Friday, April 22, 2016

UW Results

As always, we have to confirm with UCLA, but the preliminary findings of my MRI is stable. The FLAIR signal in the tumor cavity is slightly increased. However there is no enhancement, and no new nodular area. There's a venus abnormality that they've been watching, but I'm not too concerned about it.

All-in-all a great scan. I had been terrified, even convinced that there would be a new lesion, since I've been eating horribly, including a 20 lb weight gain - pure sugar. I've always equated excess calories as food for the tumor so the fact that there isn't obvious tumor growth is a freaking miracle. Apparently diet isn't the end-all-be-all of cancer growth. (I'm sure it matters, but who knows how much, and for which cancers, and which people?)

I'm obviously relieved, and can now focus on treating myself well because I want to. I can exercise, and eat right, because it's fun, not because I'm scared and feel responsible. I had been punishing myself, even daring the cancer to come back and prove me right. I know that sounds disgusting, and selfish. I felt that when I get good results, when I succeed, I still watch my friends get sicker. So if I have a good scan, I lose. And if I have a bad scan, I lose. I lose either way. I feel guilty being "heathy", even though cancer has taken so much from me. From us. 

It's really hard to be fearless in this situation, and very hard to not get stuck. It's time for me to stop punishing myself for success, for my good fortune and hard work. I don't know how to manifest that, to forgive myself for being alive, for being able to mow the lawn just now. That guilt has no place, I realize it, but it's there nonetheless. 


On Wednesday, through the help of a girlfriend, I was able to take my nephew KC to We Day (http://www.weday.com) where I watched thousands of seventh grade world changers. The kids are fearless, they're kind, they're big thinkers and problem solvers. I'm going to try to harness their spirit and attitude to get outside of myself. When I get in a rut, when I feel paralyzed, I need to remind myself to find inspiration. It always helps. For being an extrovert, I can certainly disappear from friends, from family, I can get scared, and filled with denial and avoidance, and that's fine from time to time, but if we don't look out, and see what's around us, who needs help, how you can have a positive impact on those around you, then what's the point. 

I'm just really relieved about this first set of results, and grateful that I didn't shoot myself in the foot with diet and lifestyle choices. One of the saddest things that we can do in life is give up, or take our health for granted. I'm embarrassed to say that I feel like I kind of had. But not any longer. There's probably a fine line  between giving up and enjoying yourself, and one of these days I'm sure I'll figure it out.

10 comments:

  1. Yay! Great news! Glad to "hear" it! My first MRI after starting my latest trial will be on 6/7. I'm hoping for similar results! Hope you have a good celebration!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. June, Thank you! And I'll be thinking of you on June 7th. We still have to wait for our final review (I don't know why it takes so long), but hopefully there won't be any surprises. Please keep me posted when you get your results! :)

      Delete
  2. Wonderful great news !!!! So glad to hear and don't blame yourself sweet girl for allowing yourself to be human.
    Thoughts & prayers to you, Dan & your family. Thank you for letting us out here know of your good news. We celebrate with you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!! What a gracious miracle that I can be happy and "free" for another 6 months. I mean, I still have to wait for UCLA's results, but I'm celebrating now anyway. We all know life's too short not too! :) xo

      Delete
  3. You are such a gift! Thank you so much for your honesty and sincerity! I am so happy you have such great results!! You do deserve them!! You do deserve to live!! So do many many others of course, but you, you do too!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you Maleka! You have the biggest heart. I just love love love you. Xoxo

      Delete
  4. WAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right Criquette!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAWWWWW!

      Delete
  5. CONGRATS ON THE GOOD REPORT,JESS!!! I JUST HAD MY CANCER MARKERS COME BACK GOOD,SO AM CANCER FREE AFTER ALMOST FIVE YEARS! STILL GETTING BACK STRENGTH FROM MY STROKE LAST YEAR! EATING WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR TO0; MAYBE WE CAN BREAK THAT HABIT TOGETHER! WILL TRY TO EMAIL YOU AND WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY!!! ALL MY LOVE, "SO CAL" PATTI

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi So Cal Patti, oh it's always that damn sugar, isn't it?! I am two days free of sugar, and I feel great (just wishing I was eating sugar - ha). I'm glad the markets are good, and that you're recovering! I always love hearing from you. I think you still have my email, reach out anytime! Xoxox

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Back to Top