Life In Limbo

I feel like I'm in limbo. During this past year, I kept thinking, "If I can just [walk/run/talk/read] make it one year, I will have conquered this. I'll be back to my regular life." I kept my scope on the one year mark, always working toward a better future.

I was reeling, just trying to function and progress. Now I don't know how to navigate. I feel like I have completely different challenges, like, what to do with my life. I'm enjoying doing presentations. I'm enjoying my job. I'm enjoying trying to be healthy and running, but I want to challenge myself further. I just can't seem to figure out which challenge to take on. It has to be sincere, and from the center of my heart or I know I won't finish, or give it enough effort. Maybe the challenge will present itself, and I won't have to even think about it, kind of like the brain tumor. That was certainly a monumental gift of a challenge.

Somehow I thought that if I could survive the first year, everything would fall into place and my life would make sense. Instead, lately, I find myself sitting straight up out of a deep sleep, my heart racing, the previously subconscious notion of death bearing down on me. I can not ignore the reality of this diagnosis, and yet I don't want to obsess over it. I can say that, and yet, at the same time my body knows what my mind doesn't want to admit, I'm scared.

I'm in a new phase. I'm out of survival mode, I'm in a grey area.

Tearful Presentation

 

The presentation in Friday Harbor was incredibly emotional. It was powerful to scan the room, see my brother, my mom, my sister-in-law, my Carol, Libbey & Mary, Danny's mother, Susea, and other familiar faces. I had everything organized, the timing of the photos for the slide show, note cards, even blog posts, but quickly it was thrown out the window. I became overwhelmed, and for the first time during a presentation, I cried. 

It was embarrassing to be so vulnerable, but the eyes upon me had compassion. Some teared with me. I love to share my story because I'm grateful for my life. I want to empower people. I want to help them find their smile. My goal is to encourage the audience to ignore other people's expectations, and to never give up.

I often can't believe what an incredibly extraordinary life I have. I'm so happy to be alive, and I want to share that joy, my perspective, with others.

I don't know exactly why those who teared up felt emotional. It could have been empathy for me, or it could have related to their own life. Either way, I was thoroughly touched. I share because I want to impact lives in a positive way. The Rotary in Friday Harbor gave me a huge gift. A gift of support, kindness, patience and love. It was not the seamless presentation I was trying to accomplish, but the fact that they connected emotionally was everything I was hoping for.