Everyone Needs a Makeover

Not much more to do on a stormy September day than finish art projects. You can see a before and after of a chair makeover I completed today, down at the bottom of the post. By the time I was finished it was already sunny again, just another beautiful thing about Seattle.

I don't know what's going on, but I feel down, almost depressed even. That's not normal for me. I feel such stress about the Dopa PET and MRI scans in October. I'm scared. What if nothing I've been doing is working? What if they find out that the area in question is tumor. Will I need to start chemo?

I am dreadfully sick of having a tumor. I'm sick of having to work so hard to fight something that is this powerful. I will continue to fight, because it's what I do, it's the only thing I've got, probably the reason why I've survived so far, but my heart isn't in it right now.

I just want to be normal, have normal activities, normal thoughts, not always be afraid, not have to do all this work. Sorry for complaining, I'm just scared. I'm tumor exhausted. It's like a mental jet lag, but without the fun part of traveling.

Here's a photo of a chair that was left at our house from the previous renters...

Here's a photo of the chair after I got my grubby hands on it...

Rainy Run

This morning, Emma and I swapped our 11:00 am walk for an 11:00 am jog, and it was glorious. It dumped rain, and all I could think about was how pleased my plants must be, Seattle has been much too dry for my poor little green guys.

I'm still honing my diet, and although it takes a lot analysis (low carb vs paleo vs keto vs restricted or a combo of a few), I think I'm really starting to figure out what's going to best for me, and easiest for me to succeed which, of course, is paramount. If a lifestyle or diet is too difficult to maintain, what's the point?

It was so much fun jogging today, it was the first run around the lake with just Emma and I in several months. What a gift. Running helps me think. Somehow when I walk it just doesn't clear my mind, or trigger those endorphins. Walking feels like a job, a chore, and jogging feels like a gift. I probably sound like an oddball, but heck, we all have to find our joy in life, and for me it's jogging. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly trying to delay my death, trick by trick, even though technically that's what I'm trying to do. I focus so much on treatments, supplements, research, MRIs, trips to doctors, contacting research institutions, emailing hospitals for possible clinical trials, now taking the venom several times a day - inevitably, I just need breaks. I realize that jogging will raise my blood glucose, therefore feeding the brain tumor, but I guess I've come to the conclusion that it's a necessary evil. I figure it's better for my psyche that I run, than to feel disconnected to society, to Mother Nature, and most of all myself. Like I keep saying, I don't just want to be alive, I want to live.