On My Terms

I've been resting. I've been healing. My progress is obvious, and it's exciting!

Origenaly, while in the hospital, the speech, occupation, and physical therapists, told me that I needed to spend 2-3 weeks in acute care home where I would work 6-8 hours a day on my deficits. The worst part, I was told I would have to live on campus, alone. I remember the second their door shut and I turned to Dan. We looked at each other, and I said, "Dope." He smiled, and I whispered, "Is that okay?" 

I knew I couldn't be apart from him, not for that not during such a traumatic time. Dan and I laugh so much, we have the ability to keep things in perspective, we ground each other, and literally have fun in everything we do. There's nothing more therapeutic than my time with Dan. So I respectfully declined and said I would revisit therapy after I moved home in a month. 

I had been told from my surgeon, whom I implicitly trust, that a complete recovery was expected, but to be aware of swelling which could take sever months to recover. In my mind, her words vindicated my gut feeling, that this time should be for healing, compassion, patience, and not brow beating.

As this is my fourth brain surgery, I'm different in how I evaluate the process. I'm much more calm. I'm able to analyze what will serve me on an independent level. For me, I knew being away from Dan would dampen my soul, extinguish my light. It would actually be carmful.

So, instead of weeks working in frustration, we were cocooned with a magical beach home in Malibu. It was through a friend of a friend, but now it already feels family. We have been nurtured by everyone, even friends of friends. Each day, I get better and better, oftentimes even between naps. I started with a walker, and yesterday I walked over three miles. I no longer require assistance.

You can see in my language, in my writing, that I am fast improving. I have no fears of deficites, I have have no fear of much. Each challange is an adventure, and each opportunity is a gift. 

I have never felt so provided by the universe. From our friends, and family, holding down our home with our pets, to Dan's employers, and work buddies, the emotional support of your payers, and blog comments with pure love. All of the generous donations and gifts. We have made new friends, we have made unbelievable memories. We have found joy in the wildest circumstances, and it's because of all you! You lift us up, you nurture us, you choose to send us strength, and compassion. You are healing us. Please never underestimate your role! 

The world continues to bring surprises, and we continue to have so much fun regardless of the subject or context. Sometimes life feels like a movie, full of lessons and growth. It leaves me with hope, and recharges my soul, regardless of the ending. In those moments, as often as I can remember, I soak it up, lift my face to the heavens, with a jubilant expression, and praise God, praise the Heavens, and I thank whomever is responsible. 

Life is so damn fun!

These pictures show the milestone that is my first shower after three weeks of suture. Damn that felt good to remove and clean!!!

We Are Not Stuck

Sometimes I wonder why my lift continues to be so magical. I am so full of happiness? Why do I get to feel this way? How us it possible to me this happy? Shouldnt I be scared? Or angers?

During the lead up in LA, presurgert, I was waiting for a doctor, and while sitting in a room, I heard gurgoral sobbing, then wretch screams that could not be calmed. After a few minutes I got up, and walked over to the nurse to see if there was anything I could do. 

I was gently told that a patient had been notified of a tumor recurrence. I asked she was going to be okay, if she needed help, and the nurse reassured me that she went back and hugered her and she was with our doctor. I thanked her for sharing that hug, and hugged her too. Life is a circle of comcassion, and sometimes that's all you can do.

By the time the doctor got her settled, the office was running falf an hour late, and my rushed physician, mussled in worried I word be mad at him. I let out a laugh so loud that I even stunned myself. 

I shrinked and said, "Hey, that's life!"

We got settled it, and we got to checking in. We had never met as it was he was there to assess the safty of my surgery. To see my risks, and conduct extra blood work - things like that. 

As we reviewed my years of surgeries, the lenthly treatments, and touched on my scheduled brain surgery, only a day or some away, he stopped me and asked in awe, how I can handle this with smiles and laughter. He said wants to research people like me to learn and figure out more so help for other patients. He is aways fascinated by the differet perspectives of people, and how they analyze there situations. I told him I feel the same too! It's wild, really, wow different people see things.

He ashed it he could me some pointed questions about my attitude, and I askered him best I could. I told hi am in absoute awe that I get to be alive. And that means all of it - not just the good stuff. I choose to be happy. Because it really is a decision. I am easy to laugh, because it makes me feel good. I work hard to give people grace. And I'm easy distracted. I love making people laugh, and smile. Those two tings are my favorite things to give. And that I try to limit negativity.

I was very clear that I'm no master, but these are my goals. This is how I try to life my life. And damn if it isn't fun! 

 

World is a very special place, full of choices. Don't like your attitude? Change it. Don't like how that person treats you? Stop spending so much time with them. Feel scared? Start saying aloud, everything you're grateful for. Feeling down? Pick people that lift you up! 

I probably sound simpistic, but you just start little by little. And it requires analyzing your environment, your feelings. We are not stuck, unless we chose to be. 

I choose to be happy, and I do it because it is saving my life. That might sound confusing, but regardless of my cancer, I feel deep joy in my soul, and THAT is what I mean about healing. I can feel healed every day, in my own attiute. It's viseral, palpable, it is with intention and it's my choice.

We are alive as much we want to be. We are present as we want to be.