I could handle the news of the tumor. I could handle the first surgery. I made it through the second emergency surgery. I could handle the awkward stage of my hair that is starting to resemble a Chia Pet. I could handle the massive scar and scab that runs from next to my ear and across the center of my skull all the way to the base of my head/neck. I could handle the steroid rashes and pimples across my chest and back, since I've been hiding them with turtle necks and scarfs. However, I can no longer handle the rashes and white bumps that started showing up yesterday morning across my throat, chin, cheeks and around my mouth. Sorry. I know that this is disgusting, but I have to purge these feelings. This rash all over my face and neck is over the top. It is my final straw. I'm so disgusted by myself. Now that my face looks like a freak, I can't even find something nice to say about myself. It's just too much. I just want to cry. My throat keeps tightening up, and I know it's just a matter of time before I completely lose it. Everything in my body is fighting me. Usually I would go for a run, but I'm not even allowed to attempt such a thing. I'm at a complete loss. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry. My skin looks like braille. I just want to hide under a rock.
I did make it to my speech therapist today (I was supposed to meet for an appointment on Monday but there was a schedule conflict). She seems like a sweetheart, very encouraging, supportive and has a great smile and a great laugh - very important! I did surprisingly well during the basic tests - at least I'm happy with how I did. We will meet together on Thursday for another test and from there she will start giving me homework. I am scheduled for speech therapy, with two sessions a week. We're on our way! I'm so glad we found a great fit! Now, if only I didn't have to be in public. Or if I could just find a stylish paper bag for my head.
Danny went to Seattle yesterday to try and sell his truck. Maybe I can just scrub off the first few layers of skin before get back.
May 18, 2010
May 17, 2010
Going Slowly
Today, in Wenatchee I have an 11:00am appointment to meet with another speech therapist that specializes in brain injuries. If the therapist is a good fit I will be living at my house and doing therapy for the following month. It was really relaxing to live at Laura's house and I loved being in the city, but it will also be nice to be close to my parents and do silly things like weed in my garden.
I'm interested to see the second therapist and see what she thinks about my baseline, and what I need to work on. I really hope that this woman is going to be more encouraging, and hopeful. If I'm going to be working with a person for a month I really want a teammate. I might find out that like the UW they just don't want to get my hopes up (regarding my growth and expectations), but I WANT them to get my hopes up. Kind of the way a man is supposed to tell you that your jeans don't make you look fat - sometimes you just want to be lied to.
I have confession to make. I completely freaked out two nights ago. I was exhausted and run down (probably from traveling over the pass) and I had a complete meltdown. Poor Danny. By the end of the night, I was so tired that I could hear that Danny was speaking, and I could see that his lips were moving, but I couldn't understand what he was saying and I completely freaked out. It was the scariest moment of recover so far. My brain just completely shut down. I guess I'm still not back to normal. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up one morning and be back to my regular life and personality. It just doesn't happen like that.
After being terrified, thinking I was losing my mind and going backwards in recovery, it was perfect timing that my friend AJ shared a story this morning in an email. I was needing some insight. Here is what AJ wrote...... "So I have a patient who's daughter has had 3 craniotomies (all before she was 25)... and this is her advice for you 'take it slow, real slow, the slower you take it this first year, the more energy and function you'll have all the years after.' " (I have no idea how fix the punctuation - I used to be so good at this stuff. Oh well - you guys get the jest of it). Can you believe this poor girl!?! See - my life isn't bad! Three craniotomies by age 25? I love hearing these stories, especially advice on how to deal with things and how to go from here. I would normally power through things like a work horse but after hearing from people that know more than me I will gladly do what they recommend. I want to be better. I'm just grateful that people will share their knowledge and their stories. So, I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try to relax and calm down. That's what I'm going to focus on today, going slow.
I'm interested to see the second therapist and see what she thinks about my baseline, and what I need to work on. I really hope that this woman is going to be more encouraging, and hopeful. If I'm going to be working with a person for a month I really want a teammate. I might find out that like the UW they just don't want to get my hopes up (regarding my growth and expectations), but I WANT them to get my hopes up. Kind of the way a man is supposed to tell you that your jeans don't make you look fat - sometimes you just want to be lied to.
I have confession to make. I completely freaked out two nights ago. I was exhausted and run down (probably from traveling over the pass) and I had a complete meltdown. Poor Danny. By the end of the night, I was so tired that I could hear that Danny was speaking, and I could see that his lips were moving, but I couldn't understand what he was saying and I completely freaked out. It was the scariest moment of recover so far. My brain just completely shut down. I guess I'm still not back to normal. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up one morning and be back to my regular life and personality. It just doesn't happen like that.
After being terrified, thinking I was losing my mind and going backwards in recovery, it was perfect timing that my friend AJ shared a story this morning in an email. I was needing some insight. Here is what AJ wrote...... "So I have a patient who's daughter has had 3 craniotomies (all before she was 25)... and this is her advice for you 'take it slow, real slow, the slower you take it this first year, the more energy and function you'll have all the years after.' " (I have no idea how fix the punctuation - I used to be so good at this stuff. Oh well - you guys get the jest of it). Can you believe this poor girl!?! See - my life isn't bad! Three craniotomies by age 25? I love hearing these stories, especially advice on how to deal with things and how to go from here. I would normally power through things like a work horse but after hearing from people that know more than me I will gladly do what they recommend. I want to be better. I'm just grateful that people will share their knowledge and their stories. So, I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try to relax and calm down. That's what I'm going to focus on today, going slow.
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