Tomorrow is the fifth week since the second brain surgery. I'm growing exponentially. In fact, I can't believe how much I've grown. When I was in the ICU for the week during and after the surgeries, and I was starting to re-learn things I was trying to brush my teeth with the wrong end of the brush. I couldn't grip silverware, or if I could grip it, guaranteed it was the with the wrong end. I tried to read a sentence for the speech therapist and out of eleven sentences the only thing I could recognize was the word "orange." It was absolutely bizarre. I could recognize that the page was full of words, but I didn't understand what they meant. That was a shattering moment. I would lay in my bed in the hospital trying to read the posters on the wall. I would practice over and over trying to figure out what written, "University of Washington Hospital." I would try to sound out the letters, one by one.
I had been feeling depressed before I went out for our walk today and that's when Danny reminded me that I'm still pretty fresh out of the hospital. He reminded me that with my personality having to slow down, take naps, avoid work, limit stimulus, basically I feel like I'm being punished. I thrive off of multiple stimuli. I love a good challenge, and yet I can't hit this head-on in the same fashion that I normally would. I would probably just tackle my recovery like a job and bulldoze through it. Unfortunately, that is the absolute opposite technique that I'm supposed to use. I'm already feeling guilty about not being back at work, and that alone stresses me out! It's almost like my personality is attacking my body and hurting my progress. Just like it was explained to me by Dr Silbergeld, I have tumor cells in my brain that are attacking my brain. The tumor cells are created by my own DNA. So my own body is fighting me.
Jun 3, 2010
Jun 1, 2010
Aaaaah, The Period of Oscillation
Hi Guys,
Sorry I've been MIA with my posts. It was the longest hiatus thus far. I started several different posts, but I stopped myself. I was oscillating between happy and sad, and I didn't want to regret sharing any of my emotions/sentiments because sometimes I'm just venting, and to be honest, I was pretty negative.
Over the weekend a friend said a couple of comments that didn't really sit well. He said, "Aren't you glad you didn't have breast cancer or something horrible like that!?!" And my response was, "I don't know, I've never had breast cancer." I'm sure that he doesn't understand the situation, and he's probably just making small talk, but it was hurtful. Can you imagine if a woman who was dealing with breast cancer was told, "At least you don't have a brain tumor." I'm still processing this whole situation, and I'm pretty raw. When Danny and I took a walk the next day and I told him that I'm just starting to process everything that I just went through (and how it impacts my future), I told him that I can't even imagine going through breast cancer. I don't think anyone can quantify ailments. It's all relative. My battle is my tumor and it's scary, and yet I'm learning about life, and compassion, and humanity. I want to be able to love completely toward Danny, and to my family, and to my friends, and how can you do that if you don't have a basis of compassion? This is a huge gift, even though sometimes I get frustrated and my scalp itches like the effing dickens, I'd rather be compassionate, and love better, than to have an easy life.
I have a very close friend who's two year old son has to go under general anesthesia next week and I'm scared for her. I'm worried for the little guy! Everything in life is precious, and things can change in an instant. Her situation is scary. She recognizes it, and I recognize it. And yet, at the same time, we use our own experiences help understand what other people are going through.
The other thing that miffed me (sorry, back to the first paragraph), and then made me sad, was when the same fella asked me if I had any idea that my words are messed up. The guy honestly asked me if I had any clue weird my words sound out loud (which most people politely tell me that they don't notice - or maybe they don't know me well enough to assess). I make more sense typing than talking and it's frustrating. But please let me assure you that I understand perfectly well what you're saying to me. I guess it's better that people ask me questions instead of having unanswered questions that they continue to talk about behind my back. Maybe that's the whole point? Maybe I need to thicken my skin and get over it.
Sorry I've been MIA with my posts. It was the longest hiatus thus far. I started several different posts, but I stopped myself. I was oscillating between happy and sad, and I didn't want to regret sharing any of my emotions/sentiments because sometimes I'm just venting, and to be honest, I was pretty negative.
Over the weekend a friend said a couple of comments that didn't really sit well. He said, "Aren't you glad you didn't have breast cancer or something horrible like that!?!" And my response was, "I don't know, I've never had breast cancer." I'm sure that he doesn't understand the situation, and he's probably just making small talk, but it was hurtful. Can you imagine if a woman who was dealing with breast cancer was told, "At least you don't have a brain tumor." I'm still processing this whole situation, and I'm pretty raw. When Danny and I took a walk the next day and I told him that I'm just starting to process everything that I just went through (and how it impacts my future), I told him that I can't even imagine going through breast cancer. I don't think anyone can quantify ailments. It's all relative. My battle is my tumor and it's scary, and yet I'm learning about life, and compassion, and humanity. I want to be able to love completely toward Danny, and to my family, and to my friends, and how can you do that if you don't have a basis of compassion? This is a huge gift, even though sometimes I get frustrated and my scalp itches like the effing dickens, I'd rather be compassionate, and love better, than to have an easy life.
I have a very close friend who's two year old son has to go under general anesthesia next week and I'm scared for her. I'm worried for the little guy! Everything in life is precious, and things can change in an instant. Her situation is scary. She recognizes it, and I recognize it. And yet, at the same time, we use our own experiences help understand what other people are going through.
The other thing that miffed me (sorry, back to the first paragraph), and then made me sad, was when the same fella asked me if I had any idea that my words are messed up. The guy honestly asked me if I had any clue weird my words sound out loud (which most people politely tell me that they don't notice - or maybe they don't know me well enough to assess). I make more sense typing than talking and it's frustrating. But please let me assure you that I understand perfectly well what you're saying to me. I guess it's better that people ask me questions instead of having unanswered questions that they continue to talk about behind my back. Maybe that's the whole point? Maybe I need to thicken my skin and get over it.
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