Stuffing My Fears

Last night, I was laying in bed, analyzing my eating habits. I think most people have their "skinny" jeans for when you're in better shape, and then there's the "fat" jeans for Thanksgiving. Newsflash: My "fat" jeans don't fit. That is a huge blow to my self esteem, and my reality. Even though life is going great, I feel healthy, I'm recovering quickly, and I have minimal discomfort, still, I think I'm emotionally eating.

I'm not trying to complain about feeling fat (which I do). I'm just trying to figure out why I'm eating more than I need to. It's a slippery slope when it comes to gaining weight, and if I don't nip it in the butt I'm just going to spiral down into a funk which will probably cause me to overeat, and then sink further.

I've gotten back into working out, and I've been increasingly active. I eat very healthy foods, but when it comes down to it I'm eating way more than I'm needing to. I wish I was the kind of woman that lost weight during a crisis, but that has never been my style.

I've been trying to be positive about my situation, and do the best I can in my daily life, but I think my unknown future is silently tearing me up inside. I can't plan beyond October 12th. I can't plan where I'll be for Thanksgiving because I don't know if I'll be receiving treatment. I can't plan for my future and my dreams with Danny. I don't know if I'll be able to have children because I don't know if I'll be healthy enough. Even if I do get a clean bill of health for a period of time, I know the tumor will come back, or possibly progress into cancer. How could I be so selfish to have children, or a family, never knowing if I'm going to be a burden, or possibly not even be around. My life is cut into three month segments, at minimum for two years, and after that I'll have four month segments for Lord only knows how long. I can only imagine that if Danny and I were ever to want children, we would never risk getting pregnant because my health is shaky and uncertain - which would be such a shame since a little Danny would be adorable! I don't know how to reconcile the concept of wanting to dream, and yet being afraid of being disappointed by my reality.

When I was in the ICU I shared the room with several different patients. There were only two to a room, and since I was in there for almost a week I had a revolving door. Lots of different situations, all incredibly sad. One of the patients was a woman who had just lost her baby. The sobbing of that woman was that of a wounded animal. It still haunts me. Another patient was going through cancer treatment, and had taken a turn for the worst. She had been diagnosed with cancer while pregnant and she decided to carry the baby to term, even though the doctors told her and her husband that she needed treatment immediately to survive. The woman chose to hold off on treatment, and kept the baby. She died a couple of weeks after the baby was born. Insanely sad stuff. Now, I know that I'm borrowing trouble (one of my dad's favorite sayings) but these fears are my reality.

I think I'm overeating because I'm suppressing my fears, or at least trying to suppress them. I keep trying to be positive, and healthy, but I think I'm acting out. I don't know how to truly get a grip on what's happening inside me. This is the most challenging time of my life, and I don't see things changing for a very long time. Maybe my life is just going to be exceedingly challenging. Maybe that's what I'm realizing. I guess I just need more tricks up my sleeve to combat this new reality. Stuffing my fears is just causing me to stuff my face.

The Three Amigos

Toasting each other for our first Marathon. It's all fun and games at the beginning, little did we know that at the end of it we would be barely able to walk.

The sunrise came about two hours into the walk, which ironically was almost how long it took us to get our adrenaline back down to normal after our first wildlife encounter. We were walking along the trail at a pretty good clip, when we met up with a baby skunk. Not realizing what was before me, I extended my arms headed and toward it, excitedly saying, "Oooh....a baby kitten!!!" Quickly, Danny stopped Emma and me, by quietly telling me to ".......shuush....it's nooooot a kitten....get back....." The marathon almost ended just as we were getting started.

A man and his dog. Emma was a complete trooper. I forgot to account for all of the water/swimming breaks along the loop, but as the marathon continued, I realized that it wasn't about the time of the race, it was just finishing it.

I'm kicking myself for not getting a photo with Jess. She met up with us for a leg of the final loop. If she wouldn't have been able to meet up, there is no way that Danny and I could have finished. We were deliriously exhausted, and at our breaking points. The only thing that continuously came out of our mouths were, "....my feeeeet hurt....." Having Jess to distract us and visit was heaven sent.

Two miles after Jess headed back to her car, I hit a wall and had to lay down in the grass for 2 minutes. Danny kept telling me that it was only three-ish more miles. He put his hand on the small of my back and guided me toward the finish line. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it.  I truly almost started crying because my feet and legs hurt so badly.

  

 

With less than a mile to go I received a text message from Megan, confirming the location of the finish line. When we got to the top of the pedestrian bridge, with the final steps in view, we saw Michelle, Kristin, and Megan. Megan had calculated our journey, and they surprised us with cheers and hollers - just like a real race! They were holding an invisible banner for the winners to cross through. Although we weren't able to jog, but we did do a triumphant two-arms-up-power-fist-victory whoot!

The three amigos. Look at that tired dog, poor little Emma. She gets doggy treats for a week! Same with Danny, I bought him a juicy burger, and milkshake. What an amazing boyfriend to help me on that journey. I can't think of anyone else that would be as crazy, and as wonderful to help me reach my goal. What a team!!!

Unfortunately, Danny fared worse from the race. My feet, although swollen didn't do too badly. Dan's feet were bloody and had multiple blisters. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a man that would literally pulverize his body to help me succeed. He never quits on me. He's always the first person to say, "Sure, why not!" I couldn't have done this marathon without him. In fact, I never would have even attempted it at this point in my life. He is amazing and I'm incredibly grateful.

All in all we walked the 26.2 miles in a total of 8 hours and 40 minutes. Not the world's fastest time for a marathon, but we did it together, and although painful it was still really fun! Wonderful memories.