I've been hiding things from you.
Bad things. MRI things.
Unfortunately, it appears as if there are three tumors growing now.
Dan and I have known for a week, but I wasn't ready to vomit this awful news onto you. I realize, because of my own life, that we can only handle so much suffering. We can only handle so much pain, and I never want to be a burden on your soul. That is the last thing I would ever want to give you. Weight.
I only want to fix things, to make people feel better. Even in the grocery store, on the sidewalk, on a phone call with a girlfriend, I look to make someone smile or laugh - to connect. Sometimes it's a challenge, but nothing gives me more satisfaction, than trying to make a situation/attitude better. Not that I'm without mistakes, or poor choices, but I am trying every day to do what I think is right.
It's after midnight, but I can't sleep. I stopped all current treatments because I don't trust or understand what's going on in my body. Treatments can actually initiate tumor growth; there is no easy path. No solid way to address this problem. There are no easy answers. I have not given up hope, I'm just recalibrating. We're hunkering in, planning, looking for educated information, looking to add more professionals to our team.
I have Emma asleep on my legs, and Bing on my chest. I feel connected, three heartbeats. I never REALLY thought this would kill me, or that it would get worse, although it's exactly what the scientific literature has been telling me. I even said to Dan recently, "It's possible that my positive thinking may have been denial." - As these tumor/tumors have been gently penetrating my brain.
I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, though. Why would I?
Between filling out the tens of pages of patient intake forms for the various new doctor appointments scheduled for next week, I took a 30 min for a bath at noon. I poured a few cups of Epsom salts, dipped a foot, eased, and settled. I found myself lifting my dripping arms from the water (knobby knees sticking out of the shower tub), hot tears running down my face, "Thank you Universe. Thank you God. Thank you for blessing me with so many experiences, for the joy, for the laughter for the connections, for the fresh air, for the EVERYTHING." I added that I am open to all the goodness that the universe brings, and that I am open for healing. That final statement is new. It's a new open door, that I didn't feel worthy of. Why should I be healed when I already have so much? How many gifts does a girl deserve? Surely, I have hit my max already.
I don't know how this world works. I have only my own compass, and my education from others. I am trying to do my best, in the situation I am in. I am laughing with Dan daily. Teasing and connecting with friends deeply. That's life, it's simple, yet profound. It's love.
I have our sweet animals cuddling me right now, as Dan sleeps in our bed. I can hear his gentle snoring, what a glorious sound! Tonight is a rare occasion, because we always go to bed at the same time, but I fibbed because I needed to cry and I wanted to shelter him. I thank God for the luxury of a guest bed. This beautiful man who gives, and gives, who's love shows zero boundaries.
I am unwell, but I am not dying. I just need to heal. I will be dead when I'm dead, and I'll deal with it then. For now, I raise my soaking arms to the heavens and give thanks for everything I'm allowed to experience!
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| Even the shittiest task can be fun. (That was us in the MRI waiting area.) Choose to be happy, it feels better. |
