Brain Drain

Maybe it's the fact that I purged myself a little last night with my tears, or maybe it's the fact that Danny got back late last night but I'm feeling a lot better! My skin is still disgusting but I'm starting to get over it. Maybe it's kind of like physical pain. There was a point at the hospital when they had to pull the drain out of my head and they didn't give me any pain killers or anything. I was grateful to have Danny there while I screamed bloody murder and sobbed. Just so you know a drain is a tube coming out of your brain that collects blood in a circular expandable container. They have to empty it a few times as blood has too much blood in your brain. I had the drain because of the second emergency surgery when my Dura hardened. That was scary. Anyway, the drain has to be removed, and they just start yanking it out of your head, and it hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. There was about 18 inches of tubing that was wrapped throughout the inside of my head. They just keep yanking and yanking and yanking as I screamed and cried. Danny said that it was the most disgusting and painful thing he has ever seen, like something out of sci-movie. At least Danny said that I am officially the strongest woman in the world. I guess I really went on a tangent during this story. I was just talking about the fact that the memory of pain really does lessen over time. Thank goodness. If we remembered everything forever we would probably never want to do anything!

Here's another story about my second surgery. After the first surgery I did well at first but I started deteriorating rapidly in the following hours. It scared my dad, and he started talking to the doctors. He kept telling the doctors that he knows me and things aren't right. He noticed that I didn't want to be touched, and dad knows that I'm a normally really affectionate. Then I started getting to sensitive to light, and then my right hand became paralyzed. When the doctors saw the lack of function of my right hand they immediately jumped on the game. Within seconds I was signing papers to head back into surgery. They were literally running through the hospital and when I and I saw their faces I look, especially the Chief, I realized how serious this was. Looking up at all of their faces was so scary. They were immediately putting the gas over my face and I remembering thinking, "there is nothing I can do, I'm at the mercy of the world." Later I found out that the Chief Dr Silvergeld was at home and rushed back to hospital for my surgery. He rushed back for me, and probably saved my life. I'm so grateful for the doctors, and for my father, that he knows me so well.

I think, looking back on my experience, that I'm starting to digest just how serious these several weeks have been. At first I was just so grateful to be alive, and I still am completely grateful that I'm alive, but now I start to realize all the little details. It actually makes me even more grateful for my life! But when you see me, you will recognize that I am not me. I'm me typing, but not me in real. I can't express myself or say such big words in real life. This is a special place in my brain that is not the same as talking, or writing. I can type even these posts take several hours of trying but it's not how I talk in life. But I will. This will be better.

My Turtle

I've been out at my parent's house for a few nights as Danny has been trying to sell his truck in Seattle. They helped me take all my pills at weird hours and put up with my depression about my current skin crisis (among everything else). Thank you mom and dad.

The good news is that he did it it (although it was several thousand dollars backwards - but at least we can work with that). He sold it! We are now a one car family. Danny is moving in me to take care of me, and we will be starting an a new adventure. I'm very grateful for him. Danny has been trying to get rid of debt and consolidating things and I'm so proud of him. Danny is a wonderful man. He's even helping me sort through paperwork. The bills are barely beginning. We are just starting to get the MRI's from the very first appointment in Wenatchee. This progress is going to be a long one. I guess I have a few years on average for the next tumor or next treatment (if I'm lucky - and I feel really healthy!). So by then I'll probably pay for the first one and deal with the second then. I really don't care if I have to pay medical bills for my whole life, I just want to live!

Anyway, I should go to bed I think I'm starting to get foggy. Life is really complicated. I'm really grateful that Danny sold his truck. I know it sucks to have to drive my "turtle" but I love my turtle and it doesn't have a payment. So although it's not very cute it is free and I can sleep with that at night.