Sorry, I've been off my computer for a few days. My mind is mud. I can't think. I have had nothing to write because my brain is a slug. I have feelings and thoughts, somewhere in my gray hazy matter, but I can't connect to them. I can't even do more than basic sentences without needing a break.
Doctors don't even know what exactly causes seizures. They think it's an
overactive brain (I'm simplifying here), therefore they prescribed me a
drug that blocks or slows specific neurotransmitters. Now, I'm running on a portion of the firing that I usually
have. My brain is half asleep. Think lobotomy.
Yesterday, it got so bad that I emailed my nurse and told her I want off the Dekopate. I asked for a schedule to decrease the medicine. It's too much. Also, over the weekend, I noticed a small rash on my right shoulder. In
the Patient Advisory Leaflet (pharmacy info) under the Side Effects
portion, it says, "Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction include:
rash..." It continues to mention that the rash is a sign of severe liver problems. That sounds fun. All in all, I'm exhausted, mentally slow, my vision is blurry, my moods are horrible, my heart palpitates and I'm just a fraction of myself. I can't even write. I can't think.
So, today I did not take my morning anti-seizure pill. I emailed my nurse and reminded her that I want a schedule to decrease the dosage, and I mentioned the rash.
I refuse to live like this. I might not be able to control some of the biggest things in my life; I can't drive to get to the grocery store or even a doctor's appointment. I also can't change the fact that I have the tumor nugget growing in my brain. But I can limit the bad drugs that ruin the quality of my life. It's one small step that can help me be happier.
On this pill I feel like I'm slipping away. I just want to get back to being me, even if that means a seizure here or there.
