Monday, February 27, 2017

Even if Just for Today, We Persevered

Each moment bleeds into the next, with so many responsibilities, so many tasks to complete. It's exhausting. But, today, we did it! This morning, it took walking around the UCLA campus to different departments, a lot of explaining, and some phone calls, but we completed our mission. Thank you to everyone who offered their assistance, and appointments, I didn't see all those until later, but it ended up working out! You guys are AWESOME.

Sometimes in life, no matter how creative, and persistent, you get, you run out of time and options, and I'm just thrilled that we were able to fulfill this need, this desire. 

I completed the pre-op MRI this evening at a UCLA alternative location (Santa Monica). Same style, 3 tesla machine, which was important to me, because I want my radiology reports to match. MRI machines can have different strengths (ex: 3 tesla vs 1.5 tesla), also they can have different amounts of slices (ex: 1mm, 2mm, 3mm vs 4mm). My goal is to keep everything as standard as possible between scans so that they're easier to compare. Anyway, they were able to facilitate the same pre-op scan that was scheduled for Thursday. The functional MRI is still slated for Thursday afternoon, which will determine if I'll need to do an awake craniotomy or if I just get to take a sexy little horror movie nap.

My relief is palpable, if not temporary, for the stress of tomorrow's cognitive and competency testing which will be several hours of mental acrobatics and interviewing. These test are a baseline for when I get out of surgery, to compare any possible deficits. That way they'll know what kind of assistance I may need (physical, language, and/or occupational therapy). 

Wearing Resilience socks, thinking about all the other patients out there in my same

I'm bone tired, but elated that I was able to follow my intuition, and find some answers in all of this madness. I'm not expecting a miracle of healing (although I never rule anything out), but I am a tangible person who needs explanations and information to feel comfortable about big decisions. 

I understand that I am living with brain tumors up in this noggin'. I'm not pretending anything otherwise, but I feel incredibly capable, and healthy, and before I can comfortably sacrifice my body to the table, I have to feel assured. Even though this is my fourth brain surgery, it has not gotten any easier. In fact, I'm noticing that everything is becoming more difficult. I'm losing my pain threshold, I can sense my body, my spirit, remembering the trauma of all these surgeries, especially the one where I almost died. That pain, that subconscious awareness surged through me today as they inched the MRI needle closer to my vein. It was in the powerful magnet of the MRI that forced every cell in my brain to shift in different degrees, to manipulate my fat cells, and water cells, the tissue forming into just the right image to see what is going on in my head. It took everything in my being to hold back a seizure. To hold back tears of how brutal my body has been and continues to be treated. 

If she [my body] was a person on her own, my poor little Body, I would want to take her by the hand, and pull her close. I would rock her, in empathy, and hum her a beautiful melody. It wouldn't change the damage, but I would do everything in my power to console her. 

She's done so much for me, and I keep abusing her. 

It's not what I want, but my choices are limited.


  1. You are not abusing your body. You are fighting for HER!! I Believe in you

  2. Big hug sent via telepathic wire. Congratulations on your success today ��

  3. I agree with Deborah78. You are fighting for her and she loves you. We love you. We love her. We are fighting for both of you through thoughts and prayer. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸΌπŸ˜˜

  4. If ever there was someone that persevered, it is you. You, my love, my friend, are the true embodiment of perseverance. You have always trusted your gut and intuition and we are thrilled you completed this much necessary task. Be as kind to yourself as you can, Jess. She (your amazing lovely body) is strong. We love you madly. Thinking of you every minute, always, but especially this week. Love. Strength. Hugs. xo

  5. I love you so much girl. You are such a warrior and your body has been amazing to you and you to her. Sometimes, when we rock out babies its to comfort them DURING the pain, which is exactly what you are doing. In just a few hours, Dan will be there to hold you and that will make everything better.

  6. So good to hear someone listened to your need and you were able to get your MRI. You are a fighter for your little body !!!! Love and prayers !!

  7. give your precious little body a big sloppy kiss for me....

  8. Dear Jessica - First off I want to tell you what an incredibly inspirational, powerful and lovely woman you are! Thank you so much for touching us with your reality so that we may look at ours with new eyes. A healthy vehicle to walk around this world in is the richest one can be - everything else is minutia! I have a book that I go to for inspiration - beautiful prayers by Marianne Williamson - I want to share one with you for your journey! I am changing it a bit to fit my spiritual path, and you may change it to fit yours - Much love & Light to you - Cynthia Burke (and I am sure Claire would send her love as well)
    Dear Higher Self -
    My body is broken, I need Your help. Please, send angels to deliver me from my pain and sickness and fear, Now! Please bless my medicine and guide my healers. Thank You - Amen

  9. there's no way i'd be able to put in words how much admiration i have for you. your love for yourself and the people around you is inspiring. <3

  10. Jess - You have been so grounded and so thorough, covering all the bases in your research and preparation. As always, I admire your grit and grace.
    I too, loved the books by Dr. Masaru Emoto, validating that we can project thoughts and emotions, that intentions do have an energetic manifestation.
    I believe your surgeons will do absolutely brilliant work, the angels will contribute their celestial talents, Divine light surrounds your surgery and fills all the cells of your body and brain. I will be whispering prayers from the heart, throughout the day on Friday, for the surgery to go perfectly, for your comfort and confidence, strength and healing, and for the best possible outcome for you. I am seeing a miracle with YOUR name on it! Much love, C.


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