Friday, November 20, 2015

It's Okay To Be Weak

Well friends, we have yet to hear back about the third party results, which is just fine with me. For the first time in a long time I'm not anxious to hear the outcome. I just want to relax and not worry, and breathe, and live. I don't have the discipline that I used to. I am unable to restrict my diet, and am unable to rigorously exercise. I do not have the drive that I once had, which was born out of fear. The unfortunate thing is that fear was a bear, chasing me through the forrest, and without that same neurotic stress, I am unable to rise to the challenge of forgoing food, or drink, of pushing my body to extreme lengths for cardio or weights. I walk often and try to jog every once in awhile. I hit the sauna here and there, but I am in a state of relaxation, both mentally and physically. I am literally enjoying every moment. I spent years, several years, after diagnosis, trying wild extreme diets, taking hundreds of pills a day, trying random and scientific based treatments, and I'm tired. I don't have it in me anymore.

I honestly don't know how I ever restricted myself so diligently, so harshly. I'm just bone tired. But I'm happy. I'm thicker, and I don't love that, but I don't have the heart to discipline.

It's embarrassing that I can't practice what I preach, but it's the truth. It has been over 68 months since I was diagnosed, and 65 of those I was on crazy cancer diets. At times it has been a complete obsession. And when it wasn't an obsession it was the root of shame due to moments of failure, or stress from expectation. Living with cancer is living in a vortex. You're here but you're not. You're alive but every decision could lead to your death. Your stakes are impossibly higher than everyone else. I sometimes hear people say things like, "We're all dying." And I think, "What an asshole. Just shut up" The only people who say that are people who aren't in the vice of death's grip, or they're already diagnosed but trying to make other people feel better. There is nothing like living with cancer. You're supposed to just be happy to be alive, yet you're living in a slaughterhouse hearing the screams of your cancer family as they make it to the kill floor. You're being shuffled closer sometimes, and at other times you get shoved out of the way only to lose the friend next to you. It is a terrible emotional state that completely effs your brain. After years of this madness, it has taken such a toll on me that I can't bring myself to live in a state of constant battle. It's just too much. My stomach is so weak now from the years of drugs and supplements that I regularly vomit from queasiness. Last night my head may as well have been spinning, possessed, with horizontal projections - all from an off-label that I have been taking for almost a year. Dan was so terrified that he almost stayed home from work today to make sure I was okay. At a certain point you have to stop. Or at minimum take a break. My body can not take what it once did. Unfortunately, she never ceases to let me know.

I still eat quite healthy, sometimes less healthy (or worse yet much much less healthy) than at other times in my cancer journey, but as I have evolved I've realized that not only has my brain changed, and views changed, my physiology has changed, and my attitude has changed. Every single person in life has their journey. I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of my life is, other than to share my story, and let people know that we are inherently strong, but we should know that sometimes it's okay to be weak too.

Sometimes we ride, and sometimes we carry.

6 comments:

  1. What you write is raw and beautiful. I found your blog a roundabout way quite a while ago. There is so much truth in your writing. That is the hard thing to get at and the real gem at the heart of a person's story. I don't know how much I really understand but I try to learn from what you share here. Thank you.
    K.D.

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    1. Thank you KD, I really appreciate your comment. It is really a special thing that you choose to follow my story and learn from it. That's a very humble honor for me, Thank you!

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  2. Dear Jessica being human dear girl is not weak. There are no words to express what an incredible woman you are. You are loved & prayed for as well as your sweet Dan & all your family. We care !!!!

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    1. Thank you!! And thank you for the prayers, and the love. This has become such a special family for me. Thank you for choosing to be a part of it. If all you guys didn't support me so much my life would be pretty lonely. I am a blessed woman!

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  3. Jess - You are human and like all humans you deserve and need some respite and peace. That's healthy. The tight fist of self discipline and self control has to be relaxed once in a while. We can't be on hyper alert and overdrive all of the time. Curl up with your cat and be gentle with yourself, it's ok. You are one of the deepest, most authentic and truthful people I've ever known. As you share with us how you've changed, evolved and grown along your journey, you have inspired many others to keep changing, releasing things,changing perspectives, progressing and updating ourselves. We are all stumbling along our own journeys, weary at times, but grateful for the breakthroughs and revelations, the kinships and kindness, the learning and the loving, the beauty in little things. I am sorry for the tough hand you've been dealt.You are so admired, appreciated, amazing. Take care and get some rest, C.

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    1. C, Thank you. I wish I could post a picture right now because I'm curled up with said cat with a fire blazing. It does feel good to just calm down. You just gave me such a wonderful reminder that yes, we really are stumbling along our own journeys, with breakthroughs and revelations. We're all just doing our best, trying to evolve and learn from our mistakes and triumphs. It's a good thing for me to remember that none of us are perfect, and probably the people that seem perfect don't feel perfect. Good for us to cut all of ourselves a break. Thank you C. Sending you love.

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