my utensils, time, after, time, never stopping until I'm done eating. My rule is that if I want to eat I have to eat using my right hand. I have to earn it. half way throigh the day I have a hard tme picking up myh right arm, so i go takea nap.

I will be fying home Frday with my parents. Fior niow I'm trying to rest, take small walks, be out and hear sounds, bright lights, for a few minutes eatch day . the travel day will be intense and exhausting. i can't standfor long times, i hop[pe  i get better so i dont have to use a wheelcheair. I woild be nice to be wheeled and keep my eyes closed too thoigh. We'll see how it goes.

I'm glad I have so much time to recouperate down here. Dan is already back at work doing 6 days a week 10 hour days. He's really busy and i still need help. My mom is bathing my head, I sit in the bath and laugh, compare myself to my three year old neice. I;m glad I have such a close family where i can count on my mom to bathe me, my dad has fed me, and Dan does everythinng between. If I hadn;t gone through this before i dont think i would have handl.ed it this well. im more confident in how i will progress, that this is just phase.

Im still bummed about the lack of personalized vaccine, but if ii have to get to germany, that;s what ill do. I have acceess to my tumor and Dr Liau is still going to be my doctor. YAY! She will follow me. We;re on the right path.

Ok. So pooped. I've bitten my mouth 20 times becauseje ha;f my face feels novicaned. My body is confused and the ony thing to do is tryh and rest. pushing it has never been a good idea. Sorry im so bad abount posting. just so hard to communicated sometmes.

 

 

Daddy Manicure

Nightmare

Just woke before myidmight pills, just 15 minutes early. I was crying, screaming silently, trapped in a treatment facility trying to beat this tumor. The lights were out, it was dark. People with shots and venoms and poisons lurched at me, ignoring my pleas, unable to comprehend my language, my gibberish. I screed for Dan, for mom, no one could reach me. They could hear me but it was too dark, to hard to find me, I was strapped down.

Dan flew home tonight, mom and dad are here to see me thru Friday until I can come home. I'm healing but I think there are deep fears lingering. I wish it wasn't the case. I fitfully chase sleep, and I know I need the reprieve, but even with the best intentions and hope from this process, I cannot ignore the trama my body has endured.

Ill try again, swollow more drugs, visualize fat faced kitties and furry puppies, and if all fails and nightmares prevail, I will try again because although terrifying, a good cry can heal.