Argument Essays

Speech therapy, what can I say. I feel kind of crazy. It's been over 7 months since the surgeries, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I wonder if this whole episode is just a dream.

My homework for speech, this past week, had been to write an argument essay. I could choose any topic, sounds great right? However, coming up with something that I care about was absolutely horrible. When I try to find things that I care about (like a stance on a political issue), my thoughts get insanely jumbled and I can't think clearly. My head feels like there's 1,000 people talking, yet I can't make out any words or conversations. It's like there's a ton of white noise or something. All the while, with microscopic little arms, I'm trying to reach through my brain, grasping at concepts that are always floating just out of reach. Quickly, I become confused and frustrated, and I end up saying things like, "Who the bleep even cares about blank or blank. This is stupid." Steller attitude, I know. It's not that I'm lacking passion, it's just that I need facts to justify my opinion and when those don't come easy, and I'm confused about the details, I end up on the fence.  I never used to be this way. I could always pull up some sort of supporting point, fact, or detail. I used to love to debate, spar, and have fun getting into discussions. An argument paper would typically be something I would excel at.

I'm frustrated that something that used to come as a simple task has turned into an enormous challenge. I feel like a 30 year old with a nine year old brain (no offense to nine year olds). I never thought I'd have a problem writing an essay. I certainly have no problem narrating my life, but of course, that's a completely different format. I believe that the information is in my head, I just need to figure out how to access it. The trick is going to be not giving up, and also, not berating myself when I get frustrated and cry. 

Three Of Mes

I'm so exhausted all of the time. I only have the energy to do a few important things during the day. I've fallen off the face of the earth for most of my long distance friends, and I apologize. I can't juggle things like I used to. I don't have the energy to be on the phone and discuss things. I can never catch up with my emails. I feel like I'm often floating around in a blurry haze. Even though I sleep on average 9 hours a night, I'm never caught up. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I used to hit the gym at 5:00am, work all day, get home, talk on the phone with friends, cook, clean the house, etc. I feel crazy, unable to accomplish the things that I need to, and each day it gets worse, more and more things piling up. It's like a sensory overload, and my lack of ability to prioritize, focus, and find energy leads me to be exhausted, frustrated, and disappointed in myself. I don't know how to manage. I need three of me.

Off to bed.