Two Different Personalities - One Body

Last night I was trying to explain to Danny how odd I feel. It almost like I'm trapped with two different personalities in one body. Half the time I'm laughing, and enjoying myself, and the other half of the time I'm afraid, and anxious. The weirdest part is that I might look like I'm smiling and enjoying myself, but often times, behind the facade, I'm in a dark place, full of fear and pain.

I just received a letter for my next MRI appointment and doctor's visit. Now, instead of meeting at the surgical pavilion on the third floor, I'll go in for the MRI and then meet with the team of oncologists on the first floor (in a radiation oncology exam room - how intimidating is that!!). It's a little change, but it strikes my heart with fear. Probably 100 times a day I get scared, I remember the pain, and I try to dig myself out of those dark places. I'm starting to get really exhausted, just trying to be positive. I'm going to need some more tricks.

One of the tricks is going to have to be leaning further on Danny. I started reading about my type of integrated tumor and it was a big mistake. I need to get back into the habit of just enjoying my life, as best as I can. There is nothing more that I can do, other than make healthy decisions and be happy. A surprisingly hard thing to do when all I want to do is hide under a rock and pretend this isn't happening.

No Limit Of Kindness

Last Saturday, instead of doing the Chelan Man Olympic Triathlon which I had been planning on conquering (prior to the diagnosis), I attended a concert.

We went to the concert with a group of friends, a group that knows no limit of kindness. They're always making me laugh, and they never disregard my ridiculous moods. They always make me feel like I'm completely normal, even when I can't seem to believe in myself.

At first, I didn't want to be in any of the photos, and I would hide behind other people's heads, but soon I realized how rediculous I was being. So I don't have hair and I feel fat. Oh well. I told myself to just deal with it and suck it up. I'm glad I did, because now I have some memories. I guess I can be pretty vain.

too bad we were missing Jessaca - she had the fancy seats down front :)

I think that's my hardest hurdle socially. I don't want to be in photos. I don't want to look at myself. When I see the photos, it all of a sudden becomes so real. I can no longer pretend what I've been living through, and the uncertainty of my future. I can't wait for the day when I can really relax, truly feel safe, and unload my sadness.