Does Altruism Exist?

I'm sitting at the JFK waiting to fly back home and wondering to myself how I got so fortunate in life. I just spent the night (as I usually do) with my friends Nate and Miraim, and baby Sol of course, and just being around them is calming, and fun, we talk about everything. It's engaging and energizing, and refreshing, and fills me with joy. Flash to today where Sol, Miriam and I met up with our friend John (Steph was stuck at work) for lunch and again it's the most invigorating, expressive, comprehensive friendship. How did I get so lucky to live this life and be surrounded by such amazing humans? These beautiful souls who think deeply, whose hearts are profoundly touched by human suffering or the human cause. I think they all see themselves as just normal people, but I see them as the glue that keeps humanity real, and kind. I hear their words, as they talk on any subject, and they care. They have such huge hearts, it's the most lovely thing.

The shot went well, fabulously well, Dr Germany said something along the lines of, "We're on a winning team" in reference to my protocol. Man that's a fantastic thing to hear. I don't know why I get to live this - I don't even have a good word for it - blessed life, but I am grateful for every second. And along with living a life that is true to me, and my evolving views, I will also continue my mission to help other tumor patients achieve health, and longevity.

The bandaid peaking out reminds me of today's life giving treatment

The thought has crossed my mind that now I'm stable, I could say screw it and just go live my life (while obviously continuing my treatments). I could stop blogging. I could unconnect from social media and just garden, or find a career that could withstand my seizures, and time off to travel for treatments. I could turn my back on the brain tumor world and focus on anything, or everything, else. I could just spend my time in an unrelated field, or focus on other endeavors, but the truth is that I feel the need to pay it forward. I am driven, compelled, to help others who are just starting their journey, or perhaps are dealing with a relapse/recurrence. I could not turn my back on family, and that's who you all are. You are my brain tumor family, and I will not abandon you. It would be easier, probably, and less emotional, less stressful, but who would I be if I didn't help those in need? It's not the kind of person I want to be. We all have choices every moment of every day about who we are and how we're going to live our lives. I have somehow navigated my way through this crazy diagnosis, and although I'm not guaranteed tumor stability for life, with this path that I'm on, it's working for now and I know I can help others. I've done it and will happily continue. It's actually even selfish sometimes because it makes me feel good when I talk to another brain tumor diagnosees and help them figure out their own plan, because everyone is different. Each brain tumor patient can blaze their own path; they can take little bits here, and little bits there, from other patients who have been successful. When I see, or hear in their voice, the determination to live, it fuels me. When I share what I know, or connect them with others who can also give valuable information, I feel intrinsically good. Is there such a thing as altruism? I really don't know.

So, even though I worry about you guys, all my tumor friends, crying for you at times, I wouldn't change a thing about the responsibility to help. I know this is a choice. I see pieces of myself in you, I know your struggles, I know your fears. Know that I'm here, and I will help you in any way I can.

UCLA Results

I'm in a car in Queens, NYC (I'm in town for another NDV immunotherapy shot) and just got off the phone with UCLA. They agree with UW! I am considered "stable without recurrence, with an almost exact MRI scan compared to October 2014", my next MRI will be in 6 months. Of course, knowing me, I was concerned with the words "almost exact" - I wanted exact or smaller - but then I told myself to just chill out, and breathe. Things are good. Things are great. I've had the phone call in the past telling me it things didn't look good, so what am I doing overanalyzing stuff!? Sometimes I wish I was a little more "chill" in general, but then I wonder if I would have gotten the same results if I didn't panic and turn into cancer warrior mode. I look for all the hidden meanings and nuances, always wanting to stay ahead of the game. But I think I can truly be happy with these results, and focus on helping my other brain tumor friends, and continue my protocol at the same time.

Woooeeeeee! Let's keep this roll buttered!

My view as the results came in

Polar Bearing for FD

Alright, sorry for the delay. We've been inundated with friends all weekend. Yay! So we've been enjoying the company, and now it's time for the results of the fundraiser. Drum roll please.........we did it!!! We climbed 51 climbs, I believe. I knew we wouldn't be able to remember all of the climbs so we took a photo of each route we completed (many we climbed a few times). I'm uploading the photos to prove it, although we did sneak in some kid's climbs, but hey, they were still 10-12 foot climbs, and of course we had to do climbs in the bouldering area (okay okay, we did mostly bouldering to get the quota). Those count, right?

We had so much fun climbing; you can't beat that crew! And in honor of all those magical donations which I consider the equivalent to a bunch of carebear stares to hearts you've never met, nor likely will, Dan and I ran into the drink today to say thank you.

And the video to prove it:

It's far away, and you probably can't easily tell, but I pulled off a shallow dive and we both went under the water for a full dunk. We also spooked three huge rock crab. One of them was missing a pincher, poor guy.

Here's a photo with our photographer, Burke. After filming, he set down the camera and ran in too! So look at that, you inspired a whole new person to get "OUT LIVING IT".

Thank you again for the AMAZING success of this fundraiser. You all completely blew us away with the continued generosity, and support. Please know that the money that you donated is truly going to have an impact on young adult cancer people. It was a turning point for me, a huge eye opener, and one of the best weeks of my whole life. When you get diagnosed then get thrown into the medical system, it's overwhelming and your whole life changes. It's terrifying, and sad, and you have amazing friends that come together to help you, but there are others who pull away, or whom you must pull away from to avoid toxic relationships. All of a sudden your whole life is survival. Your body changes as they cut, (and burn and poison) you're told you don't have long to live. The whole process is overwhelming, shocking, dumbfounding, impossible to relate. So when an organization forms to help us young adult humpty dumpties put ourselves together, it is not only generous and kind, it's profoundly needed. Young adult cancer patients have the worst survival rates. It's scary in here, in this group, and we need support to continue to mend, and flourish. So thank you for helping do that, and thank you in joining us in paying it forward. You have all touched my heart so deeply.