No Fear

Ok. I'm off my pity pot. I feel loads better, I just needed to put this stuff in perspective! Every time I have a massive change, I need to digest it, and put it in its' rightful place.

So what if I can't drive. I don't need to drive everywhere anyway. The lack of driving gives me an excuse to stay home and take care of little things. I usually wear a life jacket in the river anyway. So what if I need a bath companion, at least it'll be fun to visit with my mom or whomever.

I'm alive, I'm not in the hospital, I'm not broken from a horrible car accident. I don't need to live in fear, I'm just going to take things one step at a time both proverbially and literally. Just like after the brain surgeries, I'll start with walking slow, then walk longer, and when I feel ready I'll start slowly running again, and before I know it I'll be finishing up my runs with sprints. I have no reason to fear exercise. There is no time to live in fear, although there's always room to be cautious.

I wrote a little note on the whiteboard magnetized to my fridge. It's a place where Danny and I always used to leave little love notes. It says, "I will not live in fear." So simple, but not so simple that it doesn't need to be repeated.

Sometimes I find that all I need is a little pep talk and some encouragement from friends, so thanks everyone. I'm still having flashbacks, but I take a deep breath, push the scary thoughts out of my mind, and change my focus. I will not give up.

A New Version Of Normal

I feel like I've been pretty good about casting fear aside, maybe it's because I love a good challenge. Sometimes, though, challenges can mount and it becomes difficult to keep your chin up.

Although Danny and I went for a quarter mile walk the other day (I was craving cherries and there's a fruit stand nearby), I have yet to get back to running. I've been very dizzy, and apprehensive about pushing myself too hard. I feel like the seizure has brought on a whole new set of challenges. I don't know exactly what caused my seizure to occur. Most likely it was due to poor sleep habits and stress, maybe even low blood sugar levels, but there is no way to know for sure the exact cause. I don't really know how to avoid it. I feel very vulnerable. I wish a doctor could tell me I was allergic to wheat or something and the reaction was seizures. I would avoid all wheat products and go on my merry way. I feel like I'm trapped in a dark place, my hands are feeling around the walls searching for windows or doors, desperately hoping for any sliver of light to expose the correct decisions, the correct choices that will help me succeed.

I don't know how to methodically get back on my feet. I don't want to become stagnant, but I don't know the difference between a simple challenge and what is pushing too much.

Last night, although I'm not supposed to take baths for fear of a seizure and drowning, I asked my mother to hang out in her bedroom while I took a bubble bath in her tub. I thought it would be soothing and invigorating to overcome that fear. Instead, I was terrified and shaved my legs in record time. I continuously flashback to the tingling, the numbness, the curling of my fingers, wrists, arms, and then the violent shaking and screaming, then the nothingness. I remember feeling helpless, just before losing consciousness. I still feel helpless.

I have yet to cry since the seizure, and it's because I won't allow myself for fear that I may not be able to pull it back together.

I feel like my life has a new version of normal. My playing field has changed. I have new rules to live by. I can't even wrap my head around it.