Friends keep teasing me, You know you don't have to get perfect grades, right? And conceptually, I know they're right, but I have wanted to go back to school from before my diagnosis. Just before we found this BABT (big ass brain tumor), I was oscillating between combined master/PhD programs, regular masters programs, or law school. I wasn't sure, but I knew I wanted to continue my education.
I've waited so long for this.
As I spend days, nights, and weekends, headaches, tears (both happy and sad), filled with delirious laughter, awe, and gratitude, I sink further into the gift of curiosity, of expectations, timelines, and responsibilities. I cut my teeth into new sounds, words I had forgotten. My brain feels like it's both thawing, and growing at the same time.
A few days after this round of classes ended, I was finally able to digest the gravity of what I'm accomplishing. Well, that's not entirely true, I think it's impossible for my mind to catch the weight of this, but it feels fucking significant. I remember being in the hospital, the speech therapist at my side. She's showing me a list of words and she asks me to read the first one aloud. I stare at the page, my face flushes hot, my eyes filling with tears. I know I failing, but I don't know why. She's sad, and I don't know why. I want to make her proud of me, to make sense of these things she's pointing at. But I can't. So I cry.
Doctors at University of Washington answered my mom's question one day, while I sat quietly, Will she be able to go back to school? And the PhD said, No. She will not have the capacity. And since that day, even as I have improved, and improved, surgery after surgery, much surpassing their expectations, of both cognition and lifespan, I believed them. That's the elusiveness of accuracy that our brains manipulate, especially when there's damage involved.
I'm not a reliable narrator, and I can see that now. I am not stupid. I'm not slow. I'm not other. I'm capable of learning. I'm capable of hard work. I have as much drive and desire as everyone else.
I am here. I'm alive. And I'm doing it all while living with brain cancer.
I start my first practicum this week, and my next MRI will be at the end of June. Life is full, and chaotic, exciting, exhausting, and it's mine.
You are an amazing woman and I loved watching your video. I heard a lot about you from your mother who I met in Yuma. She is also a very special lady. I pray that God will give you a long and happy life. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteRhoda Groover