I've been thinking a lot lately about this brain tumor journey that I've been on. It's crazy. What a huge diagnosis. It has completely evolved who I am.
For the longest time I've looked at this brain tumor/cancer as a fight, that I'm at war with this little growing nugget in my brain. But the truth is that Herman (my tumor) has taught me invaluable lessons. I've learned more about kindness, about love, generosity, grace, perseverance, tenacity, curiosity, patience, true happiness, and so much more. Instead of fighting Herman, I'm confused because I'm so grateful. It's such a dichotomy. I have so much love in my heart that I've been able to go through this and learn so much, and at the same time I'm at odds with the fact that the same thing that I appreciate so much is supposed to be my demise. It's confusing.
I was okay, as a person, before the brain tumor, but now I can say that I'm truly proud of who I am. I hope it's okay to say that I'm proud of myself - that it's not cocky or weird. It's just that sometimes, in my past, I haven't always been the nicest person, or the most kind, generous, or patient. I'm embarrassed to say that I went through a decent phase of superficiality while I was in college.
Anyway, I'm curious. I'm curious about how this is all going to play out. I feel more at ease with this cancer than I have ever been. But, I wonder, if I am okay with this brain cancer, is that giving up? I don't feel like I'm giving up. I'm still exercising, focusing on my strict diet, laughing, and living my life, but at the same time, if I'm not "fighting", am I accepting? And, is accepting bad?
I can't quite put my finger on this one. Is this healthy or do I have Stockholm Syndrome? I don't even know how to answer this question.
