Cramped Cottage

I'm still carrying the love that was shown to me over Friday Harbor fundraiser weekend, so thanks guys (especially Courtney, Melissa, Candyce, Rene, Leisa, Mike, and Kaal for putting on the barn dinner). I'm pretty calm this morning, even knowing I have a date in the OR at 1:00 pm today. I'm more upset that I can't have a cup of coffee or eat anything. The anesthesiologist mentioned small sips of water. Boring. I should have eaten a big dinner last night. Like a big fat bun-less buffalo burger with brie cheese. Rats. I wish I could eat the blackened chicken breast in the fridge, or the deviled eggs, or the sprout salad I grew and harvested (just gotta toss some of our tahini sauce on it). Yes! Or anything. Oh, the macadamia nuts, or the soy nuts, or the celery or cucumber to munch on. I'm desperate! But a hot cup of delicious coffee with a tablespoon of grass fed heavy cream....yummmmmmeeeee. The creaminess. I guess that would be my #1 choice.

I've been distracting myself, but now I'm just ready to get this overwith. It's supposed to rain from now through the weekend, ugh, I'm going to get cabin fever, I can already feel it. There's only so many episodes of Nova that I can watch. I'm all about nature, but I can't stomach the animals eating each other, blood all over their coats. Yuck. I've definitely gotten smarter without cable (literally), but it has also ruined my ability to zone out at mindless TV. I lose interest. 

Alright, I'm off to do some ironing. Here's a few fun pictures of things growing in the house and the garden. Hope you find them as cool as I do. I'm a simple girl, easily excitable.

Before

After

Day 1

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5 (still growin'!)

My sprout condo, so I will never go a day without broccoli sprouts. Which of course  I do because I'm terrible about timing. 

Hope you all have a great weekend. Fingers crossed that the doctors will say I'm cleared to walk on the treadmill, so I can bust out of our little cottage and make my way to the gym. I'm not into soggy walks. Soggy runs? Sure. Because when you run you keep warm. I've tried waking in the rain and it's miserable. Awful. I feel like a dog that's getting a bath. Not fun. I'm rambling. I'd better get my act together, my parents will be here before I know it and there are a lot of unhappy wrinkled shirts glaring at me from the couch. I'd better save them.

Pure Delight

I'm starting to grow out of my daze from all of the travel and excitement from the previous week. Since Monday night it has been like living with a perpetual hangover. Ironic since I don't drink.  

This past week has been so much fun! My head is still spinning - in the most happy way. To do the Manhattan thing with Dan, then jump over to Friday Harbor for the weekend for the race and barn thing was so much fun. I got to see so many friends, and met a bunch more. I was embraced, literally, hundreds of times. It was healing, and energizing, and all the laughter and rediculousness was pure and I loved it. Here's some pictures of our group for the race, we took a photo at each mile. 

Between the Run Ladies Run race and the community barn dance, we raised enough for half of a shot, which is GLORIOUS. Thank you!!

These treatments are crazy expensive, but I believe they are helping. Of course, I get nervous and scared that my tumor will grow again, I talk about it all the time, but I'm hopeful as well. Mostly just hopeful, and really, really happy to be here. 

Visiting with friends this past Saturday, I would listen to what they were saying, then my heart would interrupt, and she would swell, and I would mentally pinch myself, always surprised by how lucky I am to be alive, and how lucky I am to be so deeply loved.

My treatments will take another 2.5-3 years to complete, and I probably sound nuts, but who knows, maybe these crazy things will work! Maybe some day Dan and I will have bigger more fun things to focus on than treatments, like buying a home, or starting a family, or maybe backpacking through Europe to visit my Polish family. It's weird to live this life, to in many ways postpone almost everything, stuck on a hamster wheel of faith that I will remain healthy at the expense of changing nothing so that we can endure treatment after treatment. Our lives are complicated, more than we can ever truly explain, but that's the life we were given, and I think we're living it well. 

I'm happy to indulge in my venom eight times a day, and do all the supplements, and the NVD shots, and yet, I will be excited when I have more freedom to not be tethered to a refrigerator or cooler (venom must always be refrigerated), or to not have the expense of the treatments, the luxury of spending our money on things other than tumor stuff. Aaaah, that sounds fun! Just the thought of being able to save money sounds heavenly. To have assets. The security in that could make me cry in delight. The odd things we wish for.

Although I'm touching on it now, I can't spend much time on dreaming big dreams or making life goals because the excitement, coupled with the thought of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, then the possibility (or according to doctors - probability) of the tumor growing back (which of course would crush everything) could quite literally squeeze all my light, all of the hope, out of my soul. Instead, I watch the seeds sprout in my garden, each leaf from the plants unfold, the petals of the hidden flowers unfurl. I celebrate the little things because I don't have the luxury of making big life goals, only because I don't want to be disappointed and that's okay. I accept that. Life is not on my schedule. Instead, life makes demands of me, tells me the rules, and my job is to listen and adjust.