Technology Break

Happy 33rd birthday, Kaal! Today is my brother's birthday. He has been my partner in crime, my protector, my personal comedian, a rock, a kind soul, and a best friend. All the best to you, my crazy bro! XOXO

Sometimes I need to take some time off from technology. I spend my extra time reading, and sitting on the patio watching the birds. I garden, and take pleasure watching my plants grow. I laugh with Danny and take things slow. I find that there's never enough time in the day to do all of the things that I need to. But, truly, there are so many things that I can safely put off for a day or several.

I've literally been watching my plants grow, and with that, I've been watching my adopted bunnies nibble on them. Last night, after my nap, I went to the window to look outside. There were two little gray blurs sprinting around my garden playing "tag." I'm not sure if they were siblings or if it's mating season....they all look alike to me. Either way, it was hilarious, and I'm hoping to see baby bunnies soon. That's possibly the best. I adore little furry things. I just want to pick them up and cuddle them, and then put them in my pocket and save them for later.

Life In Limbo

I feel like I'm in limbo. During this past year, I kept thinking, "If I can just [walk/run/talk/read] make it one year, I will have conquered this. I'll be back to my regular life." I kept my scope on the one year mark, always working toward a better future.

I was reeling, just trying to function and progress. Now I don't know how to navigate. I feel like I have completely different challenges, like, what to do with my life. I'm enjoying doing presentations. I'm enjoying my job. I'm enjoying trying to be healthy and running, but I want to challenge myself further. I just can't seem to figure out which challenge to take on. It has to be sincere, and from the center of my heart or I know I won't finish, or give it enough effort. Maybe the challenge will present itself, and I won't have to even think about it, kind of like the brain tumor. That was certainly a monumental gift of a challenge.

Somehow I thought that if I could survive the first year, everything would fall into place and my life would make sense. Instead, lately, I find myself sitting straight up out of a deep sleep, my heart racing, the previously subconscious notion of death bearing down on me. I can not ignore the reality of this diagnosis, and yet I don't want to obsess over it. I can say that, and yet, at the same time my body knows what my mind doesn't want to admit, I'm scared.

I'm in a new phase. I'm out of survival mode, I'm in a grey area.